MATT: Hello everyone, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons. TRAVIS: (hollering) We play Dungeons & Dragons! MARISHA: Sometimes. MATT: Sometimes, there, you have it. So hello and welcome! Before we jump into tonight’s session, we have a couple of announcements, beginning with our two fantastic sponsors for the evening. First up, our friends since the beginning of this campaign, D&D Beyond. Sam. ALL: ♪ D&D Beyond ♪ SAM: Brr! TRAVIS: Oh my god. SAM: It’s October 24th, everybody, which means it’s officionally? (laughter) TRAVIS: He’s overheating!
MARISHA: Nailed it. SAM: It’s officially winter in Los Angeles. Today was a chilly 91 outside, and you know who’s already feeling that holiday spirit? D&D Beyond. To warm your spirits, they’ll be at Gamehole Con next month, hosting a series of games during the convention on their own Twitch channel, which is D– nope. twitch.tv/dndbeyond, including one with DM Chris Perkins and another one with DM Mike Mearls! Both streams will raise money for Extra Life, a charity that unites thousands of gamers in support of local children’s hospitals across North America.
TRAVIS: Woo! SAM: Yes, it’s good. Tune in to D&D Beyond’s Twitch channel during Gamehole Con, watch twitch.tv/dndbeyond, and you can always find out more at dndbeyond.link/criticalrole. And just to say thanks, me and Liam stepped out of the studio earlier today, we braved the winter cold of Los Angeles. LIAM: Burbank is fucking cold. SAM: Yeah, and we shot just a quick little fun video to say thanks to D&D Beyond. So let’s roll that clip of LA. TALIESIN: Oh, wow. SMA: Happy winter from D&D Beyond. This is Sam Riegel, I’m joined by Liam O’Brien, and we’re talking about D&D Beyond, a great app where you can manage your characters and stats, and just focus on role playing. Fuck! And focusing on having fun with your friends. D&D Beyond takes all the guesswork out of playing Dungeons & Dragons Fifth Edition with your friends. Check it out right now on dndbeyond.com, and remember… Fuck! (laughter) That’s it, I’m done! No! MARISHA: (laughs) SAM: Happy winter, everybody! Stay warm in there. Love you, D&D Beyond. Over to you, Matt. TRAVIS: Where did you find that much asbestos? LIAM: The 405 is real slippery, careful out there, folks. (laughter) MARISHA: Man.
MATT: That is definitely more my weather. So thank you, D&D Beyond. Also, our second sponsor tonight, our friends at Hit Point Press, actually. For those who aren’t familiar with their current project, you may have seen it go up on Kickstarter last year, but they have an exciting new campaign guide set for Fifth Edition called Humblewood. MARISHA: I want to play it!
MATT: Yep. You get to play as birdfolk and woodland creatures, it’s awesome, it’s thematic, the art is incredible. From Leesha, a friend of the show. I, myself, backed this Kickstarter and I’m super excited checking out the actual physical book. It has character creation, it has world building elements, even has a full adventure for new characters at beginning level to save Humblewood from a great fire, which is very thematic for those of us in California right now. This launches at the end of November, just in time for the holidays, keep that in mind. You can check out the printable PDF available right now at thedeckofmany.com/criticalrole. As a heads up, too, fans of the show and the community get $5 off any order at that website if you enter the promo code criticalrole, one word, at checkout, so go check it out. LIAM: Show me that little owl again.
MATT: It’s pretty badass. There’s the little owl. It’s adorable. LIAM: So cute!
MATT: The art is incredible. I’m going to show a couple little pieces of art here, because they’re amazing. Here’s the strig race, and it’s amazing. It’s stupid adorable– LIAM: Wicker cat!
MATT: — so please, check it out. (laughter) TRAVIS: Wicker cat! MATT: All right, we’ve got a couple other announcements, Marisha, you have a couple updates you want to give, don’t you? MARISHA: UnDeadwood, part two! TRAVIS: ♪ Chicka chicka ♪ MARISHA: Premieres tomorrow, October 25th, 7:00pm, same bat time, same dead channel. (laughter) MATT: Batdead, our next– MARISHA: Yes, Batdead. Batdead Productions. Yes, thank you all to everyone who tuned in and watched the first episode and watched it on YouTube, and–
SAM: It was so good. MARISHA: Everyone likes it, so, yeah. LIAM: It’s legit.
SAM: Who dies in episode two? Does anyone die in episode two?
MARISHA: You’ll have to watch and find out. Don’t–
TRAVIS: What? No? MARISHA: (sighs)
TRAVIS: He’s asking, are we not? Oh. MATT: Because now either you’ve spoiled it, or they think you’re definitely not going to, which means you still don’t know, so there you go. (laughter) MARISHA: We are releasing this as a podcast, so part one will actually be releasing on our podcast network, wherever you can find our podcasts tomorrow. Then also next Wednesday, coming up, Mini Primetime with Will Friedle, finally premiering! On YouTube! Our first episode is Sam Riegel. SAM: Oh really?
MARISHA: Yeah! SAM: Oh, cool! TRAVIS: You’re totally the one to start with. MARISHA: You learned dry brushing technique. SAM: I remember, it was a really fun episode to shoot, and totally normal in every way. (laughter) Totally normal show.
MARISHA: Yeah! MATT: It is a very normal show. The experience is absolutely average and as expected. MARISHA: Yeah, I didn’t really tell these guys much. TRAVIS: Nope, you sure didn’t. MATT: Nope, we just walked in and–
MARISHA: I was just like it’ll be fine, just, you’ll be great. Just go for it, so, yeah, that’s next Wednesday, October 30th. Check it out for a little painting show. LIAM: Mm-hmm.
MATT: Cool. MARISHA: Back to you! (laughter) TRAVIS: What a throw! ♪ Chicka chicka ♪ MATT: (like a news anchor) Thank you, Marisha. Now I’m turning it over to our friend, Laura Bailey, to get into the merch update. Laura? LAURA: Oh hi, guys. Yeah, we have, in case you haven’t checked out our shop today, we have more of our chibi pins! (cheering) Yay! Today we released the Beau and the Caduceus. TALIESIN: Hey. LAURA: Which I think– I don’t know which one’s my favorite, I love them all so much. The backs are even as cool as the pins. I’m just so excited by this whole series. I know! If you look at the chibi Beau, you can see the perforation marks where you can cut them off, because sleeves are bullshit. TRAVIS: Aww. SAM: Oh, really?
LAURA: Yeah! LIAM: Scissors.
TALIESIN: I’ve got a little tea bag. LAURA: It’s so great. Those pins are designed by Jenny Park, and then the backs were designed by Aaron Monroy, and I mean, they’re just so wonderful, and then we also have our sketchbook that is for sale right now, and it’s pretty cool, it’s leather and there may or may not be a Captain Tusktooth charm that I may or may not have had something to do with. Yay, merch. (laughter) SAM: Back to you, Matt. TRAVIS: Where are the double guns, where are the double guns? OFF-SCREEN: (clicking) MATT: There we go, that’s, all right. There– Well-oiled machine. Anyway. Thank you guys very much. I think, that all being said, it’s time to go ahead and jump into tonight’s episode of Critical Role. (cheering) (water bubbling) (thunder rumbling) (explosion) ♪ Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Roll the dice, roll the dice ♪ ♪ The adventure begins ♪ ♪ They were always beside you ♪ ♪ Your nerdy best friends ♪ ♪ And the DM to guide you ♪ ♪ And they rise from the flames for the battles ahead ♪ ♪ Villains beware ’cause you’re ’bout to be dead ♪ ♪ They got magic and flair ♪ ♪ They got falchions and cunning ♪ ♪ They don’t see over there ♪ ♪ There’s a monster incoming ♪ ♪ Inspiration is waiting, rise up, don’t think twice ♪ ♪ Put your fate in your hands, ♪ ♪ take a chance, roll the dice ♪ ♪ Roll the dice ♪ ♪ Roll the dice ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Can you answer the call ♪ ♪ Diggin’ deep in your soul ♪ ♪ As the legend unfolds ♪ ♪ Now it’s your turn ♪ ♪ Your turn, your turn ♪ ♪ To roll ♪ (flames whooshing) And welcome back. (laughter) TALIESIN: We deserved that. MATT: Last we left off, The Mighty Nein, upon finding, looking, I should say, for help in the coming challenges ahead as Obann seems to grow closer and closer to whatever his intended goal may be with the Angel of Irons, you went back to Nicodranas to Tide Peak Tower and found that Yussa, the archmage you had befriended earlier in the campaign, had vanished for now going on three weeks into the Happy Fun Ball, otherwise known as the Folding Halls of Halas, or the Archmage Bane, the Heirloom Sphere. You called in an ally of his to help, which turned out to be Arcanist Allura Vysoren from Tal’Dorei.
LAURA: Yay! MATT: Who has been acting as your point person as you journey into the sphere. You’ve made your way through a number of chambers, using one of the map notes that was left behind by Yussa. You’ve battled through the garden. You were chased by a mage hunter golem across the bent, physics-strange machine tower that encompasses these Folding Halls. You made your way into a golem workshop and assembled your own tiny golem companion, which you named Willi. Which I believe you still have the attributes for. Perfect.
LIAM: I have the sheet for my friend, yeah. MATT: Then you stepped into the Experiment Chamber. Upon entering this room with a dull green light that suffused the vicinity, the somewhat wet floors, about an inch of some sort of chemical liquid that seemed to permeate the entirety of the base floor line of the chamber. Chains hanging from the ceiling, some broken, some bowed, seemingly used to move around about 10 or so of these large glass cases that are now resting in the center of the chamber, a few of them jagged, broken, scattered across the floor. Cracked, and upon inspecting one, you found a very decomposed corpse inside, overtaken by some sort of fungus. As you all were slowing spreading out into that opening area, Fjord went ahead to inspect one of three doors to the chamber, the one closest to you on the left-hand side, upon which you heard a loud splash immediately to your left. You turned to see some terrifying sight. A large, humanoid, hulking beast of rippling muscles and multitudes of various swollen or malformed and elongated humanoid arms. Multiple heads that all seemed to bear the same glowing amber eyes, tattered facial hair, and long black hair of Halas himself, all mashed together into this terrifying beast as it roared into your face. Everyone please roll initiative, we’re going into battle. (cheering) TRAVIS: Let’s go get some! I’m so excited! Come on, it’s ready! SAM: Hey, guys. Get your game ready for Halloween with Dwarven Forge’s classic rosin restock. The sets included are Catacombs, Den of– shut up! Catacombs, Den of Evil, Woodlands, and more. See all the loot available at dwarvenforge.com. Oh my god, Matt! TRAVIS: Holy shit! SAM: Oh my god! TRAVIS: Are you fucking kidding me right now? LAURA: Oh my god.
TALIESIN: Oh boy. MATT: Fjord, we had over on this side. TRAVIS: What?! LAURA: Oh no, no, no. MATT: Whereabouts are you guys on this side of the chamber? LAURA: Oh no.
TRAVIS: Oh my god! LAURA: I think we had just come in, yeah? Oh wait, no, some people had gone to explore, huh? MATT: Nott went off to explore–
SAM: I did, I did. MATT: — this first piece here. MARISHA: I don’t remember either. I feel like I was tracing after Fjord? LAURA: I mean, if Fjord had been in there long enough, I feel like I would’ve moved to about here. MATT: Sure. I’ll say no further than probably this level for the rest of you who’ve been waiting for everyone else to scatter. SAM: Oh my god.
TRAVIS: There’s a table towards them. LIAM: Where’s Willi? Do we have a Willi?
MATT: Oh, you do. TRAVIS: Where’s Willi? MATT: Willi is right there. LAURA: Aww, look that Willi. MATT: And here’s the terrifying creature. (shouting) LAURA: Oh god! TRAVIS: Wow, that is an unfortunate placement for me. LAURA: Wait, can I pick him up? MATT: Sure.
LAURA: (shouts) LIAM: Do I have to roll separately for William, yeah? MATT: Yes. LAURA: (shouting) SAM: Oh my god.
TRAVIS: Oh shit, oh shit. LAURA: Y’all, we’re going to die. Did I put him back in the right place? MARISHA: I know, I know, I know.
LAURA: Is that okay? TRAVIS: We’re good, we’re good, we’re good. MATT: All righty, so. MARISHA: What’s the plan? MATT: Everyone rolled initiative? 25 to 20. MARISHA: 25. SAM: 25. MARISHA: Oh! Yes.
SAM: Off of a natural 20. MARISHA: Same here!
LAURA: What?! MATT: Nice! LIAM: ♪ That fuckin’ teamwork ♪ MATT: 20 to 15? TRAVIS: 16. LIAM: 17. MATT: Oh, nice. TALIEISN: Nice, nice. Oh no. TRAVIS: Caleb, Fjord. MATT: All righty. 15 to 10? LAURA and TALIESIN: 13. TRAVIS: Oh, wow.
MARISHA: Clerics. SAM: ♪ That’s fucking bad luck! ♪ MATT: Those guys just teaming up over here. All righty, we have… TALIESIN: Pretty good for clerics. LAURA: Yeah, that’s not bad.
MARISHA: That’s good. TALIESIN: Clerics always go
at the bottom of initiative, anyway. MARISHA: I think he meant like unlucky number 13?
MATT: I believe that’s everyone– oh, and what was Willi’s? LIAM: Oh, it was 11. MATT: 11, Willi. SAM: Guys, there are other figurines inside those little– LAURA and TALIESIN: Yeah. SAM: Like they could come out and kill us.
LAURA: They could be dead. TALIESIN: Let’s try really hard not to hit them. MATT: All righty. Top of the combat round, it is Beau and Nott. SAM: Ladies first, oh wait, I’m a lady. (laughter) MATT: Yeah. SAM: I’m a lady! MARISHA: Do you want to try some sneak attack round shit? SAM: Yes!
MARISHA: You can get that anyway. You go, you go. SAM: I got this, girl.
MARISHA: All right. Girl power. SAM: I’m going to dart into that sort of area, into the in between space.
MATT: Okay. SAM: As I run through, I’m going to turn and pew, pew, shoot at least once at this creature, just once. MATT: Go for it. SAM: All right. Natural 20 again. ALL: Oh! SAM: Wow, wow, okay, that hits, I assume. MATT: Go for it, it does hit. (chuckles) MARISHA: And sneak attack.
LAURA: Ooh! MARISHA: Come on, come on. SAM: 16, 18, 20, 23, plus six is 29 points. LAURA: Wait, but it’s crit, you double it. MARISHA: Double your dice. SAM: Oh shit. TALIESIN: 23.
LAURA: So 23 times– SAM: So that’s 46 plus six is 52. MATT: 52 points of damage out of the gate. SAM: Plus, it’s a Tinkertop Boltblaster, so on a natural 20, it just shoots again. MARISHA: Oh! SAM: For a 20 to hit.
MATT: That hits. SAM: Another 11 points of damage. MATT: Ooh, rogues, man. SAM: Should I keep going? LAURA and TRAVIS: Yes! SAM: All right, I will use my bonus action to attack again. MATT: Go for it. SAM: Ooh, 27 to hit. MATT: That hits. TRAVIS: Come on! SAM: Another 10 points of damage, plus I’ll do Fury of the Small, another 20 points of damage. MATT: So 10th level rogue, opening round, just throwing it out there, just did 82 points of damage. TRAVIS: Whoa, fuck!
MATT: First round of combat. MARISHA: That’s hot!
LAURA: That’s awesome. TRAVIS: 10th level? Shit.
MATT: Yeah. LAURA: Oh my god, what are you going to do– SAM: I’m unstoppable! LAURA: Don’t die, you’re going to be
so cool when you level up. SAM: Uh-huh.
MATT: All right, that finish your turn? SAM: Yep, that’s it.
MATT: Beau. MARISHA: Okay! I’m energized now from Nott. I want to go beep, beep, boop, dope monk shit, parkour, come down. TALIESIN: Monk shit. MARISHA: Forward flip.
SAM: You’re doing it. MATT: Landing where? Here? MARISHA: Heel to the fucking face, yeah. LAURA: Which face? There’s three of them! MATT: Four, technically.
LAURA: There’s four of them! I didn’t see that one hiding behind the big one! MARISHA: I’ll go in the epicenter of the faces. MATT: Okay, which as you rush in the air, you can see two of them look up at you. You can see the faces are in different stages of deformity. One of them has barely human features, its skull exaggerated and torn, almost through the flesh in the front, its teeth broken and jagged out in your direction, its eyes peering from sunken sockets. Another one looks mostly human and is just (moans), moaning as it turns in your direction. Go ahead and roll your attacks. MARISHA: Okay. (panting) Okay, two attacks, I’m going to do both of them, pop pop. That’s a 25 and 28. MATT: Both hit. You guys are rolling awesomely out of the gate here. SAM: Oh yeah. MATT: I can only hope to back that up. TRAVIS: Oh.
MARISHA: Yeah, okay, that is 11 damage, and then 10 damage, so 21 damage. MATT: 21 damage, awesome. MARISHA: A-Stunning Strike. MATT: Stunning Strike.
MARISHA: Let’s see this guy’s constitution. MATT: That is a 16. MARISHA: Goddamn it. TRAVIS: Are we alone in here? That’s the important question. MARISHA: Why is it always 16?
TRAVIS: With the light from the sword that’s up, can we see to– MATT: I’m rolling different numbers, but they have different constitution bonuses. TRAVIS: The heads?! MATT: No, meaning like the different things I’ve rolled recently. But they always seem to be hitting that 16. MARISHA: I know, but it’s always like right above my– Why aren’t you working? There we go. MATT: You still have your bonus action. MARISHA: Bonus action, I’m right in front of it, yeah? MATT: You and Fjord are both hitting it from the right and left angles of its body. TRAVIS: (clears throat) MARISHA: It would be super awesome if I could stun him out of the gate, so– MATT: Caleb, it is your turn next. MARISHA: Flurry of Blows. I’m going to duck down and go for ribcage shots. MATT: Go for it, roll for an attack on the third one. MARISHA: Natural 20. TRAVIS: Oh! Oh shit! (laughter) MARISHA: Garbage, garbage dice roll. MATT: It’s going to be real funny if I spent so much time on this battlefield and you guys finish it in like three rounds. MARISHA: 10 damage. A-Stunning Strike. TRAVIS: How much damage on that crit? MARISHA: 10, I rolled a two.
MATT: 15? MARISHA: 15 is my save. MATT: Sorry. LAURA: Ugh! MARISHA: Okay, second hit. No, 12. MATT: 12 misses. LAURA: What controls that save? Is it dexterity?
MATT: Wisdom. LAURA: Wisdom, okay.
MATT: Yes. Two close calls for the creature on that one. Does that finish your turn? MARISHA: Uh-huh.
MATT: Caleb, you’re up. LIAM: Caleb is walking in this direction to try to get close to maybe this green door to get away from this big disgusting man. MATT: This way, you mean?
LIAM: Yeah, and as he’s doing it, iron– SAM: It’s just Caduceus.
LIAM: — powder between his hands spreads out and he yanks his hands apart, and Beauregard shunks up to twice her size in the room. SAM: Ooh, Swoleregard. MARISHA: Ooh. LAURA: (laughs) MARISHA: It took a second to catch what you were saying. Oh, me. TRAVIS: Maybe we should talk to him. LAURA: Holy–! MARISHA: Which one, which head? MATT: (chuckling) LIAM: Am I able to look around quickly to make sure that there’s nothing over in this corner to eat me? MATT: Make a passing perception check. MARISHA: Oh. Extract Aspects. MATT: Oh, yes. LIAM: 17 on perception. MARISHA: Before we get too far away. Sorry. MATT: That’s fair enough. You got to remember that. It is immune to lightning and poison, as well as bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from nonmagical weapons that aren’t adamantine. MARISHA: Okay, I just shout out– MATT: Also, it’s immune to being charmed, exhausted, frightened, paralyzed, petrified, or poisoned. (gasping) LIAM: Wow, you learned a lot from that punch. TRAVIS: What was the first half of that shit? MARISHA:: Lightning and poison, right? MATT: Yeah. MARISHA: Lightning and poison, nonmagical weapons, and basically anything like mind-related. So I shout out: Avoid– huh? MATT: Except for not stunned.
MARISHA: Huh? MATT: It is not immune to stun. MARISHA: It is not immune to stun. That’s great. So I shout out: Avoid lightning and poison and, like, body shit.
MATT: Okay. TRAVIS: “Body shit.” SAM: Avoid body shit?
MARISHA: Yeah! I’m trying to get it out in six seconds. TRAVIS: Is that the end of your turn, Caleb? LIAM: That is the end of my turn.
TRAVIS: Okay. I will use my bonus action to cast Hexblade’s Curse on this piece of shit. MATT: You got it. Hexblade’s Curse. I will take two swings with the Star Razor. MATT: Do it. Where’s the Hexblade’s Curse one? Someone’s been messing with my stuff. SAM: Uh-oh.
MATT: That’s all right. Well, we’ll use that as the curse, so you know it’s there. TRAVIS: A 19 and a 20. MATT: 19 and a 20. Both hit. TRAVIS: Beautiful. First one… That is a 14 plus four for the Hexblade’s Curse, so 18 on the first. MATT: All righty, nice. TRAVIS: And 12, four, 16 on the second. MATT: 16, oof. He’s already looking hurt. (laughs) SAM: Oh, what? MATT: As you’re carving through, he hasn’t even gone yet, and you guys… (laughter) You guys are now carving into his flesh. You can see as the parts of flesh open up from underneath, you can see bone exposed that doesn’t make sense for an internal skeleton. Elements of bone that are just floating or are attached in ways that don’t make sense. The physicality of this creature is wild, and horrifying, to be honest. But you’re exposing elements of its interior body, and you can see elements of its flesh are starting to mend a little bit, and you could almost see semblances of teeth at the corner of some of these wounds. TRAVIS: Oh no.
SAM: Teeth? MATT: Does that finish your turn? LAURA: Oh no. MARISHA: It’s totally a baby Laughing Hand, right? Or something like that?
LIAM: Or related. MARISHA: Yeah. TRAVIS: If I move, and he tries to hit me with an attack of opportunity, can you use Sentinel against him? MARISHA: Sorry? Yes, if what, sorry? TRAVIS: If I move and it provokes an attack of opportunity, can you use Sentinel against him?
MARISHA: Yes, I can. TRAVIS: It won’t prohibit the attack of opportunity, though, right? He’ll still take it. He’ll still take it, but she gets to hit him. But I get to hit him and potentially keep him from moving. Yeah, fuck it. I’m going to back up, I’m just going to literally see Beau, huge behind me, and be like, right behind you. I’m going to let him duck under, and let this guy follow him, and then like, closeline him. Okay, as you swing underneath, you can see the large bulky arms, one that’s like, pressed up against the slick wall, and the other one that’s hulking towards like a gorilla arm. One of the tiny longer thin ones (whooshes) shoots out towards Fjord. That is going to be a 23 to hit. That definitely hits. It does no damage, but you are consider grappled. Oh.
So you do not move. Okay. He takes three points of damage from the Star Razor. Radiant. While you are grappled, you are also considered restrained.
Okay. Which means you have to make an action to make a strength check to try and break free. Got it, before my turn? Yeah.
Okay. You taking your attack?
Yep. Natural 20.
Damn! Shit, look at that.
About time. Yeah, no, sure.
Wow. About time.
Okay. Swoleregard! Let’s go, beast mode! I just clothesline the fuck out of him. Fucking open it up, fifth gear! Ooh yes! (clucks like a chicken) That is 8 plus six, 20, 18 plus six? 24.
24 damage! Damn. Crack! A little bait and switch, a little juke for ya. You got it.
A little– As you, now as opposed to like hitting for the heads, you’re its size, if not a little bit larger, and as you club across the front, one of the heads snaps, the neck breaking. Ooh. That finishes your attack? Yes, and he can’t move now, he is– Well, technically no. It’s only when you hit him as an attack of opportunity as he’s moving that you reduce his speed to zero. the attack that you just took as a Sentinel one is just a free attack. So he still has his movement. Sorry, sorry. It’s okay.
My bad. No, it’s mine.
