We… Q&A community discussion, but not the type of Q&A community discussion we normally have where you’re going to send your questions. What I’m gonna do tonight… Hello to Poppy and Geoffrey, Sherman and John Harvey. So what I’m gonna… Hi Hunter, so what I’m gonna do tonight… Hello, Shannon. I’m gonna answer some questions tonight that I think will be helpful. This was brought to my attention by one of our community members and I forgot to ask his permission to use his name. So I’m just gonna go ahead and I wanted wondering, like can you guys hear me? Hello Malta. Hello Debra. Hello Sue. Can you guys hear me okay?. Hi James, great to see you again. Welcome back. Hi Matt, so happy to see you. So happy to see everybody. Oh, good. I’m so glad you guys can hear me. Okay, so I didn’t get this person’s permission to use their name… Hi Ashton. …So, but this was brought to my attention. Okay, so we’re not doing Q&A the way we normally do Q&A. The way we would typically do Q&A on this channel is that we would… You would tag Poppy or Shannon or Matt or in a pinch you would tag a moderator like Hunter, John Harvey, or… We have lots of different… The Mod Squad is like they’re my superheroes, right? It’s been brought to my attention that sometimes we can show up here on this channel and we can feel very unheard or invisible and the reason why I’m mentioning this, is because I felt invisible before, I’ve felt like perhaps like gosh is… is it something I said or you know, like it’s almost like walking into a room and then you say hi to everybody and we picture these YouTube lives to be like you walk into a room and you see everybody and you say hi and then certain people ignore you and don’t talk back to you and then that’s how it feels. We can feel other than. We can feel excluded and let me just tell you very transparently and vulnerably that I spent the majority of my trauma therapy appointment last week ugly crying with snot rolling down my face, super awesome beautiful visual. Can you tell?. Ugly crying with snot rolling down my face about how painful it’s been my entire life to feel other than and that feeling other than is probably more traumatizing than all of the stuff I’ve been through, because I was convinced… I was never convinced that the reason I felt other than was because I had been through trauma. I was convinced that the reason I felt other than or invisible or ignored or just different or ugly or gross or clumsy or dumb or stupid or all the names that my family members called me, I felt other than because I never quite fit in, because I was socially inept until I was well into my 20s, but I never knew it was because I had lived through abuse. I always thought that it was just because I was born wrong, something was wrong with me and then to add insult to injury, I had friends who were special needs with autism and down syndrome and you know they were you know, double amputees, quadric… you know quadriplegics, right?. Paraplegics, my bad. Not quadriplegics, paraplegics and yet they were never treated other than, right?. They were treated with love and with… they were welcomed and they were treated well and so here I spent the majority of my you know, my appointment this past week just bawling my face off basically, like not able to understand what’s wrong with me?, why was I born wrong?. And so it’s been brought to my attention that you know sometimes it can feel like we show up at these YouTube lives and when we’re not really talked to or acknowledged by others, it can feel very similar to being treated other than or ignored, but I want to dispel that and I want to talk about the reality of YouTube lives as it was described to me by one of our members here, okay?. Anyone can come along here they can log on and they can say hello to people and they can go and they can see all the other conversations going on and still they go, oh, wow. It says here that there are you know 50 people. There’s 50 people here live right now and I see everyone talking back and forth to one another, so I want to say hi to everybody. First of all, it takes a lot of courage to say hi to everybody, takes a lot of courage. Second of all, once we get up the courage to say hi to everybody, if we’re not met with a friendly response, we can begin to not only feel other than and rejected and invisible and ignored, but we can feel like something’s wrong with us, like we were born wrong and if you reverse engineer the hole I was born wrong thing, the only way that you’re ever going to feel better is if you die and then you somehow believe in reincarnation and you’re born again and you come back a different person. So there’s no solution to “I was born wrong”. “I will never feel better because I was born wrong, so therefore, I want to die.” So it can really bring on suicidal ideation,which by the way Poppy has some really amazing crisis resource numbers that she is sharing with you in the chat box. YouTube is never a place for crisis care. This is not a place to receive trauma therapy or counseling or support of any kind. This is just an informational, friendly discussion among peers and while I do share from a lived experience perspective and while I am trauma-informed, that’s not what I’m doing here on these videos. I’m simply having conversations on these videos, important conversations. So what I want to really get to here, the the crux of the conversation I want to have is, what we don’t realize when we show up here is that, as it was mentioned to me earlier in a message, people can walk away from their keyboard. They can get up and go to the bathroom. Someone could get up and make dinner. Someone’s child might have fallen down and skinned their knee and they could be handling that. Someone else might be multitasking, they might have… they might open up the window… consider this if you will. How many times have you opened up a window to a YouTube video and you just wanted to hear the person’s voice and you clicked over to another window and you checked your Facebook or you E-mailed someone or your mom messaged you or your best friend from college decided to reach out and just connect with you and you hadn’t heard from them in a really long time and you know, the reality is when you show up here and you don’t get someone that says hello to you, it’s not because we’re not saying hello to you. There are about a hundred different scenarios and if you really want me to get all mathematical on you, there are countless infinity scenarios that could be going on because of the number of people that are in our community. Yes, there may only be 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 of you here at a time live. Sometimes the feed skips, sometimes you get up to make dinner, some timessomeone has to go to the bathroom, sometimes someone’s multitasking, sometimes someone logs in says hello, has conversations with everyone and then puts their phone down and they don’t get back to it, over in the chat box, they’re just there to listen,they just want to hear. Maybe they wanted to listen to the waves like last week and they didn’t want to have a discussion. Maybe they just want to hear about the discussion I’m gonna have with people and they don’t want to have a conversation in the chat box. The likelihood that anyone is purposely ignoring you or treating you poorly is less than if something else was going on. So I would ask everyone that would come here to hang out with us, to have an extra measure of grace and patience and kindness and understanding when you show up. When we show up needing to be filled up by others, then you know, we run the risk of walking away feeling very wounded and other than. I’m not saying you got to show up to these live streams full and filled up, ready to pour out and give to others and support others, that’s not what I’m saying, but I am saying that it’s important when you do show up here to know that if you’re ever not responded to or welcomed with open arms, it is truly only because I have not seen you, had the ability to acknowledge you or someone is stepped away, the screen has frozen, the feed is delayed, someone needs to get a glass of water, someone needs to make some dinner, someone’s child fell down and has a boo-boo or something else is going on. I can guarantee you with great confidence right now, that if you show up here for a live Q&A or a discussion like this and we don’t respond to you personally, that’s myself and like 15 other people that are here just every single week showing up just beacause they want to be able to welcome you, I can guarantee you with great confidence that it is an oversight and it is nothing to do with you and it’s everything to do with us. Everything to do with us and I won’t even say us, I’ll just say me, because I’m the one not paying attention, okay? but I have rules in place and I have guidelines in place and I have measures that I’ve put in place that protect everyone that shows up here and that they must be treated with kindness and mutual respect, otherwise they get put in timeout. They get deleted. They get blocked and they’re not welcome back. So if that is you and you’re ever feeling like we are not paying attention to you or we don’t see you or we don’t hear you, as it was brought to my attention today, it is rather important that we take into consideration that it has everything to do with me and the abundance of people that show up, the broken souls that show up here and need support, the people that show up here looking for answers and love and acceptance, has everything to do with me not being able to handle the growth and not paying close enough attention. It has nothing to do with you. You were born perfect. You were born flawless. If you weren’t treated as though you were born perfect and flawless, then that is the fault of your caregivers. You were born into a world that is flawed with flawed people, but you have arrived here in a community of others that want to welcome you and want to say hello to you and want you to feel loved and cared for and welcomed and cherished and beautiful and appreciated and valued. So, please just know that I lead discussions like this seven days a week. We have an entire system in place for complex trauma survivors to take part in group discussions, not one-on-one, group discussions on a private server, away from Facebook, away from social media. If you’re interested in that go over to CPTSDfoundation.org, look for something that says daily calls or something, I think it says daily calls or daily support or something and just know that if you’re not feeling welcome here, it’s not anything to do with you and it’s everything to do with me needing more people and I’m just in a state of flux. I’m in a constant transition. I’m so grateful that you guys choose to show up here. I’m so grateful that you choose to reach out and connect with others and welcome others and say hi, whether it’s through words or emojis or whatever it is that you do, by hanging out here with us and responding to people’s comments or welcoming people that show up for the very first time, whatever it is that you choose to do. I’m so grateful for you. I want you to know that. I’m standing next to someone’s apartment. I think… …Because it was shady here and it was like really sunny. Let’s go for a walk. Go over here, hopefully I can find some shade. I just don’t want someone to come out and be like, can you please you know be quiet. You’re talking too loud. Who are you talking to? Are you on the internet? Are you on the world wide web? What are you doing with your phone? You know, that’s what people are thinking. There’s my neighbor’s patio. These are my flowers. Do you like?. This is my messy patio, don’t judge me. It was not shady here though, so we will walk inside. That way it’s nice and and… then I can… … Let me make sure that I’m on Wi-Fi. Hold on one second. Sure. …sorry about that. Yeah, it’s like to … I’m gonna get sunburned and so we’re just gonna sit here, how’s that?, we’re just gonna sit here, like this, but I just wanted to say all that you guys you know, like we need to know that we belong. Everyone needs to know that we belong, everyone needs to know that they belong rather, you know, and it’s hard if we don’t feel like we belong, it can be a really unsettling, sad, painful, traumatizing, retraumatizing thing. So if you’re here for the very first time, I don’t always do the videos like this. I’ll usually just be like sitting at my… I’m gonna sit on my couch because I just cannot like stand here the whole time. I’m not feeling 100%, so I’m doing self-care videos, that’s what’s really going on. If we’re being real. How’s that? How’s that? Let’s see if we can zoom and make it look nice. Now all you see is my screen, that’s probably not good. I guess we’ll just keep it like that and you can just look at my patio furniture. How’s that? …But you know, I think it’s important that we just acknowledge that what we have going on here, with you know, showing up for a live stream and you know we’re committed, right? like I’ve been showing up here every week with you guys for 5 years and I’m committed, I love it. It’s like there’s no place I would rather be than here, with our community because you know, I think that peer support, particularly trauma-informed peer support, it’s probably one of them… one of the things that truly saved my life, right?, and I don’t ever want anyone to show up here and not feel seen and not feel heard and not feel validated and not feel welcomed. So I think my major message here today is just that we need to take into consideration that people could be multitasking, they could have stepped away to go to the restroom, they could have… they could be making dinner, they could be just showing up to listen after they, you know says he… say hello or you know, there can be a whole lot of different circumstances, but I just want you to know that it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, nothing. I wish someone would have told me that there was nothing wrong with me when I was younger, you know, I wish someone would have told that told that to me. Wish someone would have thought that maybe hearing that would have been important for me, you know, but sadly that was not the case and I’m here as you know, as a volunteer who loves to be here with all of my heart. I show up here as often as I can just and when I do show up, it’s because I’m all-in, right? I have an internal yes matched with my external yes and I’m so excited to be here. So… See we have someone here who’s multitasking making pudding, 8 boxes of pudding. Yeah, and there are others that you know… gosh, I could tell you so many stories you guys, I have clients and colleagues and their most practical means of self-care is to arrive home