Nevermind. Live and learn. Natural 20. It is now the creature’s turn. Oh god. You watch that broken neck snap back into place with this horrible sickening sound. It’s going to go ahead and– It’s going to do some like, la la la la la. It’s going to spider climb up into the chains above. Wait, why is Fjord going with him? Because Fjord’s attached, he got grappled! He got him in his baby hand, his baby arms got him. His little baby arm? Lands here, knocks one of the glass canisters off the side, which shatters onto the ground, after taking the hit from you earlier. It seems to be a little wary of you. So on its turn, it’s going to make its six melee attacks. (gasping) On me?! I’m so sorry. I thought you said six. Yeah. Has a lot of things to attack with. Ooh. First it’s going to attempt a grab attack against you, Nott. That’s going to be a 15. To hit?
To hit. Does not hit. It’s going to make a second grab attack on you. That is going to be a 27. Hits.
Wow. Okay, you are grappled and considered restrained. Okay. Now two of the arms are now grabbing and holding on, Nott and Fjord, and you guys are like, being held to it. That’s two of its attacks, it’s now going to make– It swung with a 27 to hit. It’s going to make a bite attack against you, Fjord. Uh-huh. Actually no, it’s going to make it against you, since it just pulled you in, it’s actually going to pull you towards one of the large swollen heads, the jaws open up wide. Because I’m restrained, does it have advantage on it? It does.
Okay. You’re getting eaten. Which is good, that brings us to 21. Hits.
No. All righty. You suffer… Get my d4s here. I don’t know, yeah, sorry. This is fuckin’ awesome, this is awesome! No, you did good.
Yeah, I grew you. You grew me. You take 20 points of piercing damage as it just bites into your body, and you’re hanging from the jaw now as part of your being held and restrained. You can see tiny Nott now being like chewed in this awful mutated Halas face. I’ll do uncanny dodge and reduce it to 10. Okay, go for it. Because you’re dodging out of its maneuver, it’s going to go ahead and do the rest of the attacks on you. Great, cool.
Oh. Cool, great. That’s going to be three more attacks against you. They’re all slam attacks, as you’re like in its mouth, it starts like pummeling you in the jaw and clawing across you. With advantage, that is 22 to hit? Yes. 18 to hit? Armor class is 18.
That hits. Yeah. And 23 to hit.
Hits. So all three hit you. Ooh, ah, ooh. All right, (mumbling). Oh boy. I’m excited. Take 39 points of bludgeoning damage. Cool, cool. Then it’s going to use– Ooh, it’s got more? Yeah, it’s got one more. Legendary actions. No no, it was two grapple attempts, a bite, and then three bludgeoning attacks, that’s all of its attacks. Okay. Oh right, five. It’s going to stay where it is actually, hiding amongst these glass vials. It’s giving itself a little bit of cover from ranged attacks. Did anything happen from the tube that got knocked over? Nothing that you see. (whines) Other than more liquid spilling on the ground. It was already cracked open before it got pushed over, and you don’t have a view of what’s inside of it. That’s going to end its turn, actually. That brings us to Caduceus and Jester. You want to go first? Sure, I’ll go first. I’m going to try and get a clear shot on this thing. How much do I have to move? Then I’m going to– Sorry, you did watch its wounds slightly mend a little bit. God dammit.
Yep. Yeah, I’m going to find a clear shot on this thing, and then I’m going to back up into one of the corners as far away from all the shit as possible. But to start with, I’m going to hit it with a Ray of Enfeeblement. Ray of Enfeeblement. Is that a saving throw or an attack roll? That’s a save. A save, what is the save on that one? Constitution 17. Constitution 17. That is going to be a 15. Oh! All of its attacks that are strength based are, the damage is halved. (scoffs) (laughter) Fucking Caduceus! That noise, I like that noise. Now I’m going to back up into that corner as far away from this as humanly possible. Okay.
That’s the way. Yep. And that’s my turn. Hey, that was great!
Wow. That was really good, Caduceus! Yeah. While he was doing that, I was going to run over here, to where I can get a good view. Can I see him from here? Yeah. You can see him. I can see him. Okay. I’m going to Guiding Bolt him. Okay. At third level. Go for it. Third level.
Don’t hit me! He does have three-quarters cover, just so you’re aware. Oh, well can I get up somewhere to where I can get out of the three-quarters cover? Where do you want to maneuver? If I like, ran up the stairs, would I be able to– To there?
Yeah, I can see. He would have half-cover then. Okay. He went there specifically to defend himself, so. Okay, okay, okay. Don’t hit me! Hit me, is that what I heard? (grunts) Hit me! That’s 17? 17 misses. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Strikes by, you can see it lighting up the various glass tubes as it streaks out, the creature ducks out of the way, and you see it just pass between the tangled mass of arms and limbs. Is it speaking any language or emitting any sound? In your proximity, it’s making all sorts of sounds. Every head has been making its own different weirdly pitched voice. One of them’s like a chattering (chittering), one of them is this low sucking (inhaling), the almost completely formed human head is going (moaning). They’re all just this awful mixture of different voices and sounds, and you’re like, held up right against it. No no, no no, no no, no no. The flesh is slick and dripping, yeah. I’m going to, for the rest of my turn, just jump down here and like hide. Okay, you got it. It is now Willy’s go. (chuckling) Hey! Telepathically I summon Willy to me to protect me. What’s his movement? Is it 40? 30, so I’d like him to go right in front of me here, and hold his action to pummel anything that gets up on me and tries to hurt me. You got it. Cool. That finishes your turn, or Willy’s turn. Beau and Nott, you guys are up. What? Kill him since none (mumbling). How do I get out of this? You have to spend an action to try and escape. Oh yeah, to disengage. Or I could attack, no, while I’m restrained. You can attack. You just have disadvantage on your attacks. I probably can’t move my crossbow around. You probably could, since you have the crossbow expert feat, you can do it at point blank and it’s not a problem. Was it crossbow expert, or it’s the other one? Try farting. (laughter) Try farting. Or you can disengage and then– I will try a strength, I will try to get out of this. Try to get out. Are you grappled or are you just– Grappled and restrained. Oh, fuck. It has disadvantage on strength checks right now. Oh, that’s true. Yeah, but it’s your check, not his, right? Or is it contested? I think it’s contested, is it contested? For this one it is contested, yes. I will try to scurry out. All right. Using the strength of my conviction and my 19 that I rolled, plus my strength, which is zero. (laughter) He rolled a 15 plus five, a 20. Oh!
(groaning) So really, I needed a 20. (chuckles) Disadvantage. And that’s at disadvantage? Hmm? That’s at disadvantage? He has disadvantage on strength checks? No, he does half damage with any strength-based attacks, it doesn’t change his actual checks. Yeah.
Okay, okay, okay. That’s different. Doesn’t have disadvantage on strength checks. Can I bonus action hide? (laughter) Within the muscles of its weird, perverted form? You can try. No, but do I get to do a bonus action, I mean like, defend? Is there a defend action? Is there like a– You can take an action to defend. Monks basically get to do it as a bonus action, but anyone can take the dodge as their action. You can dash, disengage, or hide as a bonus action. That’s all you got. I can’t block. Yeah, anyone can dodge, but you have to take your action to do it. Correct. Then I will not do anything, and I will just, I’ll fart on it. (laughs) Fair enough, that finishes your turn. Girl power! Okay. Beat the shit out of him, Beauregard! This is precarious, right? With me being a large–
Yeah. A large Beau? All right. I can run past these guys, right? Yeah, you run past allies. 50 foot movement speed, so five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, (mumbling). Yeah, you would be able to get to about there, to be in melee radius. All right. With my big hulking form, I’m just going to do some big like, Iron Man style haymakers, just going full like– Just straight in, go for it. Pop pop.
Another 20. Well, there’s the balance. (laughter)
Yep. Was it double ones? One and a three. (laughter) Yeah. Yeah. That’s your action. You rush around, and as you go to swing, the liquid that actually hits the lower part of the floor actually gets slick at this point at the stairs, and as you reach forward with a swing, your foot goes out from under you and you have to actually catch yourself on the stair. Oh, my back! Yep. Twists a little bit. Still have your bonus action. Monk masters and their bad back, man. (laughter) I will… Fuck it. Flurry of Blows. I wouldn’t fuck that thing, that seems like a bad idea. (laughter) ♪ Flurry of Blows ♪ (Matt mumbling) Yeah, I know, you don’t know. (laughs) (Matt mumbles) Well, well. Oh no. Where those teeth have been. Oh no. What’s this? The pendulum has swung? I won’t say them for you. It’s a three and a four. (laughter) The four’s a total of? 14. 14, no, that misses, yeah, I’m sorry. You get up once more, and as you go to swing, you swing twice more, but the large hand on its left side actually grabs your forehead and holds you at bay like a bully. Oh, gross. That’s embarrassing.
I know. (laughter) Plus you’re really big, so we all saw it, like… (laughter) Caleb, you’re up. Prominently. I’m up already? Oh jeez. Yeah, it’s not gone well. That went quickly to me. Yeah, okay, I’m just going to throw a Fire Bolt at his head. Go for it. Yeah, okay. Sure. The human one. That’s a roll, make a ranged spell attack, here it comes. Yeah, the human one? The one that’s making human moans, oh, that misses. Oh, oh, oh. Misses, definitely misses. Oh no, what are we doing, what happened? Oh no, we felt too good! (laughter) (Sam mumbling) I will, yeah, just move a little bit further this way and stay put. All right. That finishes your go, Fjord, you’re up. Okay. Both Nott and I are still– Held, yeah. Like, Nott is hanging in the mouth of one of the heads. You are currently a giant hand. Like the hand itself is about maybe the size of your mid-chest, and the fingers are wrapped around you and holding you in place. (grunting) Is Nott like, five feet away from me? Approx, I’d say… You’re both all sharing the, no, Nott wouldn’t be 10 feet from you. (sighs) It’s okay, you do you. You sure? I’ll be fine. All right. I’m going to reach out my hand and say Nott, take my hand! She can’t reach it. I use my reaction to reach it with my tiny little hand. (laughter) I got a six-inch reach. He comes up short? Comes up short, yeah. All right, then fuck it, I will, not going to do that. I will use my action to try and break out of the grapple. Go for it. You can go if you need to. Contested strength roll. Okay. Ugh. He’s not always an asshole.
11. 13. See, that beats you. Fucking goddamn it. It won’t let you break free, so you have your bonus action, and your movement, well not actually your movement. Yeah, I don’t have any movement, and I think bonus action, I don’t have any, I’m not going to cast Hex. Yeah, no, that ends my turn. Okay. It’s now the creature’s turn, it moves up a little more. Its wounds begin to seal up slightly. It now seeing large Beau running around the side and slipping and falling, holding you at bay, clutching both of them, it’s still feeling ill, and you can see the green energy seeping into its body from the Ray of Enfeeblement it sees in the distance in the shadow. Caduceus’s silhouette back up in towards one of the light sources of green. One of the heads–
Oh no. It’s going to attempt to climb up into the chains and head that direction, or Beau, you do get your reaction. And this time I can make them stop. Correct.
Make it stop. Make it stop!
Please make him stop! (laughter) You were doing good, you were doing good to me. Okay, okay, okay, 25. It was almost a one. 25 definitely works. Yes. 25 hits. Yeah, he can’t fucking move. Big Beau. Don’t forget your size. Monks, man. I’m just going to, as he crawls away, grab him and like try and hold him by one of his shitty feet. His shitty feet. 11. 11.
Yeah. Okay. You grab his foot and yank it back down, slam him onto the stonework. Both of you get jostled around from the impact. You can see one of the heads turn towards you, its face half bent to one side and the eye slips in your direction. Sup. (laughs) Sup.
Mm-hmm. He’s going to take his round. He is–
He’s up. Actually no, he got to roll, okay. He now goes into a fearful rage. A fearful rage?
A fearful rage. The damage its taken has started to impact it enough, and it can’t get away. You can see the eyes now darting around, and now it’s starting to have that fight or flight maneuver in it, and in doing so, gets advantage on all of its attacks. (gasps) It’s going to unload entirely on you, Beauregard, since you’re the one who kept it down. That’s fine. So six attacks on you. That’s fine! All damage is halved. That’s good. Before it even gets to you. If it’s a strength-based attack. It is strength-based. All right, that is a 25 to hit. Hits. On the first one. The second one is a 22 to hit. Yep, so together that’s 47. Oh, it hits, hits, hits, sorry. Yes, hits. Tits, tits, tits. 23 to hit? Hits. 17 to hit. Miss.
Right. 25 to hit.
Yeah. And 24 to hit.
Mm-hmm. The last one’s going to be a bite attack. No that was six hits. One of them missed, so five hits, four of which are regular and one of them’s a bite attack. For the slams against you, that is– Thanks Caduceus. 10 reduced to five. Okay.
That is good. 11 reduced to five.
Okay. Mm. 17 reduced to eight. 16 reduced to eight. Then the bite attack. Really thinking about this, I was trying to pick what spell to cast. Good job.
Thank you. That would’ve been way fucking worse. Those six attacks was like, oh no. Clerics, hell yes. 21 points of piercing damage reduced to 10. Okay. And that’s his turn, because he can’t fuckin’ move. Cool, all right, Caduceus, Jester, you’re up. Do you want to go first, or? No, no, it’s all you. Okay. I’m going to try and cross the room again, just towards me, just to get a little, and while I cross, I’m going to try and find an open shot and take a Sacred Flame attack. Okay. Sacred Flame is dexterity saving throw? Yep.
All righty. That is going to be a 10. No, that is a fail. Go ahead and roll damage on that. All right. Sacred Flame, that’s 3 points of radiant damage. 13 points, nice. And, let’s see, anything else? Just because I saw it, I’m, no, no, I’m good, I’m going to hold there. Okay, that’s the end of your turn Caduceus, Jester, you’re up. Okay. I’m going to come over here and just come up the steps a little bit where I can see him. (laughter) Then I’m going to try to cast Polymorph on him. Okay. As you gather the spell, what form do you want to choose? I’m going to turn him into a turtle, but with lots of heads. (laughter) Fair enough. (laughter) As you focus the spell through the Traveler’s gift and release the power, unfortunately one of its things is it can’t be Polymorphed. It has an immutable form. But it was wonderful– That was a wonderful description, I’m sorry. Immutable form? I didn’t get that–
That wasn’t in the thing. You don’t learn all of its abilities. You learn its condition immunities and its damage immunities. This is actually–
Special abilities. Yes, this is something that pretty much all golems have is immutable form. When made so perfectly, why would you change it? Yeah. (all chattering) That finish your turn, Jester? I don’t think I’ve got Healing Word. You already cast a spell anyway, so. Oh, yeah, you’re right, so fuck it. Okay, Willy’s go. Same command, stay put, protect me. Stay put and protect you, you got it. All right, top of the round, Beau and Nott. (shouting) (laughter) You’re still being chewed on, Nott. I don’t like that. I can also, do you want me to try and like, yank you out? You do what you do. I’m in a mouth. There’s not much deciding I’m going to do. I guess I’ll try to stab it. Okay. You pull out your dagger? Dagger of Denial and just sort of jab at it. Go for it, roll for attack. At disadvantage. Dis? Because you’re restrained. Oh, they’re both real good. 26. 26.
Yeah. Okay, that hits. All right. Even though you have disadvantage on the attack roll, because one of your friends is in melee, it is considered a sneak attack. Okay. You actually like reach back and jam it into its eye with the blade. Tight. And I get all the sneak attack damage. Yes you do. It’s still holding me! (laughter) You see Nott just fling the arm a few times, and you’re having to like… (laughter) 22 points of damage. I will also activate the dagger, closing the door to its mouth, so it can’t open the mouth anymore. (laughter) One, doesn’t work that way. Two, you’re in its mouth, so you wouldn’t want that to happen either. (laughter) Dammit. A curious thought. All right. You still have your bonus action. I can’t do anything on my bonus action, so I will just yell and scream. Ah, ah! You got it. Beauregard, you’re up. I’m by his leg still. Yep. Yeah, hmm. I want to just drag him forward. Okay. And punch him in the face. (laughter) Which one? One punch for each face. Can I try and like go for the temple of the one that’s holding Nott? Sure. Yeah, go for it. Kind of like a, spit it out. Drop it. Drop it!
Drop it! Okay. Natural 20. Yeah, yeah. And 16 plus 10, so 26. Both definitely hit, yeah. I’ll do this Nat 20 first. (mumbling) That shit. (grunting) 12, that’s 18 damage. Then, I’m not going to try and stun him, that’s dumb. I’m over-stunning. Okay, 10 points. 10, nice. (laughter) Yeah? And your bonus action. Then you say “how do you want to do this?” No.
(laughter) Matt forgot his line. (laughter) Sorry, I didn’t have time to read the (mumbling) before I got here. Mr. Mercer, your line is. (laughter) So bonus action? (laughter) Bonus action– Nott’s just screaming in its jaws. Fjord you can barely see being held in place and being thrashed around.
Help me! Can I try and yank Nott out of its mouth as a– That would be an action to do that. Okay. You hurt him real good. I’ll just attack for my bonus action. Okay. Just a regular old attack. Regular attack, go for it. Keep rolling those 20s. Come on. 20s. Big money, no whammies, no whammies. I don’t know what’s going to happen. So no, no, that’s not a 20, it’s a two, so– Yeah, that’s a fail, sorry. Swings wide. This time trying to find a place, as you’re holding its leg, you pull it back and try to pummel it, you get two good hits in, it withdraws, its slippery arm slipping out of your grip, you go for a third strike, and it just moves out of your space, unfortunately. Finishing your go, Beau, Nott, Caleb, you’re up. (mumbling) So Caleb sees our good start start to go sideways and everything’s going tits-up, so he yanks a cocoon out of his pouch, waves his hand in the air, mutters some words, and Beauregard shrinks and Nott expands into a massive gigantic green ape. Fuck. Oh my god.
Who, me? Me?
Yeah. Nott becomes a giant ape? Giant green ape. That definitely breaks you free. That’s awesome. (laughter) Oh no. It breaks.
Dave! Oh no. Onto the ground there, and as it does, it shatters and you see a torn corpse that has been long floating in a murky liquid, sprawl on the ground. Ew, right next to me. ♪ Do you believe ♪ Wait, no sorry. (laughter) Did that other body every do anything? (laughter) Mattie? Nothing at the moment, no. Okay. That is horrifying to me, standing between these two things. I’m a giant ape? I just texted it to you. All right. Does that finish your turn? Yeah, that’s it. All right, Fjord, you’re up. Oh, fuck this! I’ll use my relentless hex as a bonus action to magically teleport up to 30 feet to an unoccupied space you can see within five feet of the target cursed by my Hexblade’s Curse, so I’m going to foop out of his grasp and just appear right on the other side of him, still in his melee range.
Here? I have to be within five feet of him, yeah. Maybe on his backside. Is there any edge?
Okay, so right over here? Yeah, that’d be great.
Yeah, you can do that. You land precariously, like almost landing onto the jagged glass of one of the destroyed tubes behind you and stop yourself. As I reach back, I’ll summon the sword and do two strikes against his back with the Star Razor. Go for it. That is a 23 to hit and a 27. Both hit. Beautiful. First one does 16 plus four, so 20. Ooh. With Hexblade’s Curse being the extra four, and oh, same exact thing, so 16, wait, yeah, 16 plus four, yeah 20. So 40 total. Oh. As you appear behind it and slice twice, you’re carving large bits of its body off. You can see elements of its back like trapezes muscle slapping onto the wet ground. The bone exposed, and like I said, the bone is a tangled mess behind, and you can see where some of the ligaments are like tangled and knotted. It’s looking really, really, really bad. Should really see a chiropractor, my friend. (giggles) That finish your turn?
Yes. All right, it’s now its turn, it’s going to heal a little bit. No. Let’s see if it is in its fearful rage again. It is not in its fearful rage. That’s not once per day, that’s awesome. You do you, getting better at everything. All right, it is going to attempt to flee this current scenario, it’s going to attempt to leap back up into the chains. Actually, Fjord, the ape, and Beauregard all get attacks of opportunity on it. Oh, it’s going down. So you go first. Okay. Okay. Okay. 15. 15 misses. 22. 22 hits.
Great. Terrible, 12. 12 misses. 17 plus four, 21. 21 points of damage. Ooh ooh.
10 plus seven plus four. No. But it’s close. Stage manager. It’s going to leap up into the chains and swing over. No! Landing right next to you. No!
Okay. It’s like that magical energy that’s seeping into its body. One of the heads has been like, tracing you the whole time.
It’s cool. It’s feeling swarmed up top there, so it escaped and got up into the chains, and the first thing it saw was you moving to that corner and just leap down towards you. It’s going to unleash all of its attacks on you. All right.
Oh no, Caduceus! Try talking to him. That is going to be a 20 to hit? 20 hits.
All righty. He’s got several heads, maybe one of them will listen. Natural 20. Oh fuck. Okay, actually I’ll do these attacks each time. Actually yeah, let’s do, yeah. The first one is going to be 11 points of bludgeoning damage.
Reduced by half. Reduced by half. So that’s five points.
Correct. Now I have to make a, hold on, all right so. Constitution saving throw. Five damage. Constitution saving throw. Oh that’s right, you have to do this each time. Constitution saving throw, though, I have advantage on. Oh, are you war caster? Yeah.
Yes. That’s cool.
It’s the greatest feat. Natural 20.
Yes! Yeah, all right. Second attack, which is a natural 20. Mm-hmm. Wait second attack? It’s what it rolled on it. It’s going to be… 17 points of bludgeoning damage, reduced to half. Reduced to half, so that’s–
Eight? Eight. Go ahead and roll another constitution saving throw. Nine? Fail. Okay, so no more of that. He’s strong. Yeah. Cool. Third attack.
Mm-hmm. 25 to hit.
That hits. You suffer 14 points of bludgeoning damage. Okay, hold on. Fourth attack’s a 27 to hit. That hits. God dammit. That is going to be an 11 points of bludgeoning damage. Fifth attack, 23 to hit. That hits, god dammit. That’s going to be 13 points of bludgeoning damage. Last strike, which is a bite attack. Two of the heads, because it leans forward, start gnawing onto the side of your face. That’s going to be a 20 to hit. God dammit, that hits. All righty. (mumbling) He’s rolling really good, which is nice. (grunting like an ape) “He’s rolling really good, which is nice.” For me finally, for all the shit you guys did the first round. Bass. (grunting) Yeah, but I’m Nott, I’m Nott, I’m a goblin. 23 points of piercing damage. Jesus. Ow. Okay.
Ow. It’s going to use the rest of its movement to just shift around onto this side of you and just, and which by the way, as it moves, it does bring Fjord with it. No. No, that’s right, you teleported out of its grip. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, I forgot about that. Ow. (laughter) Understood. Understood. Can’t take another one of those right now. Caduceus, Jester, you’re up. Okay. You’ve been going first, so. No, you please, okay, I was about to say. Hold on. I’m actually tempted to have you go first, because I don’t know what I’m doing yet, because that changed all my plans. Well, I’m just going to try to, this is like, I feel like it’s lame, but I’m going to try to Guiding Bolt him. Go for it. Roll for an attack. He does not have any additional cover, because he’s out in the open, he’s not– Right, that’s why I’m doing it again. That up the butt or what? Up the butt! 25. That hits, go ahead and roll damage. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Okay. 6d6. Whoa. Okay. That’s pretty solid. 10, 21, 26 points of radiant damage. How do you want to do this? (shouting and cheering) Yeah! (sighs) Guiding Bolt, come on. I’m going to just yell out, Caduceus, duck! I’m going to hold my Traveler symbol and out shoots like sparkly pink guiding radiant energy. What? Oh! Barely missing you by a couple inches, you can feel the warmth from the radiant blast as it strikes the body of the creature. One teeny unicorn with double heads smiles and escapes and flies forward as well. Whee!