after a day in a workplace where they feel ridiculed and persecuted and unappreciated and they just can’t wait to be here. This is the only place they want to be, they think about being here with us, every Monday, it’s on their calendar. They rush home and get off work at a certain time just so they can be here with all of us not so, you know they can like, you know talk to everybody, but just because this is something that they just… they want to do for themselves, you know and I could tell you so many stories just about the practical means of self-care that is just sitting back and being able to watch YouTube videos or listen to you know… listen to someone’s voice or just to type in the words hello. Just… and it’s not even that they want someone to respond back to them, they just want everyone here to know that they’re here, that they want to just say hi, you know. I think it’s so important that we take care of ourselves and that we have conversations that nourish our soul. The conversations we have here, in this community, our soul nourishing conversations. This thing just popped up, I have to tell you guys this, you won’t think I’m crazy, because you all know me. Well, we’re all a little crazy, but you know what I mean. Like it tells me… it pops up and tells me if somebody like gives our video a thumbs up and like and then it will tell me, like it will update it as it goes on and like as I walked from outside in the shade and it was getting too sunny and so I needed to walk inside, the thumbs up count went down. I’m assuming it’s because they just wanted me to stay outside, but I can’t because I’ll get sunburned. So I’m just gonna come over here and just hang out with you guys and ask and just see how you’re doing. Deb… Debra says and Austin, unfortunately right now I can’t really help others in their trauma yet. I have a few people to check in on me. Oh, I love that though. I mean the tact that you’re even here with us Debra, is so beautiful, I mean you’re in the middle of so much going on and here you are, you know you’re here with us, you don’t have to help other people. I’m not having these conversations like we’re having right now guys because I want you to show up wanting to help people, like I’m just so grateful that you choose to show up for yourself, you know what I mean?. Aurora Aquarius says, I’m on week two of my peer support specialist training and 4 days away from certification. That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you, my gosh, that’s so awesome. And oh, I owe you an E-mail actually. Gosh, I have like, just so you know I have like a hundred and fifty E-mails that I haven’t like… they’re just like sitting there unread and I just… I’m like, I’ve been like under the weather almost for 2 weeks now and just sort of trying to figure it all out, you know. Hi Declan. Declan says Debra, you can try writing 3 lists of stream-of-consciousness words, namely, the black list, the white list, the center lists. Kira. Hi Kira. Kira says Malta, That would make me very anxious also. Oh, I missed what Malta said. I’m sorry if you’re anxious Malta. Oh, thank You Malta, thank you so much. We’re renting an apartment right now and this was our friend’s apartment and then they moved out like right around the time that we needed an apartment and so we snagged it before somebody else could snag it, like we just… we… it was just a huge blessing, we prayed and prayed and prayed and we’re just like, oh my gosh, like… I think we’re… um, we weren’t sure what we were gonna do, you know and then our friends were like, well we’re moving, we built a house in Oregon and we’re gonna go live in Oregon now and we’re like what?, how can we rent your apartment?. They’re like well, you don’t want our apartment, it’s old and it has gross carpet and the carpet has like, like old oadding and like it hasn’t been remodeled since the 70s and it’s like one bedroom. Why would you want a one bedroom, like you know. Hello, you have an office in your house where you… but we like… we sold our house, like long story short, like because you know, I just want to continue to work I’m doing an it’s gonna be a thing you know, like we’re really… we just… this is what we want to do. We want to pour everything we have into serving this community and that’s what we’re doing. So anyhow, long story short, we got to move in right after they moved out like, like literally the cleaners came, the cleaners left and then they did the walkthrough and then we did our walkthrough and we moved in. Somewhere on one of my old phones, I have pictures of what this place looked like completely empty and we sold everything and donated all of our stuff. We started over from scratch and I bought couches on Costco.com and I bought my dining-room table at Target and I bought these little pillow covers at… on Amazon and I got my little wreath in my kitchen, like there’s my beautiful yellow kitchen wreaths. I got that at Pier one and this old microwave was like our friend’s microwave and they gave it to us and yeah, so, but we just… it was just amazing and we didn’t think we were going to be able to get it, we thought that he was going to say no, because the owner is like… we are… We’re putting your unit and we’re going to put the unit that you want to rent into a vacation program and so it would be like you know, they would get like $1,000 a week or some crazy, ridiculous number to rent it out in a vacation program, but in order to do that, they have to remodel it and like rip out the floors and put in like new things, new tubs, new showers, new plumbing, new… like new everything, right? and new fixtures and I mean it’s like so 70s, like it’s got like, like that’s a mirror, like that’s a floor-to-ceiling mirror. The kitchen is remodeled, but everything else is not, like everything else is like, oh I put that together. This is from Target as well and…. and there’s my room, where, you guys, where I normally… It’s so messy, like you can’t even see my little twinkly lights, can you see my twinkly… You can’t see my twinkly lights. Anyway, that’s my little office chair with my little pink blanket on it. Whoops, I think I almost like stopped the recording on accident. So anyway, anyway… So… So, thank you. I’m just… I’m grateful that we got a chance to move in and that he decided not to put it into a rental ownership program and I’m gonna stay here as long as I can until we can afford to buy a house again and I also, like don’t really want to buy a house right away either, you guys, because my husband’s parents are both very, very, very elderly like in their 90’s and I know that my husband is gonna want to like go be with them, you know, like he’s so close with his family and like I know that that’s something that he’s going to want to do and if we have a mortgage and like it’s just like so… … upkeep on a home and yard work and maintenance and like here we have like people that go around and like they mow the lawn, like they’re the ones that mow the lawn and trim the bushes here, I mean, like we don’t have to do that. So who I missed it Debra. Debra says that she had like good news. Oh, hi Francesca. Oh my gosh, it’s so good to see you. Yeah, I’m doing something different this weekend and last week. I’m doing self-care. So, I opened up the video just like this, basically. Yeah. Oh, Debra says that she has a win. I want to know. Deborah has good news.
If you want to share… Oh, here we go. Debra says a professor at CWU here has asked me to come speak to her class on counseling trauma survivors. Oh my gosh Debra, that’s amazing. Congratulations. That’s incredible. Hi, Angela. Hi Poppy. Hi Declan. Wow, that’s huge, that’s incredible. Hi Ann, I’m so happy to see you. Yeah, congratulations, seriously. Kira says I’m glad you have reached out and asked people to check up on you. Yeah, that’s super important. Malta says, that’s great. Any article ideas for her students to read? How old are her students, Debra? It depends on their age. I guess we would want to make sure that it’s age-appropriate. For sure. You guys it’s gotten Shady so now I don’t have to stay inside. I’m gonna put on my… See like, see how the carpet has like weird, like ripples in it. So that’s why they were saying, you know, oh you won’t be able to rent that out in the rental program, unless you put new carpet in. So it’s shady out, so I’m gonna be able to go outside with you guys again. I’ll just sit here, that way, you don’t to look through the screen. We’ll just sit here together, how’s that?. The other day, I just got to sit here with you guys and like and feed the birds. I was over… it was like one of our groups. Yeah, it took like a lot of energy just to move from the couch to like a chair, that’s when you know something’s really wrong with you. Public speaking is hard. Hi Nora. Angela. Oh, Sharon. Oh, hi Francesca. Oh, my gosh, you’re welcome. It’s just… it’s a little one-bedroom apartment and we sold our home. Whoo, okay, they’re college students. I guess I should have paid attention when she said like, like CWU, right?, like hello. I should have like realized like, hello, it’s college students, it’s adults, right?. Oh, okay, okay. It’s… right now, it’s like 4:00 in the afternoon here, 4 something. Oops… Thank you. So yeah, it’s our apartment Francesca. It’s just a little one-bedroom place and it’s like super dirty right now, otherwise, I would be like, you want to come in my kitchen?, but I can’t right now so and Sharon says she’s going back to school. Oh my gosh, Sharon. Sharon says she’s not sure what she’s gonna study, Architecture maybe.
still need more College. Oh my gosh. I’m cheering you on, that’s amazing. Public speaking is so hard. Poppy says that public speaking is so hard Debra. That’s so true. Oh, can you hear my birds, Hunter?. When they’re here in the morning they’re so loud, it’s crazy. So good to see you Nora. Have you seen the new Mary Poppins, Ashton? Oh my gosh, I went to go see it. I sat in the very front row. Oh, Debra’s already spoken at CWU. Awesome. That’s awesome. Oh my gosh, you’re so welcome Kira. It’s so much easier than me like, being on camera right now, I’m just not feeling it, I’m just like, like just, I’m just exhausted. I think I’m mentally, emotionally, physically exhausted. Hey James. So James is making 8 boxes of pudding for his friend who’s having a baby shower and loves pistachio pudding. Oh my gosh, you’re like the greatest friend, like I don’t have any friends in the whole world other than my girlfriend Kathy, where I could literally roll up at her place, unshowered, without brushing my teeth, in my pajamas and she’d be like, let’s sit on the patio and rock in some rocking chairs until you feel better. Like, she’s like the only friend I know that would make me 8 boxes of pudding. If I said Kathy, I need 8 boxes of pudding. It’s my favorite. Would you please just make this pudding? She would be like I’ll make it from scratch, like she is like the… she’s just amazing. She just cooks and bakes and she’s just like that’s where we go every year for Thanksgiving. She’s like my family. She’s better than my family. She’s my family for sure. Ann says Athena, I love how you decorated. I didn’t really decorate, I guess I did. I built it with… I asked for my anniversary present when we were moving. I asked for a Makita drill, like a hand like one of those fancy like professional drills, like a big power tool and so I got it and then I ordered our furniture online and then it all came in boxes and I spent a week putting all the furniture together myself. So I bought it at Target.com and then you can pick it up or have them deliver it and I’m like, Target’s like an hour each way, plus I have to like load it in my car. Forget that. You can deliver that to my place and so they delivered it all in boxes and then my husband got this machete thing and opened up all the boxes for me and put all the different pieces of furniture in their own little pile with their own directions and then he left for work and then he came home from work and I had like put all the furniture together with a drill and like those, like power screwdrivers and like I had every… it was so awesome. Like I had so much fun doing it. So I didn’t really decorate, I guess. I am… I had… we moved in sight unseen and like I had to buy the furniture sight unseen, so I wasn’t really sure. I came in when our friends were living here and I brought a tape measure with me and I was like all I had, so I was like I hope the couches fit, like because I ordered them online and they delivered them when it was like a monsoon out and they had mud everywhere and they ruined our carpet even more, but like, but anyway, thank you Ann. I just decorated with like cream, like cream vanilla color, like throw pillows and my kitchen, I put bright yellow because I was like, hey, that’s gonna make me happy, you know. Oh, Ann says want to come to Texas and decorate my place?. Yes, oh my gosh, I would decorate anything for free, like if you brought me there like, hello, my airport code is OGG. I would come decorate, like you got to give me what budget you have to work with though, because I do everything budget, I do everything Amazon, Target, Walmart, like no crate and barrel stuff going on here, I live on an island, right?, seriously, but yes, I would come decorate, are you kidding me Ann, that would be amazing. Oh, my gosh, I would love that. I love Mary Poppins. I love Mary Poppins too, I did see the new movie. Poppy you have to see the new one, it’s so awesome. John Harvey says doing theater is a lot easier to do than public speaking with the lights out and not able to see people. Yeah, it does help a lot. I totally agree John Harvey. I remember being like