Yeah. As the beam burns into its body, you see as it strikes, the energy sparkles, you hear almost the sound of a harp, and as the energy eventually dissipates, you can see the large hole in its torso where the blast was, and the body collapses to the ground. Ooh. (grunting like an ape) Oh. You’re cute. Is that corpse that spilled out over there from the crashed tube, is it moving lying still? You go ahead and check it out? Yeah, I’d like to. Okay. You head on over to this one over here? Yep. All right, you move over and look at the corpse. Sword forward. Sword forward. No, it’s not moving. Poke. (squelches) It’s been long dead. Poke this thing really quickly with my stick just to see if it’s doing anything or trying to heal or anything. The creature on the ground next to you? Yeah. Okay, you poke it with a stick. One of the hands grabs it. Nobody’s done anything in the interim, it’s healed a little bit, it’s now back to its turn. (shouting) Was that really six entire seconds? I feel like I would’ve done that instantly, to be fair. Right. I was waiting for anyone to do anything, and no one thought to do anything in the standpoint. Gets back up. Like poke with a stick doesn’t stop it from healing. Well I mean, okay, so it did grab the stick and is back up. It’s back up. Where in the round are we right now? We’re technically at its, finished with Jester’s turn, a round went by without anything happening, it healed top of its turn, so it’s top of its turn. Well, I’m fuckin’ out. It’s going to go ahead and make first attack against you, Caduceus. Yeah, yeah, I’m already. See if it goes into its fearful rage. It does get into its fearful rage, so it has advantage on its attack rolls. You’re going to go down. That’s 28. Oh yeah, that hits. All right, Caduceus. That is 10 points of bludgeoning damage. Okay. Second attack against you, 22. That also hits. You take 15 points of bludgeoning damage. I’m out. You watch as it tears into Caduceus, peeling back some of the armor, and one of the hands stabs into the torso, he yelps out and then falls unconscious on the ground. That arm just grabs onto his body, he’s going to turn towards the two of you, and then leap through the rest of the way, holding Caduceus’s unconscious body. Oh god.
Oh god. With him. With that, it’s going to go ahead and make, that was three attacks, right? Or was that two.
That was two. That was two attacks, so it has four more. It’s going to go ahead and do all attacks on Jester, since you’re the one that took it out last round. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, tight, tight. 22 to hit.
Hits. 25 to hit.
Hits. 22 to hit.
Uh-huh. Has advantage on all these, so those are the bludgeoning attacks, which would be 11 points of bludgeoning damage. Okay, on this first one I’m going to use Hellish Rebuke. Go for it. Doesn’t hurt him, does it? I don’t know. It might–
This might solve everything. That’s 3d10. Constitution saving throw for him or dexterity? Dex, dex.
Dex. That is a six. Oh, good! Where’d it go? Oh, it’s on me. Smoke this fuckin’ thing. Oh, good! 16, 20 points of cold damage. How do you want to do this? (cheering) (shouts) I’m going to see Caduceus flopping around, I’m going to look over at Fjord and go like, oh my god! And I’m just going to scream out like cold energy from my mouth. As you scream, (screams), the symbol sparks blue, your interior tiefling energy comes through in a blast of jagged ice, just fires outward into the creature’s face. He gets pushed back a bit, its arm up against the door, like tries to move, and then flops back up onto the ground. Chop it up, chop it up, chop it up! Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Star Razor just starts whacking at like limbs and heads and– Avoid Caduceus. Okay, what’s everybody else doing? Can I grab the dagger from Nott’s, like– I don’t have any equipment on me. He is a giant ape. You need to like rip him apart. I’m going to go over and just stomp on him. Okay, you’re all just bludgeoning it. Like the beginning of 2001, and then smashing. Anybody else? Willy is doing the same thing, he’s just punching the chunks. Try to remove his heart or something. Remove the part that’s like, will bring him back. Okay. I’m just out. So Beau– I’m going to go over and take my staff and just start like pummeling his head into paste. Try to cut his heart out, cut his heart out! All right. Is his chest exposed? Yeah, it’s bludgeoned. Can I do like what I did before, reach in? Make a medicine check. You have no idea where any of his biology is. Yeah, I’ll make a medicine check. Go for it.
Oh my god. Caleb, what are you doing? I’m summoning Frumpkin and having Frumpkin bat one at a time at each of these tubes with things in them. One by one to see if anything. If I have it prepared, holy shit, I don’t know if I, okay, I’m going to Cure Wounds him. Okay, go for it. Okay. You move over to poor Caduceus around the back side. You got it, all right. The creature heals up again next round. Wait, wait, 15, 15. You can see where that is a heart, but that was your action to look into there. It heals up again?
Yeah. Even though we’re killing it? We got to get his heart out. Is my like hand in his chest, is he– As you’re like hitting it and carving into it, parts of it are still healing up and pulling together. You guys aren’t stopping it from healing. It gets back up with half of its movement. But he would’ve let go of Caduceus in the amount of time– Yeah, Caduceus is no longer held. Getting up and having Fjord, it’s going to go ahead and unleash entirely on Fjord. Cool. Actually, you know what? Roll a d6 for me, Caduceus. Are we standing in water, by the way? Yeah, partial water, yeah. Roll a d6. Four. Four, okay. It’s going after Willy. No. All attacks on Willy. As it gets up and just starts smashing into him. Oh no, not Willy. Sentinel strike. Yep, you do. So first attack. Oh, let’s see if it gets into its rage. Nope, it does not, so it’s just single attack. So that’s 18 against? Hits. Hits. Willy takes… 13 points of bludgeoning damage. Sentinel, right?
Yep. It was almost a natural 20 again. 18? 18 just hits. 12 damage? 12 damage, you slam into him, he’s still standing. (sighs) Second attack against Willy. 21.
Hits. Takes 14 points of bludgeoning damage. Third attack against Willy is going to be 14. No. Misses, the fourth attack. 26. No. (laughter) 15 points of bludgeoning damage. Yeah, okay. That’s going to be 15 to hit? No.
Misses. The final attack’s going to be its bite attack. 26.
Yeah. That. For six seconds? 13 points of piercing damage. Okay, Willy is very mangled, but is teetering around on his legs. All righty. That brings us to, Caduceus and Jester are up next. Any combat order. I’m awake, but badly damaged. Mm-hmm. Okay. (Travis mumbling) Do you want to go first while I figure this out? I’m so sorry.
Sure. I’m going to– Get another “how do you want to do this?” I’m just going to Guiding Bolt him at first level this time. At this point, like the body’s torn apart, and like the legs aren’t even there, it’s not even moving, it’s just the arms and the torso that are trying to bludgeon and tear whatever’s in the vicinity.
23. It’s like a feral creature. That hits. 23, okay.
Free Willy. That’s 4d6. Okay, 12, 14, 16 points of damage. How do you want to do this? (laughter) It’s just the torso now, like yanking, parts of it just dangling. Oh my god, just die already! I’m going to hit him again, and like the minute he like starts to fall, I’m going to run forward with my ax and try to cut into his chest to get his heart out.
Okay, got you. As you burn into it, two of the heads smolder into ash, the skulls left behind now dangling loose across its mostly mangled body. You rush forward and start hacking into it. What’s everybody else doing? Willy’s up next, I think. Oh no, Caduceus. Yeah, I’m up next. I’m going to take a head off. I want to leave, and I want to go over to this table over here and investigate if I can find any notes, anything about like, what will stop him. I will say… Everyone make an intelligence check. (laughter) Should I even bother. I know, right? Me and you, buddy. Natural 20. Ooh! 16. 17. 11. 17. 19.
23 total. Fjord, you recall from a previous encounter you guys had in a swamp long ago, with a troll type creature that seemed to regenerate repeatedly from death, that fire and acid were the two things that seemed to keep it from restoring its body. My man, I got no fire, I got no nothing. (laughter) Do I see any jars of acid over there, okay? You, make an investigation check. I’m still trying to pull off a head. I’m cutting into its chest, because– Well, I mean, that too. I have the Glove of Blasting still. 16. 16? I mean, Caleb can fire him. Yeah, we both do. You look around and you do see there are a couple of jars of chemicals, and most of this table’s been like overturned and just been shattered on the ground. There is two jars on the ground, you pick up one, pick it up, it just smells like some sort of formaldehyde, the other one you pick up, and it does have a very caustic, like, it immediately burns your nose in a way that’s probably going to linger for a while. With that intelligence check, and I look at the Glove of Blasting and send the Scorching Ray towards it? Sure, if you want to. Okay, good, one charge. It’s just automatic, or do I roll to hit? You roll to hit, with advantage on each of these, because it is technically prone and unconscious, yeah. Okay. ♪ Totally automatic ♪ (laughter) Plus nine, so this is a 20 to hit? Yeah, that hits. Do I roll three times? Three times, three blasts. So 20 to hit. Ooh, that’s not as good, 14. 14 misses. But it’s still up, right? Wait, oh, no it’s not. And a 27. 27, all right. Two of them hit, right? Yep, so that’s 4d6 fire damage. D6, great. Awesome. Four, nine, 11, 11 points of fire damage. 11 points of fire damage, all right. Go ahead and roll damage for your hand ax. That’s a total of 15 because of the Hexblade’s Curse, I’m assuming is still on it. Technically, yeah. So it would be 15 total. What’d you roll? Would I roll at advantage because he’s– Yep. So 16. 16, misses, I’m sorry. I miss him when he’s on the fucking ground and he’s dead, I miss him. Well it’s a melee attack and he’s unconscious. He’s a bag of guts. Yeah, no it is, yeah. I just going to ah! I hit my leg. (laughter) You’re hitting places that just aren’t– I think that when I was a kid, I hit with a hammer in a sandbox, and I missed the sand and I slammed the hammer into my own– You missed the sand? I missed the sand and hit my own leg. In a sandbox.
Yeah. (laughter) How do you want to do this? I just reach out the hand and like (imitating impacts). (laughter) As the two that do strike blast, the body ignites, and you hear this high-pitched screeching. (screeching) Ah? Eventually, you see his body trying to get, the torso trying to claw its way across the ground, but the flames eventually burn as you guys are hacking into it. It stops moving, collapses, and is now a ruined smolder, no longer regenerating, and is dead. Hey! Hey guys, I found acid. I still try to cut his heart out, though. Great. I regain 14 hit points from Hexblade’s Curse. Yes.
Thank you. (sighs)
Oh. That was fine. That actually was amazing. You’re still an ape. Still an ape. Beau, do you see anything over there by the fuckin’ table? I, let me, I’m going to go look again. Now I’m not, I found this acid. I was a little like late to the party. But we have acid now. I think my rib is broken. Yeah. Should we check the rest of the canisters, and I’ll– I’m going to go smash all the canisters. Okay. I’ll hold the glowing sword up against the chains– Rip his ribs out to try to get to the heart. Oh, god. You tear open, and you do find a cluster of four hearts. Whoa! That are slightly merged. Slertly.
Slertly. (imitating hearts beating) Well, they’re not beating. (laughter) It’s like a jazz heart. They just kind of like (laughs). (laughter) Can I go back over and investigate this table with more time now? Sure.
Okay. Notes, research? There are papers around the floor area. Most everything’s been overturned, most of these tables are empty or knocked over. Everything has been sitting in whatever solution covers the bottom and has been destroyed. You spend a short time looking around and there is nothing notable or legible that remains. You grab a sheet of paper or notes and it just deteriorates in your hands as you lift it out of the water. Oh shit.
Hey, look, paper, oh. Is there anything up in the chains above us? Can I hold the glowing sword– Yeah, make a perception check. How many people are messed up right now, out of curiosity? One. Should we rest? Short rest?
Two, three. I wouldn’t object. Three, four. 20 for perception in the chains. Nice. Looking up in the chains, you don’t see anything else other than these, there are racks where some of the chains can be shifted amongst them are probably used to rotate and/or change the location of the various tubes that were once there, and you can see on top of the tubes, there are hooks that are arranged to help maneuver them around. You don’t see anything else up there, other than like a little awkward slime. No as a cocoon, but looks like a space where this creature spent a lot of its time. God knows what madness took it, not able to escape this chamber, and not being able to die. Yeah. He made a home here. Can I break all the canisters? You–
Whoa, oh boy. You shatter all the canisters, and you can see, they’re all variations of a Halas cloned body. A number of them that are cracked or left open and exposed have been left to decay and are mostly just, you know, sloughing skin and bone with bits of fungus that have grown on a human interior of this chamber, whatever spores were available to create the spaces, but they didn’t expand much. Other ones appear to be ones that were still held in fluid that you’ve now left onto the ground as they fall, they are also deceased, their body horribly mutated with like a large jaw across the center of its torso with like a big thick tongue hanging out. A lot of them you can see teeth just growing out of parts of the body, like there’s just, each one has some sort of weird, cancerous mutation to its form. And they look Laughing Handish? They all look like, I mean, there are elements of like the teeth everywhere that remind you of that a little bit. This place is terrible, but horribly exciting. Is everyone all right, is anyone hurt still? I mean, I could use a second. We should probably rest. Jester, are you hurt? No, but I feel bad for Caduceus. I’m a little rough. Anybody else a little rough? I place a hand on Caduceus and I give him one hit point. (laughter) Lay on hands, first time bitches. There you go. (laughter) You give me one hit point? Use that for EMT action. Oh, he’s all good now, I guess we were fine. I think I feel a little better. That was nice, but like–
Thank you. I’m still– Jester, do you need healing? Can you do it anymore? Yeah. Sure, heal me. Are you hurt? Yeah, I mean, I’m a little bit. Wait, you have, how many times can you do that? Well, I mean, that’s a good way, I would keep that, just because if someone, you know, passes out or something, you can just pop them back up in an emergency. That’s a very good point, yeah, all right. Once we’re both inevitably unconscious in front of you. My golem is looking pretty rough. I don’t know how to repair him, do I? There is no repairing him, probably. You could attempt to spend more time back in the previous chambers to try and repair him. But other than that, no idea. Other than that, this is the first time you’ve had a golem, and you’ve not studied much in the way of repairing them. (chuckles) You only just learned how to make one. I could try to mend him. I’m going to use my cantrip and try to mend the golem in little tiny sections. Try to get like his armor back together a little bit. On a superficial level, you do seem to mend some of the elements of the damage how it appears, but because of the nature of being an actual construct, it is still a creature, and not technically just an inanimate object, the Mend spell does not work on it.
Paint caulking. Well he looks prettier. Yeah.
Paste. I’m going to do an investigation check, looking specifically for bananas. Okay.
(laughter) Stupid. Oh, you’re still a big-ass gorilla. I think, let’s see what it’s at. Intelligence?
Yeah. Okay, 12. 12. (grunting) Wandering through, wading through the garbage, the glass shards getting stuck in knuckles and angrily, no bananas. This is frustrating, shit. They have no bananas. (grunting) Nott, is that you? Nott, it is your friend, Fjord. (grunting) Andy Serkis better be watching this. (grunting)
(laughter) Matt, I can’t remember, the other bodies just got splattered all over the floor, are they shades of Halas? Yeah, they’re all different variations of the man you saw in the portrait in that study when you first came in. Like action figures. Can I investigate that far door, just for imagery, cover, the silver one. There are two doors. Yeah, this one at the far end. I don’t want to open it, just to see what it looks like. Okay, you approach and you see what is a dark wooden door, a basic metal, slightly polished iron frame. In the center of the door there is a purple gem that is embedded in it. Maybe about like an inch across. Any sort of defining features of the gem, or just a rough gem, inlaid? It’s a cut gem. It’s not raw.
No symbols? No symbols, nothing like that. There’s a purple gem in this door. I know according to the map, one way leads one step closer to the heart, and the other leads to something probably bad. Well, what does the other door look like? Caleb will go inspect this chamber, try to understand the nature of it. The other one you see is a plain brass door. It’s just a solid brass door, it is featureless, it has, as opposed to like a knob, it just has a handle. (sighs) Boy. Feels like a toss-up, right? I think the one, I mean, if we we’re looking at the map. Is there anything on the desk that would indicate– What about that chest over in the corner there? Anything in that chest? That one, yeah.
Right there? Make an investigation check. While we do this, can I take a short rest? You guys want to take an hour for a short rest? I feel like we should. I’m pretty fucked up. Yeah, so is Caduceus. Okay, you take a short rest. Once you turn back, you’re going to be pretty messed up too. Which that last for an hour, so. Yeah, I do, go ahead. Right. So I’m saying, so taking a short rest, that would vanish by the end of your short rest. I’m sorry, say that again? Your Polymorph would vanish before the end of the short rest. Sure. If you were to keep it the whole time. Caleb is inspecting the gem on that door, to understand the nature of it. Okay, make an arcana check. As far as checking the chest, Jester, looking inside, there isn’t a whole lot in it, it’s only maybe a third full, and in there are these large glass jars of a similar color of liquid as what was inside these large containers as well as a few tools that were used to like, gather and unhook hooks, as well as a few other things that look like implements that were used in manipulation or dissection. I’ll take the liquid. You said it was a large jar? There’s like three of these large jars about that big with the liquid inside of it, yeah. Okay, I’m going to take them. Okay, and fit them all into the haversack? Will they fit? You’re starting to get pretty– Pretty jammed in?
Pretty jammed in there. Just keeping track of your space in there. I’m going to try to stick the heart cluster in one of the jars, if it fits. Okay. You remove the horrible mutated heart cluster and set it inside the jar and close it. It slips in, like a lot of liquid spills out just from displacement as you push it in there. It takes up most of the jar size. Because the jar’s about this tall and about this big around, and that heart cluster takes up that entire space on the inside. Look at this nastiness! (laughter) Would this fit in the bigger bag? Yeah, the jar size actually, technically at that width, would not fit into the haversack’s pouches, it would have to go in the bag of holding. Yeah, I can put it in the, oh, it’s on the edges, you didn’t even wipe it down. What was I going to wipe it off with? Did you have acid somewhere, Beau? Oh, and also, I woulda done a quick Detect Magic as well, just to see if there’s anything in this room that’s pinging. Okay. (shouts) You focus your surroundings. Nothing specifically magical catches your attention in the surroundings beyond the doors. 27 on the door, by the way. 27 on the door? The gem, looking at it, the gem itself is not magical, there’s no magical essence to it. But you can see around the base of the gem, there’s very very faint runes that just say “the sea” in older Draconic. Whoa. The sea.
That’s the Dreadnought. Yeah. What’d you say? That is the Dreadnought. How do you know? I read a lot. We don’t want to go there, right? At least not yet. Not now. All right, brass door. Should we, I mean, look. This place is a fucking madhouse. Should we tie like a restraint around someone before whoever wants to open the brass door does? Just in case it, you know– Does it work like that? I don’t know, just trying to think ahead. We could try it. It’ll probably just drag anybody who’s tied to it together. That’s a fair point. We could try it, though. Okay. I’m going to check out this acid, to see if I can discern its nature, or how potent it is. Sure.
Is it just basic acid? Make an intelligence check. Is this before the rest or after? 12. (talking at once) It’s fairly potent. Rest long enough that it would wear off or you would dispel it at some point. Right, just didn’t know if we’re doing all this business, because you can’t do anything when you’re resting, so I was wondering if we’re doing our business then resting, resting– I’m definitely doing my business in here, because it’s been a while. (laughter) Especially by outside time. That’s like a long time. After reverting to your normal form, you go ahead and check the acid. It is very potent, it is as potent, if not a little more than the stuff that you’re used to using, with any of your acid vials previously. It would do the same as an acid vial. But this particular jar could fill 20 acid vials. Whoa! You know what we haven’t done in this room is look for hidden floor compartments or hidden doors in the wall. We should, we should look for hidden doorways to see if they lead anywhere else. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, let’s check around the room. Can we fan out and sort of search areas of the wall and pull at bricks and– Okay, so who’s helming the search and who’s helping? I’ll try. And Beau, Nott and Beau. All right.
Okay, yeah. Who’s helming? Or are you guys rolling separately? Mm-hmm.
Go for it. Both of you guys roll for investigation check. We should do that, right? Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Oh, but have some Guidance. Fucking get it. Natural 20! Damn, this has been a session, man. Where has this been? Let’s go. They’ve been like (mumbling), I had two, my little Cobalt buddy. I got a 26 or 28, if you allow her a late Guidance. Okay.
Wow. You guys take about 15 or so minutes scanning the entirety of the chamber, looking up against the ceiling, looking around the nearby walls. You feel pretty certain by the end of your search there are no other exits. At the very least, you’ve eliminated that possibility. Okay. The mystery is not there. Oh, not good. If you had just rolled one higher. Not in this chamber. Okay. But other chambers. But other chambers, that would’ve really helped us. It would’ve really helped us, yeah, yeah. Okay. I tie the rope around my waist, if you want to, I can go through. I’ll be right behind you. Try it, open the door. Which one, the–
He brass door. The brass door? Okay. Is this the one to the–
The study. Oh, the study. Oh, it’s locked.
It’s locked. Hey, Nott, this door’s actually locked. Oh, yes.
Is there a keyhole? There no keyhole. Hmm. Caduceus was sniffing that door before, it’s magically locked? The door has a magical aura to it and it is not opening. You were pulling. Try pushing. Caleb walks over to it and touches his hand to it, and there is a very loud knocking sound. (creaks) Door opens. Wow!
Whoa! That’s fucking handy as shit. That was crazy. You just had to knock. That’s fair. You pull the door open. You can see a staircase that descends slightly downward into shadow. Staircase. It’s descending. Should we go? I mean, I think we know where the Dreadnought is. Could send down Frumpkin. We could. Yeah, let’s do that, let’s just in case, what if it’s the Dreadnought waiting at the bottom of the stairs? Okay, so, send Frumpkin down. Okay. Frumpkin passes through the doorway. The minute that Frumpkin steps on the stairs, and you see the stairs slightly begin to curve at like a slight corkscrew angle before they vanish into darkness, and then a moment later, you lose your connection with Frumpkin. Oh, that’s not just a stairwell. It’s a doorway. It’s one of these things that we’ve been through before. Yeah, that is squishy and it’s wobbly inside. Should we all do it together? I step forward. I run after her. (laughs) Both Jester and Fjord vanish into the open– We count to five and then we go. They seem cool with whatever’s over there. Three, I’m going, I go. (laughter) Everybody else go through?
Yes. One by one, you all step through– Caleb hangs back for a second and stares at one of the mangled corpses. The one with the most complete face of Halas that he can find and just stares at it for 10 seconds. Okay. 10 seconds? That’s a long time. And then he goes.
A round of combat. He heads in. The stairway rotates and you start finding yourself instinctually having to readjust because you’re waiting for the gravity to slide off, but it doesn’t, it’s this odd sensation where you have to trust the spiral, and you feel yourself drawn downward towards it as if it was a natural staircase. Seems to spiral three, four, almost 10 times before you hit something dark. There’s no light in here, there’s just now a hard edge of some sort of door right in front of you. It would be Jester, you get the first one, no, because Fjord came first.
Fjord came right after. Yeah, and Fjord came after. So Jester, you’re the first one to get to it, and you feel down and you feel another handle. There’s a door. Should I open it? But even with darkvision you cannot see anything. Like, you can just feel something there. It is magical darkness. Yeah, so even if I tried to (mumbling) with the sword– Don’t do it, I’m right in front of you! You try (mumbling). You feel it invoke, but there’s no light. This is a zone of magical darkness. Well, we’ve got nothing, go for it Jester. It’s pretty dark in here, and we’re just, okay. (laughter) What was that move? I try to open it.
Okay. (laughter) Oh, Fjord, fuck, oh. You push the doorway open. Oh no. Stepping into these chambers, you find a somewhat cramped room with central hardwood floor, a handful of shelves filled with jars of nondescript organic matter placed against the distant wall and the two edges of it, and a massive central roller desk that houses all manner of scattered notes, sketches, small tools of curious utility. There’s a hanging iron chandelier in the center of the chamber above, you outfitted with ever-burning candles, while the bare gray walls of stone loom about 20 feet high over this otherwise simple space. The chamber’s arranged in almost like a battering scenario, like you step into it, and it bends the two points to the right and left side of you and then comes to the center before bowing onto what was almost like a trapezoid-type shape. Are we all in? You guys all eventually saunter in and see the same scenario. What you see as you were approaching in the staircase, the doorway open and the silhouettes of Jester and Fjord pass through what was previously just endless darkness, you not have something to work towards, and you all enter the chamber. The shelves have just jars on them, or is it books and stuff too? As you all step in, there’s a very faint vibrational pattern that just slowly seems to be beating. Some shiny shit. Sourcelessly around you. Caleb is cautiously approaching that desk. Okay. And wants to devour it. Roll–
You’re going to eat the desk. Okay, I know what you mean. All right. Which part did we enter on? Like which wall did we enter? You entered on the southern wall. If you’re looking at like the shape here, you entered from the southern wall, and across from you immediately is the desk and the three shelves there. I feel like we should be really careful in here. One desk? One desk. And three, three what? Three shelves. Three shelves. No windows, no compartments, no– Not–
Just a chandelier. Is it like, the three shelves and a desk, are they arranged in a certain way? That it seems–
I’ll show you a layout. Ooh!