in school and doing that type of stuff and even like in choir, the lights are on us and you can’t see anybody in the audience and so it’s so much easier, cause you’re like, you know, you can’t see anybody,it’s just black, but when you’re public speaking you can see everybody, it’s so hard. I’m glad James the … is here too, like what an awesome friend you are, seriously. There are some of my birdies. I think they hear me talking and they’re like, maybe she’s gonna feed us. Hunter says that he meets with another survivor and a great friend weakly and it helps so much. That is so awesome. Declan you’re such the contrarian. I swear, I love you, that’s so awesome. Declan says public speaking is easy, friendships are hard. You actually have a point there, because the detachment, like if you are able to stay detached and not too emotionally involved, like it does make it easier, but I think public speaking is one of the top fears of everyone in the world for a reason, because everyone’s afraid that they’re gonna be laughed at or ignored, you know, but I see what you’re trying to say there Declan. I totally vibe with you, I get you, I so get you. Sharon says I would make a good counselor, but architecture is engrained in my brain. Oh, Sharon I wish I could just hire you to come design my house, like when I decide to to like build a house someday. Oh, Debra says amen Declan. You know what I know about you Debra. Debra Haran Dean, if you’re still here, I don’t know if you’re still here, I hope you’re here. I hope you can hear me say this. I will… I know something for certain about you,Debra Heron Dean and that is that you are passionate about the work you do and that is guarantee right there, that is guarantee enough that you are going to do excellent. You are going to be so excellent at what you do, whether you’re speaking to that group or you’re helping them one-on-one or listening to them. You’re passionate and you’re compassionate and you care deeply for others and you’re gonna do so well, whether it’s public speaking or whatever it is you’re going to do, you’re going to do really, really well. I just have a gut intuition feeling about that. Oh, Ashton says she has to go, but it she’s wonderfully grateful to be able to be here with all of us tonight. We’re grateful that you were able to be here with us too Ashton. I don’t know what time it is you guys, because I’m just not able to see the clock on my phone, and I don’t want to have to get up again. I’m just… I don’t have… I’m very low-energy. I’m not feeling a hundred percent. Geoffrey Sherman’s laughing at Declan. Yeah, I get you, Declan, I get you. Poppy says they’re looking into going back to school too. Social work is where I am aiming for but we shall see. Poppy, you would be such an incredible social worker. Oh my gosh. Woo, Sharon says pistachio pudding is awesome. Yes, pistachio. Yes, that is when you know you have a real friend for sure. Either they make you 8 boxes of pistachio pudding because it’s your favorite or they let you roll up at their place unshowered, without brushing your teeth and they’re like, can I make you some tea? Let me bake for you. Let me cook for you. Sit on my porch and rock in my rocking chair, as long as you want. I love you. You know. Aurora says public speaking is hard. On friday we shared our personal stories of recovery with the class and it was so hard to talk about my trauma in front of so many people in front of that many people. I did get validation from everyone. Oh, I’m so glad that they validated you Aurora. That is like so scary, you never know what’s really gonna go down, you know what I’m saying? Sharon says Makita is top notch. Heck, yes. I researched that I’m like what is the best drill that I could possibly get, because I needed to like drill holes in these crazy walls and you wanted to know what I needed to get Sharon, you guys will appreciate this if you understand drills. I needed a hammer drill because we have cinderblock walls and I needed to be able to hang a couple of things on walls and you can’t do that without a hammer drill. So I got a hammer drill. Hold on, there’s something in my eye. I can’t see you guys when I’m not touching this screen and so I’m itching my eye and I’m not able to like see you. Oh, maybe I’m allergic to something. I have no idea. Okay, I just had to like itch my eyes, oh my gosh. I’m trying to figure out where I was. Okay, everyone’s saying bye to Ashton. Yes pistachio pudding is awesome, okay. Sharon says public speaking in other cities where you don’t ever have to see them again is key. Yes, I love doing that. I went around and I spoke at all these churches back when I launched my books and I swear it was really awesome. Like I had all these churches in Florida and then these churches in Alabama and then this one Church in Texas and I drove from Florida to Alabama to Texas. I road-tripped it in the middle of a tornado. Why?, because I’m crazy. Someone’s like why would you drive?. I’m like, I’ve never done it before. I’ve never driven this route and they’re like so what?, like that’s what airplanes are for and I’m like, but I’d never driven this route before. I really wanted to like I wanted to experience it. What I was going to say Sharon is that it was really awesome speaking in other cities where I was able to like share and support people and then go home, you know. ‘Cuz then I could regroup and recoup. Angela says I’ve been away recently, going through a lot right now. I feel you Athena, I feel so exhausted on all levels. It’s unlike seriously, so exhausting, like seriously. I’m physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted. Uh-huh-huh. Yeah, you guys can all come here. That would be amazing. Oh Thanks for telling me what time it was. Oh, Joey. Oh my gosh, Joey. I got your voice message and your E-mail today. I swear, I have like a hundred and something. I want to say the close to like 150 E-mails and I’m really sorry that I didn’t respond personally about the loss of your friend. I am so very, very, very sorry for your loss That is so hard Joey, I’m really glad that you’re here with all of us. Hey, James says it must be a survivor thing. I’m thinking about going back to school to be a teacher. That would be so cool James, oh my gosh. Hunter… Hunter says he’s sitting with you Joey. Lots of ‘hi’s and hellos and I’m sorrys and sitting with you and hearts and just lots of love. Lots of love coming your way Joey. Yes, I am in the middle of nowhere Francesca, you’re so sweet. Francesca says Athena. I just checked out the Hawaiian Islands. OMG, you’re in the middle of nowhere. Fun fact Francesca. Francesca, if you’re still here, oh my gosh. So did you know that the Hawaiian island chain is the most remote island chain in the entire world and we are farthest from the… any other landmass, than any other island in the entire world, like seriously, Google that stuff. Like I did not know that when I was moving here, but then again, like, hello, who knows, like we don’t always know these things, but I’m so grateful I’m here. I’m safe, there’s not one person that was involved in any of my exploitation or abuse anywhere, there’s thousands of miles away, literally oceans apart. So, yay me. All the high 5’s all the confetti and all the pistachio pudding. Let’s just say that, all right, like I don’t even know if I’ve ever tasted pistachio pudding, but now I really want to try some. So like, oh, oh there’s these two birds, do you hear that?. There are these two birds that just came and they talk so loud and they talk back and forth to one another, like in each other’s faces, as though they’re like really far away from one another, but they’re super close. It’s just the cutest thing. Poppy says I think there are days I’m allergic to life and people. You’re so funny. Me too, maybe not people, because I love people, like, but I don’t like people all around me, like up in my space, up in my grill, up in my business. I like people where I can support them and be with them and love them and then I have like enough space to go, like regroup and you know sleep and recharge, because hello, hashtag INFJ problems, right?. Oh my husband so sweet, he just texted me. It just came across and like blocked the screen. I was like, oh no, he’s going to interrupt, but you guys can’t see it, only I can.. Aurora says Athena, sorry to hear you’re still not feeling well. It sounds like you have the sniffles. No, I do have the sniffles. You’re right. You’re right, I do still have the sniffles. It’s just like… it’s like such a bummer. I don’t know what my deal is, but whatever, but I love that it’s about ready to rain. Like can we all just like, hello, it’s gonna… you guys are gonna be able to sit here while it starts raining. Thee Sun went away, and now it’s gonna rain and I love the rain. I lost my place. Let me see where I was, my goodness. I was speaking about drills and where to put stuff on my side. Oh, here we go. Kathy O’Brien says that after a few generations, trauma becomes hereditary. Detachment is typical of multi-generational trauma families. Oops. Oh, no, no, no, no. no, no. Oops. High-performing, socially awkward. Ooh, I am high performing and socially awkward. That is me. I wonder if that’s what you mean. That is so me and I do detach. Wow, I know that I have multi-generational trauma. I think I was reading it, was it an article? Someone sent me something by Cathy O’Brien. I should get scheduled for an allergy test Sharon, You’re totally right. So Debra does woodworking and she has a bedroom with a table saw, a router,
a planner and a bunch of tools. Yes, my Makita is my baby, like seriously. I told my husband that my Makita is my boyfriend. I’m like this baby right here, this baby gets all the work around the house done. I’m telling you I can do anything with this thing, like that drill does everything. I built every piece of furniture. I’m talking nightstands, desks, bookcases, coffee table, end tables, dining tables, dining chairs, like you name it, that baby does it. It is amazing and I can… I hung up all the curtain rods, for like, to put an… only reason I need curtain rods is not because we need curtains, but because there’s mirrors everywhere, because it’s from the 1970s, it’s like oh my gosh. Yes, Mary Poppins. Let’s… we need to like maybe we can all go, like gosh, wouldn’t it be cool if we did like a field trip where we all got to sit together. Oh, Joey says thanks everyone for your sympathy. She was only 61 years old. She died at home. She laid there for 2 days before someone found her. I’m so, so, so, so sorry Joey. I’m so sorry. Nora says, I love road trips. I love road trips too. Oh my gosh. It’s like my favorite thing in the world. I love driving. The car is my happy place, seriously. If I have to be home, I prefer to be like working on something or you know building something or like… I love it. Kira says it’s 9:49 p.m. here. I wish it was still afternoon. It still gets dark too early. I know right, it is Like the Sun will set tonight at 6:00 something, but all over the Continental, like 48 contiguous states and then other areas of the world, the Sun sets rather early right now. Ooh, the breeze just kicked up you guys, it got a little bit chilly.
It’s gonna rain, I swear, you guys are going to be able to watch the rain come down with me. Poppy says I get it. I love driving. I feel safe when I’m on the move. Me too. I lost it, where am I?. Wait a second?. Declan says, this is something I’m trying to understand. Mental illness is not genetic, although attempts have been made, but I’m sure there are hereditary consequences of foul play. Oh there have to be for sure, most definitely. Ooh, Sharon you can totally sleep on the beach in the hammock. It’s not my hammock by the way, because that’s not my Beach. That’s like… all this… all the beaches you guys, in the state of Hawaii, all the beaches belong to the state, did you know that? No one gets to say that no one can like be in the beach area. All the beaches are public. So you could totally sleep in that hammock Sharon, seriously. When my husband and I were dating, we would sit at the beach until like we’ve watched the sunset and it would get super dark and we’re like maybe one day when we get married we can come and sleep on the beach, like we were all like play out plotting the future, it was funny. Hmm. Lots of safe hugs and love for you Joey. Jeffrey says in response to your road trip story, as a victim of heinous abuseAthena, where does that strong desire for invention and new experiences come from?. You know what is so funny Jeffrey?, it’s so funny you should even ask that and connect the 2.