Oh! To help you guys a little bit. Be right back. This is good that we healed up, because “I’ll show you a layout” means you can mess up badly. We’re not fighting anything. Matt’s layout is brought to you by Dwarven Forge. I think I’m doing this wrong. Is there something in there? What’s happening? My head grew. (laughter) Push it down while you’re doing it. There are two candelabras– Dwarvenforge.com. I didn’t think it was possible. And the red carpet in the center of the chamber. That is the layout of the room you’re in. Right. Nott the Brave, will you join me please? At the desk? Yes, I will. I would check for traps on everything. So many. This feels really– Are the whole floors hardwood? The center has it got like a hardwoods element there and some stone on the outer edges. I think me and Caleb just walked across the rug to get to the desk.
You did. Did we die? Caleb, you walk across the center of the chamber, across the red rug towards the desk there. You know better than this. I approach cautiously. And nothing happens. Shut up! You approach the desk, and you can see there are papers and notes. You glance down, they’re all in Zemnian. Ooh. I start to read quickly. I’m going to join him and start looking, looking at the drawer and see if any are locked. Okay, make an investigation check. 20, nope, 18. Okay. The drawers are not locked, and as you open them, on the inside, you can see there’s inkwells, various other bits of chalk. You can see little glass beads, all sort of things that are like simple components, like spell components and elements meant for note keeping, and you would imagine this would be almost like a smaller, not smaller, a smaller, imagine if a powerful mage were to have a temporary study, you know, loosely outfitted. Is the Zemnian contemporary or in more archaic form? A more archaic form of Zemnian. Yeah. It’ll take it a little bit to read through what you find, glancing through, it looks important. You do find out one, some of the notes outline the discovery of a curious simple extra planar chamber said a drift across the planes, then talks about shackling into the tower for study, and goes into the process and the design of what elements of the tower he had planned to manipulate to shackle and bring it to the tower, and a lot of that escapes your understanding. Make an arcana check for me. (whistles) 16. 16, your mind cannot grasp the intricacies of these various designs, but then those notes fade a bit into other pages that speak of the strange horror within this chamber. Horror? Horror, a swollen beating heart without a body, locked within a field of magical energy. Oh, he found it floating around and then combined it on this. Halas’ curiosity got the best of him, and he dispelled the field, only to find the heart emitting a corrosive aura as it summoned fleshy tendrils to defend itself.
Ooh. Fighting the defenses of the heart over time from the safety of his tower, he managed to seal it within a case of runic imprisonment. Then delving into his tomes, Halas found the heart to have probably belonged to a nightmarish entity called the Laughing Hand, cursed to never die by the Crawling King himself. Side notes speak of Halas’ joy in the warring gods keeping themselves distracted, and a lack of interest in the fate of this Laughing Hand one way or the other. He cares not about the strange battles of these divine. Let them stay focused on their middling interests and efforts. You continue to, what’d you roll on your investigation check?
18? 18, okay. Nothing else really catches your attention in the drawers or there on the desk. The next batch of notes you go through talk of how Halas’ experimentation with stolen samples of the heart’s flesh and the regenerative properties of it. He got his cooties. His theories involved siphoning the cursed flesh from the heart and instituting the undying nature of it into a human body. Developing a series of magical clones of himself, Halas hoped to eventually perfect one such clone so that he might claim it and become an eternal master of the arcane without having to resort to the imperfect and troubling process of lichdom. Another batch of notes includes frankly written complaints about failed experiments and the need to jettison failed experiments into the astral sea to make room for another batch. (gasping) Eventually Halas writes on a successfully developed possible vessel, and his need to prepare. His theories then descend into methods of soul transference via customization of a magical jar, and take note of one of his ritual chambers within the Dreadnought. The writings and dates abruptly stop there. I do my best to impart all of that. He has maybe made a perfect version of what we saw back there, and it is past the other door. In the Dreadnought, you said? It could be a thing, like a room or a vessel? It’s a place. Wait, what? The Dreadnought is, I think, an entity or a creature, but we are traveling into different pockets of reality, and I think beyond the door with the purple crystal is the astral sea? Mm-hmm. Oh. Astral. We have the heart. Can I use divine sense and look around the room? Okay. You don’t sense anything that catches your attention via the particular attunement of your consciousness towards these, you know, undead or fiendish creatures. I walk up and just put the point of my sword under the rug, just in case, I don’t trust shit. Okay. It splinters some of the threads. Caleb, what was that last part about the jars? What was the last part about the jars? His theories descended into methods of soul transference via magical jar. So he wanted to perfect– He took note of a ritual chamber in regards to this research that says it was within the Dreadnought.
Yeah. It’s within the Dreadnought.
Yeah. The translation may be imperfect. It is old Zemnian. But that’s the gist of what you get. Look around for another door in here. I remember back to Avantika’s chambers, and I think to myself, rich people always have secret shit. I started looking for loose bricks, hidden floorboards. Sure, make an investigation check. False backs.
False backs. Wait, I’m giving you, I’m going to– Oh, Guidance? Guidance.
Okay. All righty.
That’s a plus d4? I will take that Guidance, because that was shit. Okay. 16. 16. Looking through, you do notice that the wood flooring underneath the desk, if you move the chair out of the way and the floor that’s beneath it, most of the wood pattern goes from the door to the desk, but the square of it underneath the desk is perpendicular to the rest of the wood. Nott.
What’s up? Lazy. Give me that dagger. Give me a banana. (laughter) I don’t… You have a banana? Are you still having that craving? It’s been like 30 minutes. I know, but I was just, it felt so weird to be that big. I was– I’m going to paint a banana with my paint. Okay. You don’t know what it’s, oh, thank you. You’re welcome. (laughter) Wow. Tastes strangely accurate, though it looks a little funny and Saturday morning cartoonish. (laughter) It’s just so weird. Is it like that fake banana flavor, though? Is it like– Yeah, it’s more like Runts banana than an actual legitimate banana. Scratch-n-sniff banana markers? Yeah. (laughter) I’m going to keep the peel for comedy. (laughter) Put that in your inventory. Don’t forget that. You never know. It won’t rot. It won’t rot, because it is magically developed. I’ll move away from the desk. I’m going to back up.
Okay. Are you going to check for traps? Yeah, now that you’ve had your snack, you want to check your traps here? Yes. Make way for the king of the jungle. (laughter) Investigation check. Jungle VIP. (laughter) I don’t think gorillas are the king. I don’t know how it works. I know I’ve just, I’ve reached the top. All right. (laughter) I’m going to investigate the floorboards. Yes.
And that’s a 19. 19, okay. They are not trapped, from what best you can tell. You also don’t see the mechanism of which to lift them. There’s no like handle. Can I see the dagger? Sure. There’s not enough space to wedge it. Look for a button, look for a button, everyone. Good idea.
I’m going to search the desk. Search for–
Hidden compartments– Or a book or something. Yeah, search for a mechanism. Make an investigation check. I’m going to do a quick Detect Magic in here. Can I search for a mechanism too, or a button? Yeah, make an investigation. 18 investigation. Does Detect Magic do anything? Natural 20! Hey.
Nice. Detect Magic, you don’t detect anything specifically magical within this chamber, anymore at least. But like nothing is giving off a glow other than the candles? Other than the maybe the candles and the doorway behind you where you entered, and a faint aura below the floor. There’s a weird bit of magic underneath the floor. The desk you go through and end up following the same paths and searching the same things that Nott did, but nothing initially is found. Jester, as you’re going along the shelves and you see all the various jars of flesh, you can see like a lot of these are bits and slivers of whatever this heart that was referred to in the notes are in different sizes and shapes, and as you approach and flick one, it quivers, and as you listen to that heartbeat sound, you can see faintly each piece pulse with the same rhythm of the heartbeat. Coming cross across them on the, the far shelf behind it, you can see there’s a lantern that’s like very vaguely lit, and you go and start moving across, but the lantern won’t move, it’s like solid in place. You go ahead and grab the top of it and pull, and as it pulls at hinges, and the wood beneath the desk (creaking) opens into a staircase that descends down into shadow. Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight. Should we take these pieces of heart tissue with us? Maybe we can see what hurts it, and then, you know, if we can like burn a little piece of it or cold a little piece of it. Fleshy tendrils, right? Seems like it’ll defend itself. Can you actually do your thing? Hmm? Extract aspects? Oh yeah, extract aspects of the– Didn’t Caleb read that it’s sealed, it’s sealed in something, the heart is now sealed in something, so–
Right, we’re going to have to– Maybe we can open a jar. Or maybe we can just pick it up and take it with us, because it’s– I could try and extract aspects from it, I don’t know. But from one of the little pieces, I mean. The heart is separate than the jar, right? Correct. Yeah, the heart is in a magical plane, but he dispelled the plane, the magical bonds. The jar was sealed in some sort of a magical containment and he dispelled it to study it. The heart was. The heart was, but then realized that it had defense mechanisms, so he resealed it. In runes. Yeah, in like its own containment. The jar is its own– It’s in a thing, it’s in an ark. Little slivers of heart. Can’t take one of these tissue pieces and be like boop? Yeah, see what the tissue, like what will hurt the tissues, and then we’ll know what will hurt the heart, right? All right. Here is a glass vial if you want to put some in it. Well there’s all these little– I will say you would know, from extract aspects, it’s not just like finding a sliver of something, it’s about being able to connect to your ki with whatever entity you’re striking, and a small sliver wouldn’t be enough to draw information about that entire being. Okay. Oh, we need a snack later. There is that. Well, regardless, I’m going in the hole. What’s in this hole? Okay, marching order? Oh, you can go down the hole. Yeah. No, it’s a staircase that descends. Down to the heart. We’re going to the heart. A question about his writing. Was it so old that it seemed pre-Calamity? His conversation initially about the gods busying themselves and the Crawling King leads you to know that there was conversation about deities, but there’s nothing about specifically the Calamity. The only thing you’d know is the study that you guys went to the first time, and it had the large like stained glass interpretation of all of like the inner and outer planes, did not have a divine gate, whereas all modern, similar maps does have a divine gate. However, that is more of an indicator of when it was constructed, you don’t know, you have no sense really of what time has passed here. Yeah, because we know that that same glass window was a pre-Calamity map. Correct. I will light up the sword and I will go into the hole. So Beau, then Fjord? Mm-hmm. Okay. Beau, Fjord.
Get into the hole! Who’s after? I’ll go next. I will go after Nott with– I’ll take a big swig and go down there. With William. ♪ Take a big swig and go in that hole ♪ Wait, we should could maybe– Caduceus and Jester at the back? Okay, sure. ♪ Gonna buy some alcohol ♪ All right. Okay, okay. Tonight’s episode brought to you by alcohol. Alcohol. (laughter) Okay, I’ll put that in here. All righty. Just in case, you know? Just in case, best to split them up. It seems silly having– Both the diamonds be with you. Mm-hmm. Okay. Oh, it’s louder. Oh, that’s disconcerting. You enter a low-lit triangular room of dark red stone. The surfaces glistening with moisture, the humid air of the room smelling strongly of iron. As your eyes focus into the low-lit interior, the corners of your vision almost catch elements of the walls and floors slowly moving, like you’ve eaten something toxic that now alters your mind. A deep heavy thrum reverberates rhythmically throughout the chamber, the source of the sound sitting central to the chamber. Under a shimmering case of arcane reinforced glass lies the swollen beating heart of the Laughing Hand, dangling from its aorta. Numerous glyphs line the containment glass, while much of it is smeared with gore from the inside, elements of flesh collected at its bottom, which appear to have somewhat breached the containment as tendrils of wet, red flesh spiral outward from beneath the Permaheart to encompass the majority of the room. Ooh. Like pulsing tree roots. Nope. I mean, it’s been in here for a long time. The heartbeat intensifies in your presence and a wave of sickening pain sparks into your body. Oh my god. And that’s what we’re going to take a break. (shouting) Shit! ♪ I’m so happy that we’re here ♪ (laughter) We’re in a crazy heart room and the heart’s calling us? Yeah, and I’ll show you the battlefield as it is when we return. However. ♪ Love is a battlefield ♪ We can still talk our way through this. Yeah, yeah, totally. Good rolls, persuasion. I mean, who knows? Let’s do our Wyrmwood giveaway tonight. Just in time for Halloween, if you guys haven’t checked it out yet. we are giving away this awesome coffin dice vault. (cheering) This is the nice wenge, all the different things, I keep mispronouncing. Wing, whatever, I’m so sorry. I know I’ve heard it a million times, but I’ve also messed it up a million times, so I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. But it’s cool, it’s dark wood, it’s awesome. It’s turquoise inlay, it’s now currently available through Wyrmwood’s Kickstarter campaign. It’s most recent one, which is now live, but ends on Halloween, so check it out while you still can. The winner will go to one person in the chat who puts in the keyword, keyword tonight is heart, H-E-A-R-T. Only once, more than once you’ll be disqualified, and once again, US and Canada only, excluding Quebec. Be back here in a few minutes to find out who won. We’ll see you shortly. (upbeat music) ♪ You got the perfect warlock ♪ ♪ Her weapons and supplies ♪ ♪ But you need a place to track your stuff ♪ ♪ Because you’re so disorganized ♪ ♪ You click, open the web page ♪ ♪ You heard about on Critical Role ♪ ♪ And now you’re ready to kick some butt ♪ ♪ In that mineshaft full of gnolls ♪ ♪ It’s D&D, D&D ♪ ♪ Yeah, D&D Beyond ♪ ♪ Yeah D&D, D&D ♪ ♪ Yeah, D&D Beyond ♪ ♪ You got your stats, you’ve got your swords ♪ ♪ And you got your invisible wand ♪ ♪ It’s D&D, D&D ♪ ♪ D&D ♪ ♪ D&D Beyond ♪ (somber music) Our father, we gather here as strangers, brought together by gold, now bound by fate and fear. We remain steadfast in our bodies and in our minds. But this evil we face now meets us ill-prepared. For guidance we ask you now. For protection. Not just for our lives, but for our very souls. Be our light as we enter the darkness. Hey everyone, the insanely talented Will Friedle here. I’m excited to announce that I have a new late night talk show coming to the Critical Role YouTube channel on Wednesdays called Mini Primetime. It’s brought to you by the same creators as that one show with the hippie kid with the bracelets, whatever that is. Anyway, my show, Mini Primetime, is a mini painting show for beginners and veterans alike where this handsome face teaches the Critical Role cast how to paint their own Mighty Nein minis. We’re going to be focusing on specific techniques like fade, small detail work, and taking your mini to the next level by adding to your base. Look forward soon on Critical Role’s YouTube. Critical Role, what is that? What is even a critical role? Oh, that’s right. That was the show with Kash. (upbeat music) Last time on Talks Machina. “Of late, it appears the Mighty Nein’s first instinct “is to run from a fight. “Do they have a confidence problem “or is it a more serious form of PTSD “after their first encounter with the Laughing Hand?” (laughter) Very good question, Boffleslop. Y’all running from shit. I mean, look. I love questions that are insults. (laughter) This is my brand of question. You fuckin’ bitches run at the first sign of trouble. The first half of it is hey cowards. Quick question, cowards. Then the second half is like, are you going to suck like you did that other time you sucked? “With the time difference in the heirloom sphere,” Taliesin also one of my top five, “Traveler Con gets closer and closer. “Are they at all worried about Jester’s cult? “Do you think Jester’s being duped, “or do you trust what she believes in?” It’s a fucking cult, man! It’s happening in a volcano! Everybody’s going to die! There are no illusions! Isn’t it technically on an island now? Didn’t they like– They are giving out little communion glasses full of Kool-Aid. Let’s remember what happened in campaign one. Kill a bunch of people, ascend to godhood. (Dani laughing) What’s funny is she had that– Spoilers. She had that amazing moment where she was like, no, it’s not a cult, I mean, oh shit you guys, I think it’s a cult. It’s time for Cosplay of the Week, my friends. Cosplay of the Week! ♪ Cosplay of the week ♪ Let’s take a look. (Dani giggles) Watch this. Oh my gosh! Shut up. Little Twiggy cosplay. Look how cute! So freaking cute. Oh my goodness. And she’s got Trixie. Are those little apples? Look at her little booties. (Travis laughing) Oh my god. It’s so good. Look at the little squirrel, Brittany would be dying. (Marisha laughing) “Fjord and Caduceus missed Wild’s Grandeur, “the holiday to the Wildmother, while inside the sphere. So you missed the Wildmother’s holiday, because y’all– I know, I’m a good paladin. (Marisha laughing) My iCalendar doesn’t sync in the happy fun ball. (laughter) I swear, Wildmother, we were in a different time zone when I put this appointment in. I’m so sorry. So sorry, I didn’t sync up right. Yep. “After Mica Burton’s fantastic appearance on Pub Draw, “are you hoping that the beginning of Undeadwood “will be enough to save your job as host of Talks?” That’s a good question. I resent you, Alex. I resent you for sure. I feel, you know, I ran into Mica when I was at New York Comic Con. You ran into or followed? (Marisha laughs) “Beau seemed genuinely concerned,” this one’s for you, “about the diadem.” I’m not even going to help you. “About how the diadem would look on her “until she realized she could twist it around. “How is her identity as a person “shaped by the way she presents to the world?” Ooh. That’s actually good, I like that. No detectable, insult found. No, that is insanely deep and profound. In preliminary scanning. I think the way she presents is very important to her, because she was forced to present a different way her entire life, like from her dad and her parents, and just forcing this other identity that she didn’t subscribe to. A lot of that dealt with, you know, the presentation and the outward air that everything is great and fine and you’re the perfect little girl. Someday, if I’m a CEO, I’ll get to dress like I’m settling in to watch Lord of the Rings too. (laughter) That’s what people call that movie. And the first one was so good. (laughter) Director’s cut! “The first one was so good.” (laughter) Oh, shit. Guy seems really funny. Steve is really funny. Oh, hello, Pub Draw enthusiasts. Babs and I just wanted to let you know that right now at shop.critrole.com, you can pick up this beautiful “follow your art heart” pencil case. You can put your art supplies in it. You can put makeup in it. Dice. Anything you want. You name it, it goes in this case. Adorable case. Follow your art heart. (soft electronic music) Last time on Yee-Haw Game Ranch. Ooh! What, oh no, it’s already happening, dude. Oh god. Woo! Ooh! What? Is there anyone there? Ooh! Don’t make contact! Hey, hey, hey ghost, are you lost? Don’t open yourself up! Are you lost, can we help you? Which one of God’s forgotten stepchildren speaks to me? Ooh! You’re getting shit from beyond the grave. I can’t think, nowhere’s safe. My name is Brian. Where are you trying to go? That voice. It sounds so familiar. I feel as if I heard it a long time ago. Wait a second.
Yeah. Travis, that voice sounds familiar to me. There’s no way in hell that’s TN– I feel like I recognized it. Oh, that’s right, you cringe wizard! (Brian and Travis laughing) It’s me, T. N. Tina! And I’m a fuckin’ ghost! Fuck, Tina! Amazing! Tina’s back! Awesome! Yeah, thanks a lot, you little bitches! (Travis and Brian laughing) You both didn’t do anything to stop me from getting my head ripped off. I’d expect that from you, you cowardly waste of unlimited atoms! Oh. Well what have you been up to since you went into the clouds? Well, after I got my fuckin’ head ripped off, I saw a bright light at the end of a long tunnel. I felt my body being pulled, and I began to barrel towards the light, faster and faster, until a huge green aura wiped across my eyes. I had then reached it. Reached it? Reached what? The Gates of Diemore. That’s the place Redbird mentioned back at that shitty-ass jungle. What’s the Diemore again, Tina? The Diemore is the Holy plane that all critters go to when their souls have been released by the oath. Who is oh? You really don’t know shit. (Travis laughing) Oh is the 12th and final maker. What? Now go play the spooky game and don’t forget the prophecy! Oh Tina, Tina, don’t leave us! Tina, don’t leave us! What’s that? It’s a mountain. I’m sweating like Sam when he gets a letter from the IRS. Oh god.
Get in there. Okay. I’m going in. Oh god! Record it, record it. I’m recording! Night vision! Night vision! Oh no, dude, if we have to do this through night vision, I’m not doing it. I thought maybe like a flashlight, but that shit is, I don’t think so, dude. Keep your back to the wall. Something’s shiny on the table. What are you talking about! Something shiny on the table. Touch it, touch it. It’s a confidential file, here we go. This is not so bad. We’re fine. I don’t even want to read it. I don’t care. It might tell us more– I don’t need context, I need to survive. Pro. That’s locked. I’ll try the blocked door. That’s where the dude was, man. (screaming) Fucking shit! I knew it. Fuck! I knew it. Goddamn it, Max. I’ve mastered the art of candy corn chucking. Battery. I know, I see it. Wow, Jerry. I’m on fire. Little pig! (dramatic music) No! What the fuck is that! Oh, I’m going to choke on shit. Fuck that. Everything’s wrong, okay? So something bad definitely happened, the military was brought in, they were taken over by the… (laughter) I will fight Jerry. If you guys are fucking actually planning to make shit in real life fall on my fucking face, I’m going to kill someone, and then you’re fired after you’re dead. Jerry, you better claim that that was you, because if it’s some spiritual shit, I will bamf out of this realm so fast. What just fell down? Don’t fuck around! I’m just looking to see what fell over, dude, I’m fucking terrified. What is happening right now? They’re watching the Game of Thrones finale. This guy’s like, are you fucking serious? I feel like we’re in Sleep No More. This guy’s like, I lost half my face for this? The other guy’s like, I can’t look, man. All right guys, it’s been real, appreciate ya. TV’s on the fuzz. Just enjoyed our programming. Keep it– (screaming) Oh shit! Get them out, please! The doctor is dead! Rip them clean! You have to help me! (laughter) You son of a bitch! Oh god, I keep thinking I see things. I don’t like this one bit. We’re good, we’re good, we’re good. The fact that… (suspenseful music) Run, run! (shouting) Get the fuckin’ light on! (shouting) Do I need to head under the bed? What do I do! Back under the bed? I don’t know, man. (shouting) He’s fuckin’ fast! He’s faster than shit! I don’t know, man, where else can we go? Go back, go back. I’m going to the bed.
Fuck. I’m going under the bed. (shouting) Reload the batteries! I’m trying! (slow dramatic music) (birds chirping) I’m a fan of hot air balloon rides above the Venetian countryside. I’m a fan of Momlan, she’s always got my back. I’m a fan of wine older than Taliesin. I’m a fan of Twitch subscriptions. I’m a fan of emotes by Arsequeef, they’re neat. I’m a fan of a wife so cool, people forget I exist. Exist, exist. (bird cawing) (heart thumping) (explosion booms) (robotic buzzing) (heavy breathing) (baby crying) I’m a fan of wearing your skin is a mask. (dignified classical music) (dramatic music) And welcome back. Before we jump into the latter half of the session, we have our giveaway winner, which is Sperlman19. Sperlman19, congratulations. We’ll go ahead and get this sent to you ASAP and enjoy the special edition Wyrmwood coffin case. Awesome. Guys, over the break, I got a text from Andy Serkis. I’m in. Sweet, good job. I’m Planet of the Apes part four. Congratulations. I’m so proud of you. It’s about me. Eight parter? It’s just me. Eight parter. Just you. Yeah, it’s just me. It’s what we’ve all wanted. It’s me and Andy Serkis and a video, like a cam corder, for two hours. It isn’t just the remake of Smokey and the Bandit that will inevitably be coming? (chuckling) Every Which Way But Loose, but you play the orangutan? (laughter) Anyway. As you guys step into this dark red, flesh lorded chamber with the Permaheart itself sitting in the center, runic symbols placed around the containment glass that seems to have held most of it until it’s begun to spill out and take the chamber for itself. Chains that were once affixed to the glass now broken and now lie loose across the ground. I’m going to go ahead and get the battlefield. (groaning) Oh my god, okay. (sighs) This cardiac arrest brought to you by dwarvenforge.com. Get ready for Halloween with Dwarven Forge’s classic resin restock. I already said this earlier today. Check it out, dwarvenforge.com. Oh god!
Oh no! (shouting) That’s a floor of blood. That is a floor of blood.
Oh jeez. Look at the symbols on it. Ooh, what do we do with the symbols? What are we supposed to do with the symbols! What symbols, where? On the jar. Over the jar! So it is on the surface, it’s not floating. Those were just on the jar that he found in his house. That means raspberry, boysenberry– What are these, what are these? One of them says “The Avengers.” Some of the chains that were holding it, right? Oh, right, there’s chains. But there’s weird little stones. But there’s symbols. There’s like plaques. Do you see them? Are those real chains or are those supposed to be like gross tendrils? [Laura And Taliesin] Those are real chains. I think the tendrils are all over the floor. Caleb is eyeballing every symbol in here. Something you just see, just like elements of like heavy veins and flesh that have rooted themselves into the stone just in the center of the chamber around it. You do see some faint glowing glyphs at each corner of the chamber. However, I need you guys all to roll initiative. (groaning) Already? Oh god, oh god, oh no. (sighs) Hey! I’m going to use my boots. It’s about time. Fuck! Terrible. I’ve got my boots.
Do you have Boots of Haste? No, add to her initiative.
My initiative shit. So bad. So 25 to 20? Oh, 24. 24.
Nice. Jester. Like what am I going to do first? What am I going to do here? 20 to 15? 18. 16. 17. Jester and Cad, the clerics are first. Oh, so you’re before, wait. Beau. She had a 22. You’re 22–
Oh, 22, yes. 17?
17. Caduceus, Nott, Beau. Oh.
Yeah, Nott, Beau. Not Beau. 10 to five. Oh, 14, sorry, I was somewhere else. Oh. Apologies. Two. Ooh. Hold on, so. Wait, what? Yeah. So Caleb is still after Beau? Is your initiative zero? Yep. Oh. Just rolled a big fat two. Jester, you’re up first. We’re in combat? We’re in an initiative round. We’re in initiative order. Okay. Do we feel painful? Does anything– There’s like, as soon as you enter the chamber, almost like walking into a room where the temperature is 40 degrees more than it is, there’s an immediate like, like just a nauseous pulse that hits you with each beat of the heart, like (thumping). It’s like the brown note.
Yeah. (laughter) It’s hard to explain, but what are you doing? (chuckling) Are we not supposed to kill this thing? We are supposed to kill this thing. If we kill it, does the Laughing Hand die? Or can we–
He becomes killable. Ah. Yeah. Much like the troll, right? If we can kill this heart, then he won’t regenerate, I think like the other troll. The Permaheart. How far out do the tendrils go from the heart? Does it all over the floor in the room, or– They’re thicker on the edge, but some of them like spill out into the edges. It’s almost rooted itself in the entire chamber, to some degree. And there’s three weird glowing things in each corner. Correct. Okay, there’s a glowing thing in each corner. Okay, there’s a glowing thing in each corner. So Jester, what are you doing? Caduceus, you’re up next. I’m going to use my action to cast, I’m going to try to cast divine intervention. Okay. Wow. I’m going to try to ask the Traveler to help us figure out what to do with this heart. Okay, go ahead and roll percentile dice for me, please. Come on. Do the impossible. Come on. I know, it’ll be magical! It’s a good call, coming out the gate. Okay. Good dice now, good dice now. Nah, 32. 32. You reach out, but unfortunately, as you speak towards the Traveler to look upon you, the the folded element of this chamber is so deeply embedded into the private network of the towers, various change chambers, that the Traveler cannot hear your call. Okay. Oh no, that makes me feel really uncomfortable that he cannot hear me right now. You still have your movement. I’m going to move over to my left and avoid stepping on any of the tendrils. I’m going to gingerly step over them and get about there. That’s your movement there. Okay, that’s all.
Okay, bonus action? You good? My bonus action, I’m just going to, I’m going to bring up my spiritual weapon. Okay, what level? At fourth level. Fourth level, you got it. Where do you want to place it? Just in front of it, the big group of everyone. Right here?
Yeah. Okay. Do the pillars go all the way to the ceiling? They do. More like floating– The ceiling itself is about 15 feet tall. It’s not extremely high. Like where Beau is, floating like above her head, so that she doesn’t, yeah. Okay, just like around there. You got it. All right, that finishes Jester’s turn, Caduceus, you’re up. I’m going to quickly cast Bless. Okay, on? Fjord, Beau, and Nott. Bless you, sir. What does that mean again? We get plus four to everything? To your attack rolls and– For attacks and saves. Cool. I’m just, yeah, I’m going to stay right where I am for now. You got it. Finishes Caduceus’s go. Nott, you’re up. I will clock to my right. Okay. Maybe over by that pillar, if I can get that far. 30, yeah, 30 feet, you still have five feet of movement, I believe, from the– I can’t hide from this thing, it’s got senses. It can feel everything, right? It’s got like tremor sense or something. Certainly seems like it. So I’m not going to bother hiding. I’ll cast Mage Hand. Okay. Just to have it up in case. Just to have it floating around. Let me find a Mage Hand. Where do you want to cast it? 30 feet towards the thing. All righty. I have it about right there. Great. There’s your Mage Hand.
Mm-hmm. Nott’s turn’s over, Beauregard. I look at Caleb.
Terrible. I know something’s coming. Yeah, something terrible’s going to happen. It’s that part in the horror movie. You going to look at these runes? That was a good call, I was debating on to that too. Can shout some out to me, I’ll look at these, see if any of them match. Actually, Matt, can I put it 15 feet away from me? Sure. There’s like these slabs over here. Hmm. I don’t know, okay. I’m going to come over here and I’m going to look at this tablet. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45. You’re not quite close enough to get a full pass on it. 50. Oh, is it 50? It went up. Right, so yeah, so you can get right up to it. Now you have the glyph, and this is a… Smart. The glyph itself is very intricate. Like you can see, it’s like symbols upon symbols, and there is some sort of an equation and pattern to its construction. If you would like to make an investigation check as your action to attempt to discern it. Guidance. Oh wait, she’s not close enough, I can’t touch her. You’re pretty close, oh. No, you can’t touch her. But you are blessed, but Bless is only attacks and saving throws, that’s right. Go for it. Doing me good, okay, you been doing me good! 25. 25.
Yeah. Smartest kid in the room. Rolled a 17. As you look at this glyph, with your new headband you’ve acquired now woven into your hair– Looking’ real pretty. Your intellect begins to, while you do not have a deep knowledge of the arcane, your pattern recognition is extremely intense. You begin to see where all these different equations begin to match up. While you do not understand the nature of the magic specifically, you begin to take out your staff and find one little spot where it looks like the equation is weakest, and you take your staff and then whack, whack, and then crack the stone where it is, just chip it a little bit, and as it does, goes dark. You watch as the center glass chamber around the heart cracks slightly. We all saw that. Is that good or bad? It’s got to be good, we have to be able to hit it, right? Yeah, we can’t do damage until– Yeah, but it’s on once it’s out, so– It’s probably going to be on before it’s out, it’s just we can’t hurt it till it’s out. Bonus action, anything? Gloat. The glyphs. Think we break the glyphs, we break the jar. Save the cheerleader? Save the cheerleader. Save the world.
Okay. Queen of prom. You just monked this, but at the other monk, who used the TV monk to monk this. Save the cheerleader, end of season one. (chuckling) You can do both monks now. I should. All right. That finis your turn? Yes. All right. Now it is Caleb’s turn, Caleb. I look over at the one on the other side and hold my hand out and cast Dispel Magic on it. Cast Dispel Magic on the glyph across the way? That corner. Over there? Okay. Go ahead and make an intelligence check. (sighs) 16. 16?
Mm-hmm. The spell releases, but the glyph holds strong. Well that’s it. Just hit it, Caleb, that’s what Beau did, just hit it a lot! I don’t think I should just hit anything in this room. That’s the end of my turn. Okay, that finishes your go, are going to send your guy anywhere?
No. Okay. Defend me if anything comes close. Okay. It is now the Permaheart’s turn. (groaning) The aura gets more intense as the rhythmic beat suddenly pulses, and you can feel this wave of necrotic energy slam into your body. Everybody in the room takes… We just take. You just take. We don’t roll. Nope. Just take. Oh, see– Seven points of necrotic damage. Oh fuck. It’s now going to go ahead and use Summon Tendrils. Of course it is.
Summon Tendrils. It doesn’t have to. Well at the start of its turn, one of its protective tendrils appears anywhere within 30 feet of it. Ooh. Oh, it’s like that. Ew. Then Summon Tendrils, so it’s going to summon two more. Is there something on this side that I can’t see? There’s one more glyph. Another glyph.
Oh no. Yeah. There’s a spaghetti next to me. No! Now you watch as these fleshy tendrils that were rooted into the ground suddenly tear loose, rise up, and begin to swirl and writhe in the air, almost like they have a mind of their own, but they all seem to move in unison almost, before breaking away into different actions. One of them is going to go ahead and attempt to lash at you, Fjord. Okay. That’s going to be a 20 to hit? That definitely hits. All right, you take, ooh, 15 points of bludgeoning damage, and you have to make a strength saving throw. With a d4. With a d4, thank you. It’s not great. 15. 15, that’s just what you needed. Oh! As it lashes and begins to wrap around you, you actually reach it, yank it and throw it off of your body, it does not manage to grapple you. Oh, god. One of them attempts to lash you, Nott. (shouts) That’s going to be a 26 to hit? It hits. You take 13 points of bludgeoning damage, and I need you to make a strength saving throw. Can I uncanny dodge that? Kill it, kill it fast. Sure. Six? We got to get it out of the jar so we can burn it. This is a dex save? What is this? This is a strength saving throw. Strength save? That’s not as good. With a d4. Yeah, that’s not going to work. 12. 12, you are grappled. Oh no! Still do everything else, you can use an action to break free, but currently your movement is zero. Against you, Jester. That is going to be a 20 to hit? That hit you?
Jesus. Okay. You take seven points of bludgeoning damage and you need to make a strength saving throw. Come on, beefcake. Okay, that’s a 17. 17. It slashes towards you, it hits you across the shoulder and the chin, and as it tries to wrap around, you take your shield and bash it away. It withdraws, unable to grapple you. That finishes its turn, Fjord, you’re up. Right, it’s right next to me. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I am going to, can I see the glyph on the far wall on the other side of the jar? You cannot see it from where you’re standing, but you heard Beau yell about glyphs, and you could see the ones the right and left of you. I am going to… Actually, make a perception check for me. No, five. Yeah, you don’t specifically see it. All right, I don’t like these tendrils, and I’m not sure if an Eldritch Blast would shatter glyph. I don’t think it’s focused enough, so I’m going to take two attacks with the Star Razor at this tendril. Go for it. Two strikes. A natural 20. Ooh. And 26. Yeah, both hit. Which is dope, so that’s great, so we’ll do the crit first. That’s not great. Four, nine, it’s 13 points of slashing damage. Okay. The second one is, man, not great either. 12 points of slashing damage. 12 points of slashing damage? Yeah. No, that’s enough. You carve through it and the tendril falls into pieces on the ground. Hey.
Okay All right. Just going to keep coming. That’s fine.
Yeah. Yeah, I think they only have three tendrils. That’s how hearts work. With my, wait, do I really want to waste a spell? You still have your movement and your bonus. In sixth grade? Right, I will move, can I try and move over on this side of the jar, as far as my 30 feet will get me? 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 will get you there. Could it get me to like right here? Oh, there? You can get there if you want. Great, yeah. Now you do see the third glyph. Okay. That’ll be my turn. You’ve got it. That finishes Fjord’s go. Now top of the round, Jester, you’re up. Okay. I’m going to bring my spiritual weapon over to start attacking the tendril in front of me. Okay, it can move 20 feet, five, 10, 15, 20, it does get within range to make its strike, go ahead and roll an attack with your spiritual weapon. 16. 16 hits. Oh, sweet! These things don’t have a super high armor class, necessarily.
The tendrils? Tendrils, yeah. Make sure it is. They’re just there to keep us busy. Yeah, I think it’s 2d8 if I cast it at a fourth level. Ooh.
Yeah. Ooh! 15 plus five, 20. 20 points of damage, nice. It slams in the tendril, it recoils, spatters a bit of crimson across the ground, but it’s still holding its position. Okay. Then for my action, I’m going to cast– Looks pretty hurt, though. Oh. I’m going to cast Bless. Well, maybe I should, fuck me running. I’m going to cast, yeah, Bless, on myself, on Caleb, and on Caduceus. Okay. So like everybody’s blessed. Everybody’s blessed. Everybody’s blessed. Awesome. Bless is on attacks and saves? Correct. Anything with an attack roll, anything with a save roll. Also, sorry, Caduceus, I need you to make a constitution saving throw for that Bless, when you take damage at the top of its round. Okay, that’s fair, that’s fair. Oh, right. You hit something to unlock it? Yeah.
You’re fine. 11, yeah, 11. Okay. Flurry of Blows. You going to move or stay put? Oh– She also was able to see an inconsistency or a break in the pattern. I’m going to stay where I am to try to keep this tendril occupied. Okay, you stay put. Caduceus, you’re up, Nott, you’re on deck. Let’s see. I’m going to stay where I am, and just because I’m curious what will happen, I’m going to try a Sacred Flame against the symbol I can see behind Nott. Symbol behind Nott? Okay. (whooshes) No effect. Oh wait, of course, because it’s not a roll. Okay. God, would I have done, yeah, I would’ve done that anyway. You see the flame like burn across the stone. No effect on the glyph. Okay, as my, that was a dumb thing to do. That’s okay, you were seeing. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we were trying to kill these glyphs first, and then like, that’s the thing that actually let us fight it? Yeah, no. No, we got to break the thing holding it. Yeah, I don’t really have anything else I can do, do I? I mean it’s keeping it trapped, right? In the case. The glyphs? These plaques on the side, right? Yeah. Yep, they’re also keeping us from being able to damage it. Yeah, to try to hit the case. I’m going to to stay where I am, then. Okay. Finishes your go Caduceus, Nott, you’re up. You are currently grappled by it. I am not going to attempt to, I’m going to use my action to investigate that glyph. Unfortunately, it’s too far for you to get a good view on it. You’d have to get right up on it, go ahead and give it a proper once over. Oh. All right, well then I’ll break free. Oh, you’re grappled. Or attempt to. Contested strength roll. Hey, that’s good. 19. 14. You manage to free yourself. Yeah! You slip out of it’s grasp. I’ll move over to the glyph, ignoring the attack it will get on me, I’m sure. It does swing at you, as its lashes attempt to take you once more. That is a 12. It misses. You duck underneath as it swings past your head. You make it to the glyph. And I would need an action. You would need an action to attempt to investigate. No bonus. Shit. There’s not much else I can do. Yeah, I guess I’ll just sort of, I don’t know what to do. I’ll bring the Mage Hand over to me. Okay. How far can it move 30 feet? Oh actually, know what I’ll do? I’ll drink a health potion. Go for it. Ooh. Five plus four? Yeah.
Okay. Nine points. Ooh. Pass that on over. Ooh.
Whoa. I got it. All righty. That finishes Nott’s go. Beauregard you’re up, Caleb, you’re on deck. Can you get to the other glyph? There’s one over here? Yep. Five, 10, god. Step on the capillary. Yeah, I want to try and make over there, I’ll Step of the Wind if I have to. Five– Just follow the (mumbling). 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50 gets you there. Step of the wind will get you up to the glyph. Yep, and same thing. Okay, go ahead and make another investigation check. They’re not the same glyphs? They are a separate, they are very different glyphs. I don’t trust you, I don’t trust you, you been doing too good, I’m going to mix it up. Okay, okay, okay, okay. 23. 23. You look at it, the pattern is different from this time. You look at some space that you think might be similar to the previous glyph, you take the staff and chip away at the stone, the connection between them stays the same, no effect. This one’s a little too accurate, or a little too intricate for you. Oh, it’s too intricate, it’s too intricate. I wonder if it’s a higher DC. Fuck. Yeah, it’s like a 25. Oh my god. Maybe. That’s your turn, Beauregard, Caleb, you’re up. How are we going to do this? Does Caleb know the symbols? I see a Beauregard run over there, and I will use up my movement and my action just to get over.
Over to her? To where she went. I hear her cursing on the other side of this giant jar. 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40– To be fair, constantly curses everywhere she goes. (laughter) 60, it takes you all of your movement to dash and get up there, and that’s your turn, you have a bonus action, but. Fuck. (belches) Oh! Nice. That was explosive. That would be a full action to investigate. No, I’m saying you have a bonus action left. Well if you’ll allow me to investigate it, I will. No, it’s an action to investigate, okay. No, I don’t have anything. Okay, cool, that finishes your turn. It is now– Oh, I never rolled for Willy. That’s right. Natural 20. What’s he doing? For willy. That’s where he is in initiative. He’s following me. I’d say put him at your initiative order just to keep it, for this particular scenario. He does take the seven necrotic damage everyone just took. Oh, he’s still up. Hey.
Okay. Oh, little Willy. Actually no, cause he’s not technically a living creature, he does not take it, so.
Yay! I rescind that. He’s standing behind Beauregard and Caleb at this point. Okay. Movement and action to follow. He’s moved up to there. You got it. All right, top of the Permaheart’s turn. The heart swells once again with a heavy beat, the energy wave, emanating out to the entire chamber. Everyone takes four points of necrotic damage. It’s just, it’s not, yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ll see if it gets its– You said eight points? Four.
Four. Summon Tendrils recharges. Oh, we have to roll concentration checks. It goes ahead and– Maintain Bless. Yeah. Summons a tendril there, and then as part of the Summon Tendril ability, only one. It’s going to go ahead and summon a secondary tendril. Ooh. On Caduceus’s space there. Damn, these are gross. They’re all different, these tendrils. (laughter) All of them are going to go ahead and make a strike. This one’s going to move over to here. Big fat earthworms. Oh, they move. Yeah. They slide? They slide? They slither. Ew!
That’s cool. Do they pop up from the ground? Yeah. It’s like, imagine roots of a fleshy tree, dislodging from the ground and then moving around. Fleshy tree? Go to fleshtree.com. Oh!
(groaning) (laughter) I don’t have the URL. But congratulations to whoever does, possibly now if nobody had it before. All right, so, attack against you, Jester. Ooh, that’s going to be at 27 to hit. You take 11 points of bludgeoning damage and make it a strength saving throw. Come on, beefcake. Balls, balls, and balls. With a d4.
Yeah. Strength saving throw.
Correct. Whoa. Ooh.
Wow. Okay, great. Ooh. Nine. Nine, you are grappled by it. I used up–
Oh, 12, 12. It was 12? Yeah, cause you have a plus three for strength, right? No, I think it was nine, I think it was nine. That’s okay. You are grappled by it, it’s wrapped around you, and you can feel it pulsing around you, it’s disgusting. Caduceus, one against you. That is going to be a 11. That, no, and will the Shield of Retribution work here? I’d look at the wording of it. Is it hit or attacked? Creature misses you with a melee attack. So yeah. So you could. Okay, I’m going to blast him with arcane force. Arcane force. Yeah, that’s, stop rolling, there we go. (laughter) Eight, nine, 15 points of force damage. Nice! Then it also has to succeed a strength throw. That’s 12. That’s not a successful saving throw, is it? So it gets pushed 20 feet away from me. Oh, tight! (slurping) I like to think it’s really, really tall in the air. It’s slammed back and hits the pillar and spatters some dripping liquid off of it across the pillar. Hey. This one’s going to attempt to strike you, Nott. Me? That’s going to be a 16 to hit. Hey, it misses. You duck and it strikes across the wall. Then the one that’s going to be attacking you, Caleb. Oh good. Jester, I do need a constitution saving throw to see if you maintain Bless.
Oh, I did one. I didn’t do one. Against Caleb, that is going to be 26 to hit. No, it’s all–
Taliesin? Taliesin is just floating over. 10 points of bludgeoning damage and make a strength saving throw. 10? 10? You’re fine.
Okay. The Bless is four on saves? Yes. Bless is a d4 on saves, yeah? I know, it’s like sausage. (laughter) It’s a natural one. Natural one, you are grappled, my friend. No! You are now held by one of these. It’s now wrapped around your chest and it’s lifted you slightly off the ground, your feet are scraping across the bit of stone and errant flesh below you, and you’re trying to look at the thing in front of you. You’re still close up to it. That finishes its turn. Fjord, you’re up. I’m going to see the tendril attack Jester across the way, and I’ll send one blast of Eldritch Blast towards the tendril, and the second one to the case. Which one, the tendril there? That one.
Okay. Then I’m going to shoot the heart case. Got it. I’m going to save everybody. The first one is a natural 20 against Jester, and the second one is just a flat 20. A flat 20? Okay. The flat 20 misses.
What is that? What?
That’s the case? The case itself is pretty tough. It impacts, and you can see like, impact, and you get the sense it probably can be damaged, it’s just pretty tough. Copy that. However, roll damage for the one against Jester. Oh, did you add a d4 to both those attacks? No. Cause you are blessed. 22? 22 still does not hit. Okay great. That is a seven plus, 12, no, there’s no Hexblade, so 13 points of–
That’s the point. It’s really hard to hit. I hate it. I love it. (laughter) 13 points of force damage. 13 points of force damage. I’m sorry, 15. Yay! You splatter it, like, it’s wrapped around Jester, it explodes across its base element as Jester falls to her feet, the rest of it goes lax onto the ground. Yay! Does it look like the, when I hit the case with the damage, does it look like it absorbs or just bounces off, or any sort of reaction? It looked like it just like glanced. Like you didn’t quite hit at the right angle for the brunt of it to actually impact. I will move 10 feet towards you, just to get away from that tendril. Okay. Get me, that’s fine, that’s fine. Okay. Finishing Fjord’s turn, Jester, you’re up, Caduceus, you’re on deck. Okay. I don’t know what kind of– Can I come up against the ridge, actually? Closer to the heart? Sure, about there?
Yeah, right there. This thing stays up. You can move one more if you wanted to get– Just right up on it, as close as I can get. It does lock in a bunch of concentration. I’m going to go, that’s a bonus action! Will my spiritual weapon get up to the tendril right there? Right there?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I’m going to have it attack that. Go for it. Right. That’s 23 to hit. That definitely hits, go ahead and roll damage. 12 plus five, 17. Yeah, 17. Hey! That tendril gets slammed into the ground and you see it try and recoil and the weapon follows up with a second strike, then it goes limp, no longer moving. Having seen Fjord, ooh, I don’t know. I’m going to, that’s a bonus action, I can’t do that. Oh my god. I’m going to Guiding Bolt the tendril over by Nott. Okay. Actually the one, can I see the one that’s got Caleb? Because he’s actually grappled, huh? You can–
Let me move, I’ll scooch over so that I can get a better visual on it. That would give you a visual where it doesn’t have any cover. Yeah, okay, I’ll do that. Guiding Bolt on that one. Go for it. Thank you for saving me. Sorry, Caleb’s grappled. Wait, oh. 22. That hits, go ahead and roll damage. Okay. It’s 4d6 radiant. (laughter) Eight, nine, 11 points of radiant damage. 11 points of radiant damage. Gets blasted in the side, it burns up the edge of the thicker part of the tendril, you can blackened spot where it’s burned and the radiant energy spirals up before the magic dissipates. It looks wounded, but it’s still standing. Next one has advantage. That’s true. The radiant feel like it really did anything, or did it– No more than it usually does. I don’t have a view anyway. Well, I do have a view, actually. You do, but no more than it usually does. Okay. That brings us to Caduceus’s go. Great. Nott, you’re on deck. That’s good. I’ll do, well, let’s see. I will try a Sacred Flame against the one that’s got Caleb over there. Okay, it’s a dexterity saving throw, you say? Natural 20. Fuck me. Sorry. All right, I’m biding my time. Staying put? I’m going to take a few steps forward and to the left. To the left, so like here? Yeah, just so I can stay within some range of some people. Okay. If they need healing, I can start doing that. That’ll work. That finishes Caduceus too. Nott you’re up, Beau, you’re on deck. I’m going to investigate the glyph! Go for it, roll an investigation check. Come on! Come on!
Natural 20. 22. Oh wait, I get things, right? Not for that. Not for ability checks. Yeah.
22. You look at it and look over it, and you’re like, you’ve looked over at Caleb’s notes occasionally, he knows stuff like this, you should be able to figure something out, and you can see some connections, but it’s too confusing, your brain started hurting even trying to figure it out. I have Enhance Abilities. I’ll drink some alcohol. Okay. I’ll give you bonus action swig, sure. Sure. (laughter) Does that make you smarter? Maybe. You going to stay put? Maybe. I mean, I can’t keep trying that, can I? It’s an action to try, but you can keep, possibly try next round if you want to. Okay, then I will stay put. All right, finishing your turn. Beauregard, you’re up, Caleb, you’re on deck. Okay, I see Caleb run over over my shoulder, and I go, I started feeling like I was getting a lead, and then I feel like I’m missing it. I was trying to hit this one, but it’s not right. And I can I use the help action to help him on his next roll? If you use your action to help him, yes you can, because you guys are right by each other. And try and sudoku the fuck out of this. (laughter)
Yeah, yeah. You guys can do exactly that. Me too! You spend your action, and you’d have to stay put. Yes. At the end of your turn, but when it comes to his round, he will get advantage on his check. Yeah.