I believe it is a direct result of my isolation. I lived such an isolated life Jeffrey. Like I was not allowed to ride the school bus. I was not allowed to leave, beyond like going down the street, across the street or like two or three houses down. I wasn’t allowed to talk to people, unless they were in my family or unless my family knew their family.
In other words, if you’re talking predators speak that means unless my predatory family meets them and agrees that they’re going to be either complicit or they’re also involved in criminal activities and isolation of children and so forth. So I led such an isolated life where I always felt very other than, that when I travel, I feel like I belong, like I don’t know. I just… I feel like I belong, like when I travel. I want the most simple way I can put this, Jeffrey. When I travel, I don’t feel other than. I feel like I’m the same as everybody else and like I’m not this weirdo, freak that’s like fat, ugly, gross, stupid, clumsy, disgusting and all the other names that my family called me. It’s almost like when I travel, like all their lies, I really see them as lies, ‘cuz I’m like, but I’m with everybody else and no one else is treating me that way. Everybody treats me like I belong, like, they’re like… they don’t stare at me and make me feel like I’m weird, you know what I mean?. So anyway, that’s … I don’t need… I think that might be what it is, I think it’s directly related Jeffery. That’s what I think. Oh, thank you so much for the thumbs up Nexus and everybody, you guys are so awesome. Aurora says I wonder if sexual abuse is hereditary, because I have so many abusers in my family. I wonder the same thing. I think that’s more of like a nurture versus nature. That’s what I’m thinking, but I’m with you Aurora, like seriously. Ann says I want a ranch with horses that folks with CPTSD can just come to connect and bond. Oh my gosh, I would come and connect and bond. I would, for sure Declan says I’m sure also that any inherited consequences of intergenerational trauma would be healed out within a few generations, in good conditions. Yeah, like I broke the cycle you guys, like my grandbabies, God willing, my future grandbabies, they will never know the pain and sadness and just the trauma that I’ve known, you know I’m saying?, ever, never, ever, never. Hunter says I developed a love for them playing the Zelda games. That’s so awesome. Oh are you talking about my… the birdies?.
Oh, horses. Horses,Horses. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, the Zelda games. Oh Nexus thank you. I do need some rest, my goodness. Sharon says did you know that Australia is in the total opposite side of the earth from Florida. I didn’t know it was exactly the opposite, but now I know, I learned something new from you all the time Sharon. Yeah, Hunter says sounds like me everyday on the people front.
I think it’s about being allergic to people. Declan says Aurora, sexual abuse is definitely a learned behavior, but we have our genetic strengths and weaknesses that can be taken advantage of. So true. Oh, Joey says I sort of blame myself for not being a good friend, I could have checked on her. I just live across the street. Joey, you could have never known. Her death is not your fault. You could have never, ever, known Joey. You could have never known, it’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself. I do love people, but I get tired to Poppy, when they’re in person, you know what I’m saying?. Kira says and that would be awesome. There are tons of horses that need rescue, we can rescue each other. Yes. Can you imagine all the rescue horses and then we would rescue them and then they would help rescue us. Sharon says I tried to dig to Australia when I was 8. I only got 6ft deep and the hole filled with water. Oh, no. Heyy. James says INFP represent. Oh my gosh, there’s so many NFer’s. There’s so many intuitive feelers in this community. INFJs INFPs in the house. John Harvey says I’m allergic to people and bright colors. Yes, we can run and frolic and dance and play in the rain. You know when I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to like don’t get dirty. Don’t do that. Don’t… you’re gonna ruin your clothes. blah blah blah blah. It’s like, oh my gosh, now, any chance I get when it’s raining out, I will purposely go and I will splash in a puddle as like… it’s just… as much as I possibly can, like I will get dirty and you know what?, you know what I think I’m trying to do?. I think I am… first of all, I’m satisfying my younger inner child that never got that, but I think I’m like somehow trying to prove them wrong. Like no, you see that? do you see that? I bounced in that. I jumped in that puddle and I got totally dirty and guess what?, guess what you a-holes that are crazy, that isolated me and raised me like an animal, my clothes didn’t get ruined, they went into the washing machine. Amazing, right?. My gosh. Guys I want the birdie to come back. My husband just texted again and he says never mind, I changed my mind.
I’m picking up takeout. I didn’t respond because I was here with you guys. He was offering if I wanted him to pick me up anything, ‘cuz he was going to grill barbecue some chicken. I had … A lot of INFJs in the house. Represent. Represent. You guys, seriously there are so many intuitive feelers here. Ooh, I love the smell of the rain also. Ooh Aurora’s the INTJ. So you’re gonna intuitive thinker. That means your analytical, Aurora. Whoo, Kira’s an intuitive feeler also. Ann says I’ve seriously checked out, starting a 501C3 for a ranch with rescued horses, so folks with CPTSD can just log on them and receive tons of love back.