Okay. Do I have a bonus action? You have a bonus action. (vocalizing) No, I’ll just wait. Okay.
That’s it. All right. Caleb, you’re up. Come on. Willy, help me out. The golem starts beating the shit out of the tentacle that’s on me. Go for it. Okay. Where there’s a Willy. There’s a way. (laughter) That is a 25 to hit. That hits. For the first, and the second is higher, so that is, 2d6 plus three. First does five and the second does 10, so 15 total. 10, that’ll do it. Yeah! Your golem turns around and just punches it once, it recoils and you feel yourself thrashed around. It grabs with the other hand and then just splits it in half, and you’re released back onto the ground and you are no longer grappled. Somehow I don’t slip and fall on my ass and I just start examining and looking where Beauregard’s hand is tracing on the wall. Need to make an arcana check with advantage because she is helping you. Or investigation, your choice. Investigation or arcana.
With advantage, right? I’ll do investigation. Are we getting splattered with gore every time we kill one of these tentacles? Yeah, it’s pretty– Do we look like the blood dance in Blade, the first Blade movie? You guys look like you’re like hitting the second or third act of Descent. 24, 24. 24. (grunts) You can see where it connects and you can see where all these, you now see the overall equation where all these come together to help define, you can discern that all of these are attached to hold this protective element. You get the sense, it can be physically destroyed through brute force. Oh, the glyphs. Well not the glyphs, the actual, the containment unit, but the glyphs are another way of disabling it, but you’re uncertain how to disable this one. That finishes your turn. It’s now the Permaheart’s turn. Oh god, no! Everybody suffers six points of necrotic damage throughout the chamber. I don’t like it. It re-summons one tendril, this tendril’s going to go ahead and appear here. What’s the melee range on those tentacles? 10 or 15? That’s to see if it, yeah, it gets its Summon Tendrils back, that’s doing well. It summons back– Don’t you grin. (laughter) Don’t you be happy. Don’t you be happy.
Only one, only one. Only one. This one’s going to go ahead and– But this tendril has five heads. It’s going to attack against, they do have a range of 10 feet, you’ve noticed now. So even that far away, they (whooshes). That’s one against you, Nott. (shouts) Natural 20. No! Hits. I’m not within 30 feet of that. You are not. Okay, nevermind. That is 15 points of bludgeoning damage. I will half that to seven. Okay, so you take seven. There is an attack against you, Caduceus. Is it grappling me now, or? Yes, you are grappled.
Dammit! Oh wait, you have to do a strength saving throw. I’m sorry, yes, make a strength saving throw. Plus four. Plus a d4.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that helped. 16. 16’s enough.
Hey! You are not grappled. Caduceus, that is a 28 to hit. Oh yeah, that hits. You suffer nine points of bludgeoning damage. Need you to make a constitution saving throw with advantage. ♪ Balls and balls and balls ♪ ♪ So many balls ♪ 18. Yeah, you’re fine. However, do make a strength saving throw for me. As it attempts to grapple you within its tentacled grip. Nine. Nope, you are grappled by the tentacle now. It’s wrapped around you and holding you there, and other one’s going to make stretch against you, Caleb. That is going to be a 21 to hit. Hits.
All right. You suffer 12 points of bludgeoning damage, and make a strength saving throw for me. Okay. This is all just to get the heart open. Yep. Well maybe once we get it open, we can just like kill the heart. Yeah, one shot, it has two hit points. Both Caduceus and Caleb are both grappled by tendrils in the space, ending their turn, Fjord, you’re up. Tendrils in space.
There you go. Great porn. (laughter) I am going to move to, no, I’m going to do an Eldritch Blast against–
Uh-uh? Not great. He’s got a potion or something, he’ll be fine. I’m going to do, (groans). He’ll be fine. How are you doing? He’s got Lay on Hands, he’ll be fine. Not great.
Four more hit points. I’m going to send both Eldritch Blasts at the, I’ll send the first Eldritch Blast at the tentacle nearest Caleb. Okay, go ahead and roll for an attack on that one. Add a d4. Oh, thank you. 20.
That hits. Okay. That’s 14 points of force damage. 14 points of force damage, nice. Gets slammed, it’s still holding its current form and clutching Caleb within its wrapped tentacle. I will send the second blast towards the one at Caduceus. Okay, go ahead and roll an attack on that one. 25. That hits, go ahead and roll damage. (mumbling) 16 points of force damage. Blasts into that one, that one also, both looking fairly wounded, but still holding on to their current targets. Yeah, yeah. It’s not, they have more than 15. They have more than 15.
Yeah. Shit, okay. Stay put, or? Did you say stay porn? Stay porn, yeah, I’m going to stay put. Stay porny, guys. (laughter) www.fleshtree.com. (groaning and laughing) Is it porn stay? I’ll stay put. All right.
No bonus action. All right. Finishes Caleb’s turn, sorry, Fjord’s turn, Jester, you’re up, Caduceus, you’re on deck. Oh god. Happy Arbor Day. Okay. Go fuck a tree. (laughter) Can my lollipop get up to the cage? The cage?
Yeah. Yeah, it can get there. Yeah, it’s going to try and attack it. Go for it, roll for an attack. 23.
Plus four. Plus four.
D4. Yes. 26. That does hit.
Ooh. Go ahead and roll damage. What are you attacking? With my serrated lollipop I’m attacking the thing holding the heart. Nine plus five is 14 points. 14 points. Of lollipop damage. It slams into the outside of the glass arcane containment, you watch as it hits, all the glyphs flash for a second and a tiny crack builds at the point of impact. Okay, okay.
It’s taking damage. Okay. Oh, I got to wait on this thing! Okay. I’m also going to cast, Jesus. Going to cast Jesus? I’m going to cast Jesus.
(laughter) I’m going to use–
Peace and love. Sacred Flame at–
Hi. The one attacking Caleb again. Okay. That’s a dexterity saving throw? 13. Misses, so I mean, I hit it. Yes, you do.
It doesn’t save. You do hit. Oh, fuck you. Three points of radiant damage. Three points of radiant damage. It burns up its side, it hurts more, but it’s still standing. Fuck, sorry, I didn’t know which ones that you got, Fjord. I thought that was one of the ones you got. He got Caleb’s and Caduceus’s. He did, it was just not–
Oh, still? Fuck. That finishes your go, Jester? I mean, oh, I’m going to move. Yeah, where you going to move? I’m going to get closer to Beau and Caleb. 25, 30, you can get up to there. Okay. Okay, that finishes your go. Caduceus, you’re up, Nott, you’re on deck. Okay. I’m going to try to use my Staff of Withering to hit the one that’s holding me, can I do? You can if you want to, yeah. I’m not going to do necrotic damage, though, because I don’t trust that it’s going to actually hurt this guy. It’s driving me mad. I know it’s really hard to pay attention. A telltale heart. (blowing raspberry) It really is making me feel like I’ve got to poop. (laughter) 17 to hit? I’m sorry. You want me to turn it off? Is it like your colon is pulsing? Yeah. Do you want me to turn it off, is it making you uncomfortable?
No. No way, you got to leave it on. Okay, all right. It’s supposed to make us uncomfortable. 17 to hit? 17 to hit to, yeah, that hit him. Okay. Oh wait, wait, is this with your staff, your melee staff?
Yeah. You’re not within melee range. I’m not with, oh, so nevermind. It’s holding you at a 10-foot distance. All right, so that’s fine, I will do something else then. Sorry. Oh, so you can’t hit like the part that’s like holding onto him? Right now, as it’s holding out of the way, and he can’t quite– I’m going to try Sacred Flame, then. Okay, dexterity check. That is going to be a 12. That misses. Go ahead and roll. (groans) Okay, where did my d8s go, there they are. 15, 20 points of, of radiant damage. The tentacle burns away, drawing to the ground, darkening its form as it is left a cindering extension of the Permaheart. Then can I still cast a spell as a bonus action? Since that was technically a cantrip? Yeah, you can. I’m going to do a Mass Healing, should I do Mass Healing Word or should I– Watch those arms, watch those arms! Khan! Well, the thing is, if I hit everyone with a Mass Cure Wounds–
Oh, but– I can’t get everybody though there. We’ll just get– Oh, well I would do Mass Cure Wounds, honestly. Well, I’ll do Mass Healing Word. Okay. Mass Healing Word– You can’t quite see Caleb, you’d have to move a bit to probably get a view of everybody. At, I don’t think, I think it’s just 60 feet in any direction, right? Any direction? It doesn’t say you have to see them? I will get there in a second. I’m looking. Yeah, “see within range,” so just, you can shimmy and see Caleb too. Okay, I’ll shimmy. Slight movement, you can move there and you can see everybody. Okay. Okay. I’m actually, I mean, yeah, I’ll do it there. Where’s my Mass Healing Word? I’m so sorry, I’m so– That’s okay, it’s right here. It’s okay. And Nott, you’re up next. Mass Healing Word, third level? Thank you. That’s going to be… That’s not a lot of healing, but everyone gets, oh! That’s good. Nine points of healing to everybody. Everyone heals nine points. Amazing, that’s great.
Including me? Including you. There’s not a range of something? 60 feet. Nott’s just out of range. Okay, because I moved that– I could say, if you wanted to, you could’ve moved over here with your full movement, I’ll allow that. Nine, you said nine points? Nine points. Oh, that’s great. That’s glorious. Okay.
You can see– That’s a whole round of pulse damage. I’m up to half, guys. Get you about there.
There, that’ll do. Also, we should take into account that with all the glyphs on the cover, if we break the cover, that necrotic pulse might be, I don’t know–
Real bad? Regardless, Caduceus, your turn’s over, Nott, you’re up. You can do this, you’re so smart, your investigation is so high. I’m going to take out my magnifying glass and look again. (laughter)
Yeah. Go ahead and make an investigation or arcana check. Trying to get over there. 25
Yeah! 25. As you’re staring at this, you can see the parts you were missing of the pattern last round, and you pull out your dagger of denial and get in there and begin to carve through and deface the glyph in the one spot where you see it’s weakest. As you do, you watch the energy cycle of it break. The glyph goes dark, and the glass container, the glyphs flash, and then darken even further. Nott did it, Nott got one of the glyphs! I did it, I’m smarter than Beau and Caleb put together! (laughter) I got the first one, you dipshit. (laughter) Wait, is Caleb the dumbest one now? Ooh! Girl power! Girl power! Bonus action disengage, run all the way towards Caleb. (laughter) Clustering. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30– We should cluster right now. You have your movement too, if you want to get closer. If we get in there, we need everybody, I mean– No, I bonus action disengaged. Oh, got you, right, right, sorry. So yeah, you’re good. That ends your turn, Beau, you’re up, Caleb, you’re on deck. Okay. Can I help him again? Yeah. I’m going to, okay, here’s actually what I want to do. Can I be like sorry, excuse me, sorry, sorry, and move here. Sure. You have to be right up against it to help him. You can move back and use your action, if you want to. But in order for you to help him, you both have to be right up against the glyph– Am I not right against him? I can’t see from this angle, so bear with me. Right, the glyph is in the middle, the only way you can reach it is by having any of the spaces that Caleb and you previously had. That’s the only way to be able to help him with this. Nevermind. I will hold my action to help– Or use your action to help him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, you got it. Caleb, you’re up. I believe in you, Caleb. Investigation or arcana if you’re going to do this. Jester, I need you. I’m going to hold my action and wait and hope that she guides me. I think Caduceus was actually doing that too. I’ve got to get there. He’s got to touch me. Jester’s next. Anyway, I just said what I said. Okay. Okay.
I’m holding. You’re holding your action to investigate with Beau’s help once Jester gets to you. All right. Ending your turn, it is now the Permaheart’s turn. Everybody in the chamber suffers six points of necrotic damage as the wave arcs out once more with the beat of the heart. The poop gets closer. It does summon one tendril, which is going to be right there, and then it’s going to see if it, it fails to recharge it, Summon Tendrils ability, so that’s what the tendril gets out this turn. This one’s going to go ahead and move. Can get there and then be within range of both Caduceus and– Stupid little Mage Hand is just sitting there. Yeah, it wasn’t very useful this fight, but it’s there. Wait, am I held in a tentacle now? Yeah, you’re still grappled. Yeah. You’re like holding hands up against it. (laughter) Just waiting like– Just looking at it. I’m just like, come on, focus. Come on, we got to solve this puzzle. That’s an attack, it’s going to attack you, as it currently has you held, one’s going to be attacking you, Jester, and one’s going to be attacking Caduceus again. The Mage Hand’s gone, by the way. Oh. I got hit so many times. Oh, I’m going to tell Willy to do something too. Sure.
Sorry. Yeah. Light them up, pretty. And Willy is going to walk around to that side of that tentacle. All right. A straight line here to here he’s going to belch lightning through these two tentacles. Okay. You watch Willy walk around to the side, grab and open the central part of the chest, this bright blue light begins to crackle, and then a beam of lightning is firing out of Willy’s chest. What? What’s the save on that? It’s a 14 Dex. 14 Dex. Okay. I’ll say, okay, since the order got a little weird here, I’ll say because you moved Willy over there, had him hold his action, do the lightning when the other tendril went up, sure. Oh. Because he was a little out of order. We could just do one.
That’s fine. I don’t want to. Go ahead and roll damage, and it’s a dexterity saving throw. Oof. 12, 15–
Eight, and 17. 31. 31, so eight and 17, what’s the DC on it? 14. 14, so this is a failure. That one is incinerated by the bolt of lightning, you are no longer grappled, Caleb. Nice!
Yay! This one does take half damage. 15? Which is 15 points lightning damage, but it’s still standing. All right, so that finishes his go. That’s only an attack against Caduceus, and Jester against Caduceus. That is going to be a 14 to hit. Nope.
Misses, and against Jester, that is going to be a 23 to hit.
Yep, yep, yep. You take 13 points of bludgeoning damage. I need you to make a strength saving throw. With a d4. Come on, come on, strong girl. (groaning) Be mighty. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 10. You are grappled. Sorry Caleb. Does that ruin his action completely, or does he get to take it even though I don’t get to him? I guess in seeing that you can’t get there, I’d allow him to use it at that point. Okay. Investigation or arcana, your choice. Investigation.
Okay. They’re equal.
With advantage. That one’s cocked.
Ah. What is it, a six or a nine? It’s cocked. Can you put a die on it? No. It’s exactly equal, there’s a razor edge facing up. Okay. Go ahead and roll it again. 24. (laughter) 24. It’s still eluding you. It’s right on the cusp. You’re like, you can see it, that final little moment, that final little element of it, you can’t quite discern. I’ll throw him my magnifying glass! All right.
I needed Jester. Sorry.
Fjord, your turn. Yeah. (sighs) I’m going to wail away with the glowing Star Razor at the cage holding the heart. Go for it. Okay. Ugh. One of those is a 13.
Misses. Oh, well yeah, it doesn’t matter the d4, 14. The second one is monstrous. That’s a 30, 33. 33, that definitely hits, go ahead and roll damage. Eight, 15. 17 points of slashing damage. 17 points of slashing damage. The first one just spins across it, a bit of the glass streaking a bit, but no actual damage, you strike across the second time, and as you cut, use the glass– Ooh. Breaking a little bit, a little crack spider around the side. It’s taken some hits. I’m within the melee range of that tentacle, right? You are. I will stay put. All right, finishing Fjord’s go, Jester, you’re up, Caduceus, you’re on deck. Okay. I’m going to use, jeez. I’m running out of spells here. There’s no breaks in the cage surrounding the heart, right, there’s no open sections? No. That might kill you. It’s gone through the ground and then come up. I know, it’s just if I want to keep attacking the thingy. Okay, yeah, I’m going to use my spiritual weapon against the tendril holding onto me. Go for it. To me. 23. Plus a d4, because you are blessed. Four, so 27. 27 hits. Oh, and do make a constitution saving throw for me, by the way, just to make sure you maintain– Make a constitution saving throw for me. Yeah, you’re fine.
Yay! So Bless is maintained.
That’s good. So you do hit with it. 12 plus five, 17. 17 points of damage, nice. This one already took lightning damage, too. Oh, that’s true. Well no, this is against the– Oh no, it’s against the trendril. Oh, this is the tendril, nevermind. I know, sorry. No worries. Against that one there.
Yeah. Move over, strikes it. That one is splattered onto the ground. Free to move. The serrated lollipop. Is that a bonus action? That was a bonus action. Yep. So yeah, for my, oof. For my action, I’m going to run over and cast Bless on… Bless? No, Guidance, I’m going to cast Guidance. On Caleb. I’m going to drop, it’s a concentration, so I’ll drop Bless on everybody that I cast it on. Which was? Me, Caduceus, and Caleb, actually. Figure it doesn’t help with this, so. Yeah. All right, Bless fails. All right. I mean, that’s the best thing we can do, really. Caduceus, you’re up, Nott, you’re on deck. I’m going to attack the tendril behind me with a… Third time’s the charm. It probably would have if I had– I’m going to attack the tendril behind me with a Sacred Flame. All righty. Natural 20 on the savings throw. Ooh. I don’t like you.
Sorry. (laughter) He didn’t mean it. I can see everybody right now, can’t I? Yeah. I’m just going to heal everybody again. Another Mass Healing Word? I’m going to do another Mass Healing Word. Go for it. Get an anxiety attack with heartbeat. That’s nine more points of healing to everybody. Nice.
Nine points to everybody. That’s good. Oh, that’s great, this is good, this is good. It feels like if we stay in this fight long enough, we’re going to be back to full health. (laughter) Caduceus, that finish your turn? Yeah, I’m just going to just keep an eye on that bloody thing, yeah. All right, Nott, you’re up, Beau, you’re on deck. I’m up?
Yeah. I’ll run over to Caleb. (whispering) Take out my magnifying glass, and I will investigate the glyph. Unfortunately, you are not close enough, they were both taking up the space that is directly adjacent to it.
Okay. They’re up against it, you cannot do it yourself, unless one of them moves. Can you hand it to him? I will hand you the magnifying glass. (laughter) And I will– I’ll say that’s just an object to use, it’s for free. I can’t also help him. It doesn’t give him a double advantage. He’s already, unless you want– You can shoot the fucking thing, yeah. What’s the magnifying glass do? It looks cool.
Nothing. Oh. Shoot the glass. It’s a good luck charm. I’ll spin around and I’ll, should I shoot the tendril or the glass? Shoot the fucking glass, I think, either way. Is the tendril engaged? Yes.
Technically. The tentacle right now is not, it doesn’t grappled anybody, but it is in combat with both Caduceus within range. Okay, I will attack the tendril. Go for it. Not great, 18. 18 hits. Sneak attack damage! Does not get sneaky attacks because nobody’s adjacent to it. Crazy roll. That was such a good roll.
I know. Then it’s just eight points of damage. All right. It takes the bolt, still standing, little wounded. Bonus action attack it again. 28 to hit. That hits, roll damage a second time. Another eight points a damage. Looking more wounded. Even after, oh, that’s right, I didn’t hurt it. Yeah, didn’t hurt it. All right, does that finish your turn Nott? Yes. All right, Beauregard you’re up, Caleb, you’re on deck. God dammit, we’re so fucking close, we’ve gotten this wrong three times. Okay, it’s not that glyph, and it’s not that glyph, it’s got to be that one, try it again! We’re just in Vegas pulling that slot machine. Yep, yep. That your turn? I’m helping Caleb, I see that Jester has given him a Guidance. All right, Caleb. Use the magnifying glass! Caleb, your turn. I looked through the magnifying glass and inspect the glyph. (sighs) That’s cocked, but it’s more of a two. I’ll take the two. I’ll take the two, it’s more of a two. That’s a three, no, that’s a five. Plus three, that’s seven. Holy shit. (groans) You were holding it backwards! (laughter) It’s the other side! This is the wrong way, the dice are telling us, let’s just fucking hit the glass! They can do that and the rest of us can– That’s your action, Caleb, you have movement, or you want to stay there? I’m going to stay, but I tell Willy to beat the shit out of the glass. All right. How long does Guidance last? One round. Just one round? Yeah, that’s a one timer. Yep. That’s a 21 and a 22 to hit. Both miss. Both miss on the glass? Well it impacts, but they’re not actually doing any damage to it. Okay. All right, that finishes your go. Permaheart’s turn. Everyone takes six points of necrotic damage. Six points. Swap in, swap in. That’s a lot of sixes. Almost triple sixes.
Six points. All right. Was there something you’re missing? Okay. No, we’re just brainstorming. Okay. All right, so, everyone takes damage from that. It does summon one additional tentacle. This one’s going to go ahead and– Oh no. Appear there. Nope. Let’s see if it restores its Summon Tendrils. It does not. Both of those, one of them is going to make, actually no, both of them are going to make attacks against Caduceus. Why?
Why? He’s so nice. Because he’s the one who’s healing everybody. He’s secretly a dick. 14. And 18. 18 is my AC. So it just hits you. That is nine, 12 points of bludgeoning damage. Gross. I need you to go ahead and make a strength saving throw for me. Oh no, and I dropped my Bless, I’m so sorry. Caleb made me do it, and it was absolutely worthless. Well, could have been really helpful. (laughter) Okay. Strength saving throw?
Mm-hmm. Anything could happen, but it doesn’t. You are grappled, Caduceus. Oh, not again. It wraps in as the one down here is the one that got you, so you’re currently held back that way. Someone that’s actually hurt enough that I can– Finishing its go, Fjord, you’re up, with Jester on deck. I will turn to face the tentacle that has ensnared Caduceus and I will take the first strike with the Star Razor at it. All right, so you move in here. I do.
Melee. Stupid puzzle. Puzzles are stupid and Matt’s stupid too! 19, 20, 21 to hit. That hits, go ahead and roll damage. Our Matt is stupid, stupid. Sorry guys. (laughter) 17 points of slashing damage. You cut Caduceus free right as it wraps and pulls him up into the air, you immediately turn around and the first hidden carves through. Amazing. Can I use the rest of my distance? Sorry, speed to go to the other tentacle? You can. And (babbling). You may. That’s a 23. That hits.
Okay. Roll damage. Paladin, warlock, paladin. 12 plus two is 15 points of slashing damage. 15 points of slashing damage, nice. You carve through it, it’s already looking very hurt. It turns around to look in your direction. That finishes your turn, Jester you’re up, Caduceus you’re on deck. Spiritual serrated lollipop hitting the glass case around the heart! Okay. Some crazy sounds. If you want to, actually no, currently it’s considered flanked by Fjord, but it won’t do much because it’s just a case. Anyway, it’s just a roll. Okay, well, it’s a 29 29 hits, you can go ahead and roll damage. 10 points. 10 points of damage. It cracks even further, you can see it it’s looking pretty, pretty damaged. Pretty damaged, and did it seem like when Fjord used his Eldritch Blast on it, did it seem like it did anything to it? His attack on it was just a glancing blow, like it wasn’t a full-on impact. Okay, then I’m going to cast Dawn. What? What? Dawn? Dawn?
Dawn. Dong? D-A-W-N? I’m going to cast Dong. Dawn. Okay. It is a 30 foot radius cylinder. Okay. We’ll say it is actually quite larger than this. Okay, yah, I’m going to get the heart in there, like right there, yeah. Okay, so this entire side of the room is just suddenly engulfed with? Radiant sunlight. This column of bright, like the brightest light you’ve ever seen, suddenly fills the right side of the chamber. What does it do? It does for 4d10 radiant damage on anything inside of it. Okay. What’s the saving throw? Constitution of 17. For half? Yes.
Okay. It automatically succeeds in it saving throw, as is the effect of this dome. This protective point. So it does take half damage. Okay.
I believe. The spell says for a successful save? 4d10. 10, 20.
It says half, yeah. So 10 points of radiant damage. So 10 points of radiant damage, all righty. As it blasts into it, you can see where it leaves behind, some of the glyphs start sparking a bit. It’s looking damaged. Does that finish your turn? Yes. Caduceus, you’re you, Nott, you’re on deck. Break the glass. Yeah, so nobody go inside of it. I’m going to take a Sacred Flame to the bloody tentacle. Okay. The bloody tentacle. That it’s going to be a 14? (laughter) Hey! 18. Burned. For the first time since the battle began, there are no tendrils on the battlefield. That cylinder stays up for a minute, by the way. Oh, it stays up? Does it just like, continue to damage, or it’s just bright? It continues to damage anything that’s inside of it. Round after round after round? For a full minute. And you can move it, I think. Yes.
What level is that? It’s fifth. Fifth level. Yeah, it’s an FU. Oh yeah. Damn. Okay. Does that hurt us if we walk in it? Yes.
Yeah. Good, good. Any creature in it. You should try it. A creature must also make the save whenever it ends its turn in the cylinder. Wow, yeah. We’re just going to say, for the purposes of this– Oh, when it ends its turn, oh yeah. We’ll put this up here as a reminder, but it’s really just this whole area here. Okay. Let’s do one more Mass Healing Word. Hey! One more. Let’s get the one more crazy healing word, and that’s, my god, again, nine more points of healing to everybody. I rolled another four on a d4. That’s amazing, man. Good on you. It’s going. It’s the golden snitch all over again. All righty. That finishes Caduceus’s go? Yeah, I’m going to also head a little bit closer to my, I’m going to head a little bit closer to the group to the right. Like 10 feet, 15 feet? Yeah, there. Okay. That finishes your go. Nott, you’re up, Beau, you’re on deck. I snatched the magnifying glass back. I say I’ll show you how to do it, and I hold my turn. What? I will hold until I’m helped. Okay, you’re not close enough to the glyph– I will move to it. Can I, okay, okay. I’m going to go next, so I’m go. I don’t know if we can like– Do a movement shift. Do a movie shift here? A little tradesies on, you know, Three Stoogey and the kind of– If you hold your action, you can spend your action to move out of the way to let him in I’ll allow it, otherwise you guys have to work out, because right now you’re both blocking the view to it. Just go and hit the glass, just go and hit the glass, Beau. That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to get out, but I can’t get out of the way, and it’s Nott’s turn and I’m next, but I want to go hit the glass. You should try and get out of the way. Right, so for Nott’s turn, currently, there’s no– You can’t switch. Yeah, you can’t switch with him. Because the order of operations here. So just hit the glass. Fucked by initiative. Fucked by initiative. Okay. I will, I can’t help Caleb until she moves. So hit the glass. And I can’t move after she moves. Put some on the glass. Can’t move if your turn’s already done, unless you hold your action to move. Hit the glass. Investigation. But then you, oh. Okay, then I’ll just turn the magnifying glass around and I’ll shoot the the thing. Go for it.
With my crossbow. Yeah. 12. 12. Ricochets off it. Bonus action shoot again.
Go for it. 23. 23. Wait, I am blessed. You are, yeah. 24?
24 just hits. (cheering) Good to know, good to know. 24, and 25 for the glyphs, fuck, dude. Okay. Go ahead and roll damage. Do you get sneak attack on the glass? No, probably not. 11 points of damage. All right. The actual bolt sticks into it and you can see the glass around it crack and spider web outward a bit. Finishing your go, Beau, you’re up. Beau, you’re up. Either way. Either way. Get it, yeah, go. Do it, just do it. (groaning) I’m going to move out of the way and go over and start smashing on the thing. Go for it. Not in the ring. (all talking at once) Fuck. Pop pop.
With a d4. With a–
Oof. Nope. What is it? Okay, well, one can maybe make, it if I roll a four. 24. Wait, 24! 24 hits, just exactly.
Yes. Punch it. Huh. I’m going to use my, no, I’m going to use my fist. Okay. Nine damage? Nine damage. All right, so one fist glances off, the second one, the glass glass chamber cracks in a little bit. Did that do lighting damage because it’s your lightning gloves? No. I got to activate them. You still have your bonus action. You can see it’s cracking on all sides a little bit now. It’s looking pretty damaged. Pretty damaged, it’s looking pretty damaged Okay, all right. Flurry of Blows. Yeah! Go for it. Oh wait, that should’ve gone. Okay, wait, wait. So two more strikes. Yes, yes, okay. Dos mas strikes. Pop pop. Okay, one is 26. 26 hits. Nine damage, and then the other one, I can’t make. Even with a four? Nope. All right. Miss. It’s cracking inward now, starting to push in a bit. That finishes your go Beau, Caleb, you’re up. Go Beau.
My go Beau! Caleb scratches at his arms and just continues to stare at and runs his hand down it, tries again. Nope. Halas’ designs are too intricate for your mind. As distracted as you are in the moment, the sweat dripping down your head, the humid atmosphere, it’s just toying with you. But I look over my shoulder and see what’s going on, and then I’m going to move. Make room for Nott. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, I’m going right there, and I tell Willy to swing away. I would say you probably have to move a little here just to stay out of the radius, because it is bigger than that. Okay, okay. Okay. And Willy’s going to take a couple of punches, no. All right. That is a 26.
Hits. And a 16 which doesn’t, so. Damage on one of them.
Yeah. Come on, Willy. Nine points of damage. It’s now crack spidering all around it. It’s looking real hurt. That finishes your go, it’s now the Permaheart’s turn. Everyone suffers eight points of necrotic damage across the entire chamber. Also, to one tentacle arrives, which is going to right there. That’s going to attack Beauregard. First let’s see if it can, it can re-summon its tentacles now. Does it take this damage from the top of its turn? It’s at the end of its turn. I rolled a con save, and I kept it up. Great. All right, so one’s going to be taking Beauregard. That is going to be an 18. Miss. Misses. You just like slap it away. The other one is going to be attacking you, Jester. That’s going to be a 19? Bleah. You suffer 13 points of bludgeoning damage, and you make strength saving throw. 12? 12 fails, you are grappled. However make constitution saving throw for me as well to see if you can maintain the spell. (sighs) No. The spell dissipates. The Dawn light fades. Smart. That finishes the end of the Permaheart’s turn. Fjord, you’re up. Is this tentacle in melee range of Nott? Right now it is not. Okay. (laughter) But it can move, but not before Nott’s turn. So I’ll send two Eldritch Blasts at the tentacle that’s a grappling Jester. Go for it. Sorry, wrong one. That is a 14 and a 24. Both hit. Great. That is 12 points of force damage and 14 points of force damage. You shatter the one that had just grabbed Jester. Thanks Fjord. No problem, and I will– It’s his real accent. (laughter) I will move just, I’ll stay right here on the ridge but come around on this side. All right. Right there on the edge?
Yeah. Finishing Fjord’s turn, Jester, you’re up, Caduceus, you’re on deck. This thing’s on the cusp of breaking. I use my spiritual weapon to attack it. Go for it. Follow your art heart. (laughter) Oh!
(cheering) Go ahead and roll some damage for me. (laughter) 10 plus, 15. 15. Doubled it? Yeah. (cheering) The glass shatters and breaks away, the glyphs sparking to darkness, and now as it all falls, the heart just falls there and is still beating. But it’s now exposed. The air around you also that horrible, sickening feeling now intensifies. Oh no. Yeah, figured that. We all shit our pants. I’m going to Guiding Bolt it (gags) at level four. Oh shit, go for it. Okay.
Explosive diarrhea. Ew! Oh yeah, that’s 27 to hit. That definitely hits. Without its arcane shell, its AC is much lower. It is literally a giant heart on the ground. So that’s 7d6. 7d6?
Yeah. Ooh! Oh, that’s a good set of rolls. Lot of sixes. 10, 22, 27, 30 points. 30. As you blast into it, the energy burns across it, sparkling pinkish turns to green around it, and you see the heart stopped beating for a second and then continue its thrum. It’s, you know, took a hit. The next attack has advantage. Exactly. That finishes your turn, Jester, Caduceus, you’re up. I’m going to– Unless you want to move, Jester. That thing would hit me, right? Yeah, probably.
Yeah, I’ll stay. Is it possible to get next to Beau without getting in range of that tentacle? Nope. Actually, no, it wouldn’t. Oh, okay. Well you know what, things happen, so I’m going to get in, I’m going to go stand next to, between Beau and Jester, and I’m going to cast Holy Weapon on Beau. Okay. That gives me like 2d8 hit, right? Adds 2d8 radiant damage. This means everyone’s Bless has faded now. Yes, no more Bless, sorry guys. No more Bless. 2d8 radiant. 2d8 radiant, and then… Oh my god. Beautiful. It’s beautiful! It’s going to turn invisible as well. Okay. All righty. Finishing Caduceus’s turn, Nott, you’re up, Beau, you’re on deck. We’re just killing this thing now, right? Yeah. All right. I will rock this way. I bet it hates fire. Oh, can we loose the jar, or is the jar permanent? The jar is part of it, unfortunately. We need fire to kill it. To kill the heart? Yeah, just like everything else. I bet it needs fire cause it will heal itself or something. I could shoot an explosive arrow, but you’re all around it. Yeah, maybe don’t do that. So I’ll just shoot a regular bolt. Go for it. Regular bolt! Wait, do I get sneak attack? You do not. Well then I will go behind that pillar and hide. Actually, you know what, no, for this I would allow it, because it is exposed, it does not have the chamber around it. It does have a discernible anatomy, it is a heart, it is essentially a weak point. I will allow sneak attack, yeah. Snack attack!
Snack attack damage. 13 to hit. 13 is exactly what you needed. Whoa! Oh, it’s really stank. (laughter) That a burp?
Yeah. (groans) Somebody? It’s right here. (laughter) Go ahead and roll damage, Nott. Roll damage. Oh, sorry, sorry. This heart is just really, smells like sausage! (laughter) Chicken, chicken. Well it smells like sausage. Oh, that’s even worse. (laughter) Yeah, that’s what we get for, this is why we don’t order Tai. 27! Ooh, nice. It sinks into it and you see it a pulse around and shift in its space from the impact of the bolt, but it’s still beating. ♪ And you’re to blame ♪ (laughter) 18 to hit? 18 hits, go ahead and roll damage again. 10.
What is it? 10 more.
10 more damage. The second bolt, you can see now there’s two bolts that rolls a little bit from the impact. All right, the finishes your go. Mighty Nein versus the heart. Beau, you’re up. I crack my knuckles, and as I do, little radiant sparks just off of my knuckles, and I’m just, wham! I’m going to start–
Tenderize that steak. Tenderize this meat! Pop pop! Yeah, okay. 17 and 18.
Both hit. So d6 plus–
Radiant. (whispering) (laughter) Cocked. Fuck, fuck, fuck. (all talking at once) What about that one up there? That’s crazy, roll that again. Okay. It was not great. Most of those landed in other counties. (laughter) Wait, that wasn’t, wait–
Yeah, how the fuck? I don’t know. Just add them all. Okay, okay, okay. Hang on, hang on, let me do math here. That’s eight… (laughter) 16. Eight, 18. 20.
Yeah. One, that’s 12. 31. 31. No, plus another 12. Oh, 32.
32. 32 points of damage. As you come down, fist sailing into it, the burst of holy energy burns around, and you pull back and it’s like, the heartbeat sound is falling into like a horrible sucking sounds, it’s horribly hurt. Flurry of Blows. Go for it. Okay, okay, let me get all this shit out. You’re not, pop pop. Clear! Oh god dammit. 13?
Hits. Hits, and then 18 again. Both hit. These two. Don’t even roll damage. How do you want to do this? (cheering) One hit point left. (babbling) How do you want to do this? I’m just going to– Put cholesterol in it! Reach over to Caduceus and get one little like high five, and I’m going to take that energy and, into the heart. Well–
High five. I’m going to break his nose trying to high five him. As you bring it down, like it’s almost like a rubber band impact and it releases. You slam and it bursts across the ground. (groaning) And stops beating. Quick, quick, quick! Burn it, burn it! I slap the cat’s cradle on the ground, dead face like Dwight from The Office, and cast a Web of Fire on it at its level. Okay. All of them scatter around, almost spiraling around it, impacting it, and the burn bursts into flames, crackling, a high cinder at first. This almost bonfire, and as it slowly trickles down, you can see the ashen remains of the Permaheart before you. We did it. If it bleeds, we can kill it. (laughter) We should get this stuff off of us. The tendril falls dead, and within a few moments, you can see all of these stretching bits of flesh and vein throughout the floor begin to turn black. I wonder if the Laughing Hand was like, oh! Oh, it hurts. Yeah, he’s got like a nosebleed. Do you want to check any of the runes on the surfaces, any of this of use to you for protection or? Is the heart doing anything? No, it is ash. What’s happening in the room? Anything weird? I’m just paying attention for rumbling. Make a perception check. Okay, I will do that. I’m going to loot the heart. (laughter) Make an investigation check. All right.
Natural 20. Woo!
Natural 20. So a perception of like 29, 33. Yeah. You quietly focus, letting the Wildmother speak through you and sense the space. No heartbeat. The room is still. The heart is dead. The chamber now cold, its purpose fulfilled. I think we’re good. Wow. (gagging) (laughter) Okay, okay. I rolled a 13 to look and see if the heart has any goals. Okay. You find a lot of ashes, and like a hint of like very, very dark, blackened flesh. Nothing. Again, Caleb, do these runes, are they of any use to you? These pieces, these shards, this material? Use? I mean I will, at Fjord’s suggestion I’m, I want to get out of here, but I will inspect this. I cast Detect Magic, is there anything? No, the chamber is bereft of magic. All things within that were living and/or magical, outside of what you carry amongst yourselves, now dormant. And the door? Ah. If you get close enough here, the door itself still emanates or magical aura. Oh. Let’s check for other passages, see if maybe– Question.
Yes. Can I go over to these plaques, these tablets? Mm-hmm. I did a like rub, a rubbing of the glyphs that were, when we were following Obann. Yes. I pull that out in my notes, in Beau’s notes. Mm-hmm.
Do they compare? They are different.
Okay. Yeah, you don’t see any sort of patterns that overlap enough to catch your worry. Okay. Looking underneath where the case was, any sort of, anything we can move, push, shove, symbology to take note of? I mean, it’s just, it’s a lot of dead flesh. Yeah. Shall we return to the study? Where is Yussa? Somewhere else. Probably the Dreadnought. He’s in the Dreadnought.
Jesus. Let’s get out of here. Probably retreat to the previous chamber, which is not much better than this. We head to the door. Mm-hmm.
Okay. You guys all head back to the door where you entered, step back out into the familiar spiraling staircase into darkness, only you can still see the entrance in the distance where you entered from underneath the desk. Eventually the spiral turns into an ascending staircase and you all one by one emerge once more into the Permaheart study. The distant thrum now quiet. What about the little pieces? Are they quivering still or are they– Oh, you go and inspect the jars? All the pieces are black and unmoving. That’s good, that’s really good. Anything else look different? Beyond that no, but every other sliver of contained Permaheart flesh that was seemingly being studied or contained within these jars has turned black and it’s now beginning to just liquefy within its jar. We should take his notes. I was about to say, I gather up and take his notes. Okay. Not much further to the golem workshop, we could hold up there for a bit and I could fix Willy. I’m okay with that. Like spend the night? We’re going to lose another week outside. Should we check in with Allura? We came in here to find Yussa and we don’t have Yussa. Shit, we could do it again. Yeah, let’s do it in that workshop. Okay, let’s go, well– This place is just as creepy as the chamber down below. The study is a bit more cramped than the workshop is. Okay. Or I’m sorry, the experiment chamber, because that’s the only in-between point– The workshop was dry and warm. And I can fix this automoton. True.
Okay. Thanks a good plan. Let’s do it I guess. We’ll go back to the workshop. Okay. Heading back through the doorway from the Permaheart study, you enter the experiment chamber left as you left it. The difference being all the bodies that had some semblance of experimentation, both within or now shattered on the ground, that were partially decomposed or were still in a stasis position, have all also blackened and begun to liquefy. It looks like all things that are tethered to the Permaheart within here have lost their connection and maintenance. We move through there to the golem workshop. Okay. Door opens up and you enter the warm interior of the golden workshop, just as you left it. Should I call Allura? Are we going to rest here? Maybe a short rest. Call Allura, I’m going to start looking through the instructions that are here and see if I can figure out how to fix my robot. I call Allura. Okay. Allura answers. Hello. How goes everything? Holy shit, Allura, we just killed the heart. Oh, so you managed to find what you were seeking. Well, sort of, we haven’t found Yussa yet. Does anything look different out there, now that we’ve killed the heart? Is the whole world changed? (laughter) Let me look. You see from the back of the mirror, she goes to the edge of a window that overlooks a cityscape around. It’s just fire. From it looks like a tower position. A tower position. No, looks about the same from my perspective, but I am quite a ways away from the place you call home. All right. Is it warm where you are? It’s relatively temperate. (laughs) Well, have you heard anything else? How long has it been since we talked to you? Since we last spoke I believe it’s been maybe a day and a half? Okay, that’s not so bad. Oh yeah, that’s actually pretty good. Well. If I recall correctly. Good news, so if you feel like scrying on the Laughing Hand or anything to see if he’s just lying in pain, let us know. Would you like me to scry them? Yes. Yeah. Can you scry on something you’ve never seen? Yeah. I can certainly try, it’s not easy. I describe exactly what he looks like. Oh, I’m going to hold up my journal to the mirror so she can see my drawing of the Laughing Hand. See him, do you see? He’s got all these mouths and stuff and he’s got– I’ll use Disguise Self to turn into– Like a tiny version? A tiny Laughing Hand. (laughter) That is very disgusting. That is a very– It’s a lot to deal with. All right. It’ll take me a moment, and she begins to– Can you like, put us on hold while you do that? This lasts for 10 minutes, so we could be looking at her while she’s scrying if we want to. The scry ritual takes how long to prepare? Oh.
10 minutes. Well. You’ll have to get back to me, if you don’t mind, afterward. Okay.
All right, well– We’ll hang up and call back immediately, by then you will have done it. Most likely. We’re going to keep looking for– Okay.
All right. And the connection dissipates. Well.
Call back. One, two. Okay, I’m calling back. Like, okay. Yeah. This entity is doing very poorly. (gasps) Extremely poorly. (gasps) When I was checking in, he was in the midst of being berated by an individual. Obann. Possibly. The flesh was sagging, and it was extremely lethargic, breathing heavy. Whoa! Yeah, so whatever you did, it seems to have had quite an impact on this creature. There was talk a bit of an event soon as part of this frustration, shouting at this beast, this Laughing Hand, about how it falls apart near the finish line. That’s all I can ascertain. The finish line. I guess they’re going to miss Traveler Con. Any distinct timeline or due date or something? Not that I could take from the conversation. Did you see a woman there? Not immediately, no. Okay. How about a, wasn’t there another skull creature thing? Yeah. Was it just the Obann guy in the Laughing Hand, was there anyone else? That’s all I saw for the time that I could. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Thank you. Thank you Allura, we’re going to I guess try to find Yussa now, I’m not sure where he is. We may have to sleep, I don’t even know. Any more ideas where he might be or what he might’ve been interested in? What parts have you not explored yet? We haven’t seen the Dreadnought yet. We haven’t seen the Dreadnought, the bad row, we haven’t been to the crystal mines, we haven’t been to the circle bound chamber, (mumbling). Well, this could be in any of those or otherwise. There’s something called the bedroom. Would a Locate Creature spell work here? It depends. That usually requires proximity, but the way you’re describing the interior– Different dimensions. So it might just stop at the door. It might. Yeah, weird. We’re just going to have to room to room this thing. Yep. There’s a bunch of rooms, maybe we all take a different room? (laughter) I like it. Allura, I think we’ll be heading to the Dreadnought next. We’re not entirely sure what we’ll find there, but it seems some clues have led us in that direction. Well, take care, that sounds terrifying. All right, well I’m going to go, because having to continue a conversation at this extremely slow pace is giving me a headache. Yes, of course. Goodbye! Don’t make it worse, please. Goodbye. The mirror goes to a reflective self. So we construct a dome, or would you like to fix your robot first? Caleb has spent the last 10 minutes futzing with instructions and looking at his golem. Okay. So you’re taking a long rest here. Going to trying to fix the golem, if I’m able to. Oh, fix the golem first, all right. I’ll help you. The materials are fairly scarce, cause you used a lot of them to finish his construction. Go ahead and make an arcana check for me. Dice. 17. 17? (sighs) You cannot find sufficient materials to repair him here, unfortunately. There’s not enough to do significant repairs, at most to be able to repair him, I’d say go ahead and roll 2d6. Nine. Okay, so he heals nine hit points. But that’s the extent of what you’re capable of doing. The materials you use here are expended. That’s the extent of what the workshop currently has available. Okay. That’s great, that’s something. True. Dome? Are we taking a long rest? Dome it. Gosh, okay. It’s going to be eight more days, just so you’re aware. Do you think we can afford it? I’m okay for a short rest. I’m fine with a short rest too, but that’s just me. I’m almost out of spells, but that’s my own fault, I guess. No, we should, we’re going into the room, the area, whatever it is, called the Dreadnought. The word dread in it. Let’s rest. It’s your call. Let’s do it, rest. I say we rest. All right, so. Going to wish we had.
Eight hour rest. Eight hour rest. Long rest, long rest. You all, shacking up in here, dome present, have a long rest. Which looking back at the rules, like, the eight hour long rest, there can be someone that takes two hours rest, so my apologies in that last session. So you can do two-hour watches for an eight hour. Oh, cool.
Oh, okay. You can do that for the extent before the dome vanishes. But I will say, for the sake of brevity here, you’re pretty safe within this chamber. There aren’t any incursions throughout the night. You come eight hours later to the end of your rest restored, hit points, spells rejuvenated. What would you like to do? Let’s go to the fuckin’ Dreadnought. Yeah, we’ll make our way back into the experiment chamber. Okay. Starting to become familiar with this place. I got an idea, I just need to, where’s my– Prep those spells, those spells. Yeah. Prep those spells. I’m prepping Divination. Okay.
Which could be useful. Before we go into the Dreadnought, we could get some information really quickly. Oh, great. Okay then. I’m pretty good with everything else I’ve got. Okay. You all step back into the waterlogged experimental chamber and you make your way towards the other door, correct? Right before we do, I’m going to ask for just 10 minutes to have a conversation. Well, it’s an action to cast Divination, so. Is it?
Yeah. Oh yeah. All right, so. As you expend the incense and sacrificial offering, so you mark 25 gold off of your stuff there, you get to ask a specific question. What would you like to ask as you feel through the planes, the warmth of the Wildmother’s presence come and calm the back of your mind at the precipice– Oh, what’s his name again, because I keep saying Obann incorrectly. Who are looking for? Yussa.
Yussa. You, sah. You sah, no you sah. (mumbling) Oh no. (mumbling) Is Yussa in the Dreadnought? That’s the question you ask? The first question. They have to be yes or no. Divination is a single answer. Oh. Oh, it’s different than what you were doing. That’s not Commune or whatever. That’s not Commune? Commune’s different. Oh, I think I meant to do Commune then, I’m so sorry. Is Commune what you meant? I’ll allow you to do that. I’m a little pokey at the moment. And Divination doesn’t have to be yes or now? Divination, the difference is Divination, you ask a question and the DM gives, concerning a specific event, goal or activity to occur within seven days, and the DM offers a truthful reply. It can be a short phrase, cryptic rhyme or an omen. Commune is what allows you ask three questions of your deity. Seems like a good usage, take it. And I’ll take that map. Okay, so yes, Commune. Commune, okay. In the same sense, it takes you a minute as you build out the much larger ritual, feel the presence of the Wildmother, and the questions are? Is Yussa in the Dreadnought? In this still chamber, the unhappy acrid smell of like acid and chemicals, a warm breeze hits, but it blows away from the Dreadnought door. Ooh. Interesting. Is Yussa alive? You get one? Is Yussa alive? The warm breeze now picks up from underneath and you feel butterflies in the stomach. A positive response. Oh, okay. Let’s pick another room. Is Yussa in the crystal mines? The breeze grows cold and still. Dammit. Not in the Dreadnought and not in the crystal mines. Devil’s circle room. That’s all three of my questions. Oh, you did it. What’s the one that gives you five? You cast it again if you want to. I can, that’ll be, that’s dangerous to cast. Oh, it is?
It’s a fifth level spell? Just for fun, I’m going to try Divine Intervention to see if I can just get her to give me a specific location. Okay. Percentile dice! 73. No.
I’m going to try too! Okay, go for it. Percentile dice! Oh, your god didn’t help>well I’m going to see if my god. (laughter) It’s a god-ff. ♪ Anything yours can do mine can do better ♪ Aww, 23.