No writing, just all groundwork, so both have a choice and I’m going on record right now, whatever the day is. Is today the 18th? Yes this 18th, 18th of February, 2019 I’m telling you right now Ann, that I will send you all the business you could possibly ever want or need if you decide to start that organization. Do you know that I have thousands of people who have E-mailed me, just reaching out regarding CPTSD stuff and childhood sexual abuse and psychological abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence, all kinds of things, like seriously, seriously, so many people need help and those horses could help them. My girlfriend Julie. Oh my goodness, I’m so tired. My girlfriend Julie Hargis, she has a ranch in Washington and oh, hello little guys, hello. Hi, I don’t have any food. I’m just sitting here. Hello. You’re so brave. Aren’t they the cutest thing you’ve ever seen? Look at them. Yeah, so my girlfriend Julie Hargis, she has a ranch in Washington, where horses and I think she does like, what do you call that?, like equine therapy, equine therapy… look at my little guys, hi. Hunter look at my little birdies. They are so cute Why did you peck at him? Hello, Oh well, short-lived. Those are Java sparrows, by the way. In case you’re wondering what they are. Sharon has a chop saw and a table saw and a wood burner. She’s got all the tools. Oh my gosh. It’s so awesome. Jeffrey’s an INFJ. There’s a lot of us here. lots of INFJs. Yeah self care badasses in the house, hello. Debra needs to go, she needs to do homework. Good night Debra. Thank you so much for being here. Ann is an ISTJ. I don’t know what that one is. Whoo, Angela’s starting a coffee barista course. Oh my gosh. There are only a couple things in the world I love more than coffee. You guys, I think I ran over by like ten minutes tonight. I should probably let you all go, everybody’s gotta go. Nexus says I need to do the personality test again. I forgotten what I came up as. Good luck with your course. I do love watching people and seeing new things and new places too James. Well, my phone just told me it’s gonna die. It’s like, hello. Declan says I am an INFP moving into an ENFP as I heal. That is so interesting, I never knew that we could change. Oh look they’re back. Hi. Hello there. I’ve gone way over tonight you guys. Oh, I think my laugh scared… I guess it’s not gonna rain you guys. Malta says the laundry thing resonates with me greatly. I wasn’t allowed to use the machines because I would either break them or because I wasn’t doing a full load and today, when I get my clothing dirty, it is the flashback that is worse, because I do less than a full load and nothing happens. Totally, seriously you guys. … Ooh, Up Yours Narc. I’m so glad you were here tonight. I didn’t get a chance to say hi to you. Woo, Sharon says Athena you should do a mud run. Whoo, I would love that, we don’t have that here. I can’t figure out where I left off. Oh, there, right there. Oh I missed a whole bunch of your guys’s comments. I’m so sorry. Yeah, we do a book club James, oh my gosh, you gotta join the book club and we’re getting ready to start… James, we’re getting ready to start a meditation and mindfulness Club and then I’m also getting ready to start an art journaling Club. So there’s lots on deck. It’s so incredible and it’s so wonderful and the community is so inclusive and it’s just… it’s just amazing. So I’m really grateful that I got an opportunity to meet you here on a Monday night and I hope I get opportunity to see you in other places, also that would be so awesome and I would like some virtual pistachio pudding whenever whenever you attend, that would be so awesome. Yep, art journaling club, meditation mindfulness club, Book club. We have a daily recovery support calls which are daily peer support for all complex trauma survivors. Hi Rhonda, I’m missed Rhonda. I don’t see Rhonda, but someone says hi Rhonda. I Missed Rhonda. Where’d Rhonda go.
Hi Rhonda. Oh, here we go. Hi, Rhonda. Rhonda says I came in late, but I will watch what I missed on the replay in the morning. Thank you, Athena and everyone. I’m grateful for these videos. I’m so glad Rhonda. I didn’t do much today, other than just talk about like what it’s like when we’re showing up on live streams, like there are lots of like you know, there’s a lot of different circumstances, like people could be multitasking or Art journaling… oh you guys. Oh, I will tell you all about the art journaling ‘cuz I’m gonna be leading it because I just finished a course. Oh my gosh. So it’s kind of like journaling, but what you do is, you take… like let’s say you journaled something or even you’re just thinking of something and then you get to pick, like let’s say I lead a class where you ,I say okay, we’re gonna be doing this particular art journal you know page today or whatever and this is what mine’s… you know this is the one I’m gonna be recreating for you guys, but you guys can pick anything you want to pick, you can pick whatever colors you want, you can pick whatever you… whatever you want to do. There’s no wrong way to do it. I can give you guys some examples next week maybe, on what art journaling is, because eventually on Monday nights, I might even start like an art journaling page… Oh, Vi says I think it’s using art as an expression of feelings.
It is. It is. And… Hi, Connie, so good to see you. So good to see every one of you, but yeah, it’s basically just taking, like for instance, ycan do something that’s like journaling your day, like what your day was like, like what color was your day and like how did you feel about this or you can do like a past, present and future or you could do you know, like any type of, like there would be a topic and then everyone would work on their art journal page. I’m not explaining it well, I’m butchering it, but I’ll put it together and make it make way more sense and when it’s on the website, it will spell it out and make way more sense so that you won’t be like, oh my gosh, what’s art journaling and why is Athena so confusing?, you know what I’m saying?. So, gosh, I’m like, I’m like 17, 18 minutes after you guys. I’m gonna go ahead and go now and the rain never came though, I’m kind of bummed, like see those clouds, like I honestly thought rain was going to come. Like seriously they look like rain clouds to me. Okay, well I look forward to seeing you all next week.
I don’t know if I’m gonna be feeling a hundred percent, but if I’m not, then we are just gonna hang out, like we are right now and we’re just gonna have a community discussion. So if you haven’t given this video a thumbs up yet, I would so, so, so, so appreciate you giving this video a thumbs up if it was helpful for you. Oh, thank you Pixie Painter. I love you too. Good night to you. …But if you… if this video was helpful for you at all, it would mean a lot to me if you gave the video a thumbs up and you subscribe to my channel and you click the little Bell notifications. Thank you so much Malta. Thank you John Harvey. Thank you Poppy and Vi and Declan and Kira and Pixie and Jeffrey and Nexus and Shannon and Connie and Angela and gosh, and James and Sharon and and anyone else that I missed. I hope you all have such a wonderful night. I will see you here 6 p.m. Pacific 9 p.m Eastern, next monday, either with a video like this…