No. One day, one day we’ll see it work. ♪ One day ♪ Pike did it once. Can’t you do it? No, Pike did it twice. Oh. It felt like a definitive no on both of those, didn’t it? What’s left, what are the other– There’s the bedroom. The flesh man facility. Maybe he’s in the flesh man. I want a goat head, that’s promising name. Carving farm? Jesus. (laughter) Is that what it’s called? Circle bound chamber? Circle-bound chamber, maybe he’s trapped in some sort of– We’ve omitted crystal mines garden, but we haven’t– He’s not in the Deadnought. No Dreadnought, not experiment, not Perma, not heart, not golem workshop– There are a number of notes that point to the Deadnought. Not Yussa specifically. But yeah, but Halas. Halas, yeah. Something’s in the Dreadnought. But the divinity just said Yussa– Yussa does not appear to be– But Halas might be in the Dreadnought. Halas? Or his notes seem to point towards it. Still be alive? Yeah. Yes. Fully. It would be like 10 years or something. Although probably really not happy. Have we been to the nest? He might not know. Might be like Jumanji. It’s also, with Halas’ experience with extraplanar pockets, he could have shunted Yussa somewhere else. Not in one of these chambers. Well, there is a prison. If Halas had captured Yussa, he could’ve brought Yussa to the prison of soot. We could either get there by going straight to the prison or we could go there by going to Halas and having him bring us there. Halas may be like, just a soul trapped in a jar right now. Halas could also be on the mainland, right? He could be anywhere. How long would it take to get to the prison of soot? How many stops that we haven’t gone through yet? We’re in the golem workshop right now? Oof, oof. Many. Oh Jesus, how would we do it? One, two, how would we get there? We should go through the Dreadnought. It would be one, two, three, four, five. I feel like there might be a third passage in the Dreadnought. We should just check the Dreadnought. Yeah. Okay. But Halas isn’t there. Yeah but, wait, Halas might be there, but Yussa’s not. I mean Yussa won’t be there. Yeah, but Halas might be able to take us to Yussa. May know something. Halas was thinking about becoming a lich. Yeah, Halas is not a good guy. Halas was trying to avoid being a lich. Because it was complicated, not because he didn’t think it was good. No, I don’t think he’s going to help us. What good is finding Halas going to potentially do? Could tell us where he is. Why would he do that? What can we give him? He is a like 3000 year old wizard dude and we’re the Mighty Nein. Think about all the technical advances we’ve made since then. We’re the people who just broke his immortality machine. Like, he’s probably wearing like, just like underwear cause he doesn’t even know what clothes are. Yeah.
Yeah. We could show him buttons. The technology of buttons. Are there zippers in this world? I don’t think so. Velcro? Yes, there is velcro. (laughter) I agree with Caduceus, we just broke his eternity machine, his fountain of youth. I don’t think– Maybe he doesn’t know that. I’m pretty sure he knows that. Is it as difficult to get to the– Everything that he built with it just rotted? Is it as difficult to get to the prison of soot going backwards as it is going through the Dreadnought? We would have to go to the tower machine, where we’ve been.
Yeah. It’s longer to go through the Dreadnought to get to the prison of soot. Then to the garden again, find another door that we haven’t found yet, go to the study, and go to the circle bound chamber, in which there is a pentagram and a goat’s head. The prison of soot is just a guess. Then to the prison of soot. It’s just a guess. And we don’t know if he’s there. And we might accidentally go to the carving farm instead, which sounds very– Yeah, we should go to the Dreadnought. We don’t have anything pointing us to the prison of soot. The Dreadnought may have doors that haven’t been discovered yet. I think he’s in the flesh man facility. Do you just like saying that? (laughter) I think it’s better to go places we haven’t been, even if we, yeah. The flesh trees facility? Caleb, would you like to take a look at that purple gem and see if you can activate it? Oh god. I examined it before. It doesn’t appear to be an activation more than a marker. No one’s tried the door. Nott, could you, do you see anything hinky with this doorway? Sure, it’s in the room we’re in? Yeah. It’s on the opposite end of where you entered originally. I will inspect. Wait, give me Guidance. (laughter) Nice catch. 26. 26, to? I’m looking for? Traps, locks, okay. The door is not locked, it is not trapped, from what you can tell. Clear! Should I open it? I can. You open it, like a cold wind blows through and you can see like a faint, fuzzy purple color ahead of you, but your vision can’t really focus on it, it’s like something continuously blurs what’s beyond whatever threshold there is. It looks to be about 15 feet from the entrance of this door. It’s another one of these things. We fight something else we’re going to have to take another long rest, that’s another week. Yeah, I feel like we really can’t take another week. We’re just inspecting. We have nowhere else to go that we know. I know, but, we know for a fact Yussa’s not in the Dreadnought. We also know for a fact that there’s 75% of this place that’s unmapped. That is very true. This is a definitive direction. I could cast Commune. I mean– Jester, are you worried about something with the passage of time? Do you want a cast Commune? I could cast Commune with the Traveler. We could ask three more rooms. It’s up to you. Are you worried about missing Traveler Con? Obviously! It was coming up, Fjord! How soon? I have not– I don’t know how much time is passing in here, I don’t understand it completely, but you know, it was like a couple, like eight weeks away when we got in here, so. It was a little longer than that, I think 10 weeks away. It was like 10 weeks away or something, I don’t know, I’m bad with time. And Allura had said that we’ve been gone for about– Two already, over. You’ve been gone, since now knowing the hours you’ve spent out there. Two weeks. You’ve been gone for roughly, I have to look at the full calendar, but like 22 days, around there. Almost three weeks, We’re doing all right. Well, I can cast Commune if you guys want me to. I’d say burn a fifth level maybe, yeah. All right, I’m going to sit down and… Lets pick three. Prison of soot seems interesting. Let’s ask about the prison. Bedroom? We’re just asking for the location of Yussa, right? You can ask all sorts of questions too. It’s your call. Another ideas? It has to be yes or no. I have a sneaking suspicion he is nowhere on that map. We could ask that question. Maybe start with that. Is he anywhere on this map that’s already been mapped out? Okay, so you take a minute to set up the ritual, whereas Caduceus set up like all these beautiful little natural little trinkets and incense burned around there. All around me on the ground. Yeah, you just draw all sorts of little creatures and big little stone penises in the circle around you. As you cast the spell– A little mouse flipping everybody off on the ground. A smell of vanilla fills the space, which all of you recognize. You sense two hands on your shoulder, and you see the hood come into peripheral and say, how can I help you? Well, okay, here’s the thing. We’re looking for this guy Yussa, we don’t know where the fuck he is, this place is crazy. Is he anywhere on this map that we have? The hood of the Traveler leans forward and glances across the paper. I think he’s somewhere on this map, yeah. Yes, I believe so. Okay, that’s good, that’s good to know. Do we want to ask if Halas is on the map? Is in this map, yeah. I mean, do we want to waste a question? Oh, I’m not going to ask him that, that’s not my question. (babbling) It’s either that or two locations, right? I think we should get a couple more locations, honestly. If we get Halas, then we might know if we’re dealing with like, a want tobe demi-lich. Come on, don’t you guys want to go to the Dreadnought? Oh, I totally do, yeah. Ask your locations (mumbling). We don’t know he’s on the Dreadnought. Is he in the bedroom? The Traveler’s image flickers a bit. I don’t sense him there. Fuck! Okay, I’m going to ask about that one. Which one? The prison of soot. Is he in the prison of soot? The hood comes into focus a bit and goes, “I mean, if I were to capture errant mages “that wandered your halls or trespassing, “where would you put them?” (gasps) Traveler, you’re so smart, thank you so much! You see a little eye wink from under the hood as the image of vanishes. You guys, my god is the coolest god. (laughter) You chose the wrong when you were picking your new one. He’s in the prison of soot. You did all right. , Well, we should check out the Dreadnought. You stand at the open precipice of the purple doorway on the other side. There’s a couple of rooms we haven’t been to, so we can make our way– We can at least stick our, one of us could go through and just pop out and look in. We could look and see what it is. We still get to go through the circle bound chamber, that’s exciting. You could just pop in, pop out. Then the door auto-locks behind you. Do whatever you want. What are you doing? Oh, the Dreadnought’s so far away. So one, two, three, four, five, holy shit, now we can’t even fucking get there. But we have to anyway though, because– No we don’t. One, two, three, four. We can do here, here. No, wait. Oh my god. (all talking at once) Yeah, so you go Dreadnought, crystal mines garden. Uh-huh. I wish I could cast Commune again, that was really fun. Study.
Out of fifth. He was so like, present, you know? Like he’s always here, but this one felt like, I could feel his hands on my shoulders, you know? Are you in love with him? Well, no, four, five. Really? I mean he’s really wonderful. Do you think loves you? Of course he loves me, he loves me so much. Two extra unknowns. (all talking at once) The Dreadnought path is the exact same distance as if we went backwards. Except two more unknown rooms as opposed to less than two unknown rooms. Six, seven, no, you’re right. It’s technically shorter. So a little faster, but– What is? The Dreadnought path is one– It’s actually one more faster, but he’s right. We’d go through more unknowns. What’s the plan? Half of us go through the Dreadnought and half of us go… (laughter) We’ll see who gets there. Perfect. Let’s roll a d20. For what? Anything above 10, Dreadnought. Anything below 10, we go the other way. I don’t want to put it up to chance. I want to agree, I think we should go through the Dreadnought. Why? Yeah, that’s a good question, why? (laughter) Because we’ll know more. To understand this place. I think that’s dangerous and that there is no understanding this place. But if it’s what you want to do, well– The Dreadnought path has three unknown rooms. Going backwards has one. One? Well, not including the prison, yeah. I really do want to see the crystal cave a little bit. The crystal mines, the Dreadnought, and the circle bound chamber. If you really want to go, I’ll do this. I would like to remind everyone that this happy fun ball also has the nickname of the mage’s bane, and we are searching for a mage, and he’s been locked up for being super overly curious. So yeah, you know, we could go through the Dreadnought. Good, we’re agreed. (laughter) I’m very curious. Well, you guys are both arcane users, so that would make sense that you know, the two of you would be the ones that– Are you not an arcane user? I was being a little sarcastic. No, I got that. My power comes from a different place. (laughter) Yes, my mistake. What’s the plan? I’m curious as well, but, we have Traveler Con on the horizon. (laughter) What a weird sentence. (laughter) Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are we having a meeting or are we playing and D&D? (laughter) D&D is nothing but a bunch of meetings. I mean, partially. I dunno. The video gamer in me wants to see the levels. I’m having an amazing time in this fucking ball. (laughter) You know, I feel like you get overridden a lot, Caleb. I’m with you. I feel like we tell you no a lot. So yeah, I’ll tell you yes on this one. I’m in it. Just be careful and be careful with us. I feel like the power of this place is sucking you in. But. Get a little nervous like Jester. I think as long as you promise to not go off by yourself and– You have to promise, Caleb, you’re not going to do that. Pay attention to us and make sure that you don’t trigger anything, just be very careful. I mean, we just watched him like a few hours ago stare into a door for like a while. I know, he keeps staring at things really creepily in here. Then you sent your cat forward and down a door when the rule that Captain Tusktooth put forth was to call out your actions like a lifeguard. (laughter) I didn’t follow any of that. Well I missed some of it. I did not understand that. But I would rather you put your faith in me for something more important than my curiosity. Let’s go the other way. Not Dreadnought? What are you saying your name is? Dread Nott or Dread yes? What are you guys doing? What’s your plan? (sighs) We’re talking about it. All right. What could it hurt to pop in and just see what it’s like, right? We could just pop right back. Check out the view. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Let’s pop in, check out the view. Yep. If shit looks real bad, real fast, we’re out. Yeah. It’s the thing you always say, pop pop. Pop pop. Jester, are you worried about the time and missing Traveler Con? You’ve been waiting years, right? Well, I only knew about it recently, so no. But you don’t want to miss it. Retroactively waiting here. It’s fine you guys, I just– You’d have to be in here a long time This place worries me is all. But we can go in. I’m confident we can handle anything, as long as we’re together. Counter argument. Counter argument. We do not go through the Dreadnought. We go the other way. We get Yussa. We go to Traveler Con, and we come back. Agreed. I want to see that crystal cave. Sounds nice. I suppose. (murmuring) All right. What are you guys doing? Are you having a look? Are you turning the other way? Are you going through or staying? (all talking at once) Everything sucks in every direction. This is how this group makes decisions. We’ll take a peek and then we’ll go backward to one unknown room. Okay, here’s the rules though. (laughter) Here’s the fucking rules. Pink D&D right now. You’re not going to get weird, you’re not going to stare down weird corridors, you’re not going to cast spells, we’re all going to hold hands, we’re going to buddy system. Okay? We’re going to peek and pop right back out. Okay, this is the astral sea we’re fuckin’ with. I just want to point out. We’re doing elementary hand holding chain. Yeah, because shit gets sucked into the astral sea and is never seen again! Grab that fuckin’ wizard’s hand. We’re walking through that magic door. I have a feeling the minute we go through he’s going to go (mumbling). (laughter) She’s got higher strength than he does. Ready, one, two, three. (shouting) All right, and you all leap through. As you step through, you drifted forward, the purple, (laughter). The purple door comes your way, and as it passes by, you all find yourself not touching the ground, but just drifting there. Nope, nope.
Is there a door? We’re drifting. Hold on, my queue crashed. My audio cue.
We’re already falling. It’s all good. We’re perpetually falling for the rest of our lives. (laughter) No, you’re fine. We can take a long rest, set some new spells while we’re falling. No, you’re fine. Play the heartbeat again. Play the heartbeat again? (laughter) Nah, nah. No, you managed to push past that, you’re fine. All right, let me try– I feel like maybe destroying that heart possibly made stuff easier up ahead, or made stuff angrier, I don’t know. All right, there we go. As you come through, you find yourself just stationary, drifting. Is our hair like going floaty? Yeah, your feet touch no ground, your hair floats a bit, and your body gently glides without direction away from the open portal behind you, which doesn’t close. Drifting to a slow stop, and you’re all holding hands, just drifting. Gravity holds no sway, not in the way you know it. Surrounding you in every direction is a sea of swirling, silvery mists and curling winds and expensive soft gray and white dots. Distant points of light like this stars of a night sky. The door behind you is built into a massive, rough island of dull cerulean rock that sits adrift in this strange place, but what really catches your eye are the numerous platinum chains, maybe a dozen or so, thick platinum chains that are bolted tightly to and wrapped around this dark blue rock before pulling to the creature that they restrain.
(gasps) Just below the door, about 30 or so feet from the island, and about 25 or so feet from you, rests a terrifying behemoth that challenges the darkest of your nightmares. This is way worse than I thought. (laughter) A hulking beast covered in spiky armored plates resembling a bulbous swollen serpent with a silvery tail that seems to curl and drift infinitely towards the distant skies, tethered to an impossible distance on the horizon. The hardened pale flesh plates that surround it are veiny and smooth, almost slick, while its muscles tense against the numerous chains that surround it. At its front where it faces you, a trunk-like a torso carries two thick muscular arms that end in terrifying pincers, also held by the same thick silvery bands and chains to the rock. It is bound and unable to move to this rock. Between the fleshy shoulder sits a gargantuan face crested with horn to ridges along the brow, and the corners of the immense jaw, where hundreds of two foot teeth layer and tangle around the edges of a 12 foot wide mouth, ever dripping a thick, clear saliva that drips from its chin and then floats near the space around, as well as the two heavy chains that connect to the sides of its mouth. Two of these just built into the sides of its jaw. Noseless, singular eye would sit above the mouth, were it not covered by a platinum plate bolted to its brow. There you sit floating as it just sits there, bound, blinded, chains attached to it, with the door behind you. You spin around and look, and you see two large levers framing each side of the door. Nope, nope. (laughter) Nope, we are looking at the face of an elder god. This is insane! Any other structures, or is it just infinity around all this? Make a perception check. I will assist you in that perception check. Some shelves, maybe? He needs to inspect. You have advantage. I cannot, ll right. The first one’s cocked. 15. 15? Just those two levers, and the rocky island there. The door’s still open, right? Yeah, still open. Yeah, I’m on the end of the human chain, Should I try some NASA astronaut like propulsion to send us back towards the door? As you like, begin to will yourself that direction, you float that direction. Oh. All of you begin to do, you see Fjord and do that, you begin to just will yourself to move and your body drifts. The speed you move is three times your intelligence score. (laughter) So Caleb and Beauregard in the space can travel quicker than anybody, and Caduceus is holding up the caboose. 30 feet. (laughter) Okay. Back, right, back? We know now, back. Did the monster notice us? It hasn’t moved. No, let’s just–
Out, out. Hey, is this that serpent creature that we saw in those drawings? Oh. Do you guys remember? It doesn’t look like that. Big arms and pincers? No. No. You can make an arcana check. (murmuring) 24. Guidance?
He gave– You had your suspicions. But this is an astral dreadnought. They are– It really is an astral dreadnought? That is bound and chained to this island. It is unmoving at the moment. It doesn’t notice your presence. It seems like it is dormant. Let’s take it. This poor dreadnought needs water. The only things you notice are the numerous chains that bind it to this island, and then the chains seem to cluster around two of these levers. You know you go to the zoo and you want to see the– Is it taut, tight, the way it’s held? Or is it just like loosey-goosey? No, there’s a couple that are pretty loose, but most of them are pretty taut, and some of the, it’s bound in different directions to where it’s held suspended. What do you say, we let it go? As we go through the door, I can just shoot at the chains. You guys are between this giant rock island and you floated out of the doorway that’s on this island where the two levers are, and all the chains are coming around you and bound around this creature. We’re letting ourselves through the door. I really want to pull one of those levers. 42 feet. They can hear something? You can make an investigation check to see what the levers do. Yeah, I’m going to roll an investigation check. Nothing–
I’ll do the other one. Okay. Nothing good. Oh, terrible.
Terrible. Guidance. (laughter) Three!
13. 25. You both have no idea what these levers do. One of them you pull. Oh, I think you pull them. Through the door. Okay, okay.
Through the door. We’ve seen it, right, we’ve seen it? (all talking at once) It’s not a ship, it’s not a plane, it is a giant– 22, okay. Fucking death panther. The left lever seems to be, you now see as you get close, it’s connected to many, many of these chains around. You can see there’s actually within this island, what initially you didn’t notice, intricate little bits of clockwork that weave behind and the lever on the left, if pulled, would probably release all of the chains. Okay. The lever on the right seems to be affixed to a network that connects directly to the two chains that attached to its sides of its jaw. You gather, if they were pulled, it might force the jaw open. Oh. Oh, so he can feed things to the dreadnought. So he keeps it alive or something? Feed his enemies to it. Or it breathes some sort of– Well, we read in the notes, right, that this is how he discarded of the failed experiments. If all of these experiments that you, bonus, you generate- He said the bodies were jettisoned into the astral sea. Right. That’s what I’m saying. In the last bit of the notes that you read, regarding this, dealt with one of his ritual chambers within the dreadnought. Within the dread, he can go inside the dreadnought. You can pull it open and go inside. He was inside Moby Dick. Oh my god. Should we go in? Just to see, just to see what it’s like. We’ll open its mouth and go inside of it? That’s probably where the portal is to the crystal mines. Really fucking cool. You can make a perception check if you want. Can I? Jester, do you want to go in? I’ll help with that. I never knew we could go inside of a big– Perception? Okay, 15. 15? As you look towards the dreadnought and look around back at the island, there was actually another door, about 30 or so feet below, the one that you’re at, that’s closed. That’s the way to the crystal mines. Do we want to, that’ll actually save us some time. Will it? Well no, actually, it won’t. You said sacrifice chamber inside the dreadnought? Ritual chamber. I’m interested in what Jester said, do you want to go in the astral dreadnought? Why would we go inside the dreadnought? What did he say? DM, with the keen mind, was it that the jar was within here? I’m trying to remember. It seemed to be his experimentation with this magic jar, a part of his soul transference, that that particular part of his research ended him heading towards the ritual chamber within the dreadnought. Oh. Jester, you want to go inside? What, that room there? Well, maybe. I mean, maybe. Maybe going from inside the dreadnought would take us to the circle bound chamber? Or maybe we end up in his butthole. Within the Dreadnought. Yeah, we might be meeting Halas within here, although we might be meeting him in any of these chambers. But it seems like he has a bachelor pad inside this. I would go in the behemoth thing. I think it’s really cool. To come in here to begin with. Yeah, but– (talking at once) We could go in it! Okay, hands for going in the giant astral dreadnought. Caduceus has a good suggestion. I have a thought. Frumpkin is floating between my hands. Uh-huh. Frumpkin’s going in? We should open the mouth, though. Yes, while I send Frumpkin up and just float him right in front of– We will ourselves right near that fuckin’ door, though. All right, you guys all drift by the door. Will you hold onto me please? Yes. Hold him, Beau. Okay, so. You and your dumb cat. Blind and deaf and Frumpkin is just floating in the astral sea in front of this thing’s closed mouth. Okay. Do you guys remember which one is the lever to let go and which one opens the mouth? You’re blind to deaf. No, I’m not listening to anything, I’m just talking out loud. I don’t like being blind and deaf, so please do something soon. Fjord, pull the right lever. I will myself up to the right lever. (laughter) Chicka! (laughter) You pull the lever, and you hear (whirring), and you just beyond, out of the sight of the top of the island, something sparks, and the sparks send down to the two chains, and then arc over to the side of the creature’s mouth, shocking the sides of its body. Sides of its head, and you watch it pull and restrain against the chains, and as it does, the jaw (sighs) opens up, the teeth lining it, bit of spittle spattering out, and as it’s open, you just see the dark interior of its throat. The poor baby. Little tiny Frumpkin floating in space before it, looking back at and Caleb going, (mews). (laughter) Send that fuckin’ cosmonaut into that goddamn dreadnought. He just starts paddling through the astral plane inside. As Frumpkin heads into the gargantuan maw of this terrifying astral beast, you see the cat disappeared into the shadow, and then you lose contact with Frumpkin. (gasps) It is, it’s another doorway, holy shit. This thing has another plane inside of it. Well, if it does go to the circle chamber, that actually shaves off a lot of time, you know? But we don’t know where it goes. It’s not innards, it’s not the inside of a beast. Yeah, it’s another door. We don’t know, it’s too much. We’re level 10, it’s too much. Do you want to go in? No! Where would we go? Okay, okay, fine. Now I’m flipping, now I’m flipping. Counterclockwise, Caduceus, going in or leaving? I think going in. Laura, going in?
Going in! Sam, speak the truth. No! Liam, speak the truth! Caleb starts floating towards the mouth. (laughter) No, no, I’m holding onto him. That’s three and one, that’s three and one. I am holding onto him. Yeah, okay, let’s go. (laughter) What are we doing! (laughter) Nott the Brave. Live up to your name. And you all are doing this. Okay, so– (shouting) Nott, you watch as the entirety your friend party, one by one, drift into the open gaping toothy jaws of an astral dreadnought. We’re still holding hands. We’re holding hands.
Holding hands. Until they’re all disappeared into the shadow– Holding hands! You’re holding Nott’s hand? You’re going with them? The rule before we came in here was– Everybody holds hands! Everybody holds hands. So Nott, you’re being dragged into its mouth. Or you can stay out. (laughter) I’ve already died once, it’s okay, let’s go. (laughter) One by one, you feel yourself going into its warm, cavernous throat, the smell itself is strange, it’s peppery, but also metallic. It’s nondescript. Thank you. Just at that moment that you look behind and you can see the silhouetted shadow of the dozens of teeth and the jaw closes. No! You feel your body suddenly get drawn quickly down a space similar to stepping through these doorways before– To the taint! You stop. (babbling) Standing in a cavernous, dark chamber. You have no idea where the walls are, it is too open with what little bit of light you have. I look down, what’s on the floor? Stone, your gravity has taken you now. I’m taking my hands back, we’re standing, with fire. You light the space around you, you can see distant sconces of burning torches and candelabras set in the center. Markings? You don’t see markings. All you do see is a small arranged set of tables in the middle of this wide open cavern. And that’s where we’ll pick up next week. (shouting) We’re off the map! You guys are off the map now. (all shouting) Why did we do this! I’m sick, I’m sick, my arm hurts. This is all your doing. This might be a heart attack. (laughter) No, I’m into it, I’m really into it. The one thing you do note. Oh? There is no doorway behind you. Oh my god. What have we done! (laughter) You don’t, there’s not enough light to see the perimeters of this chamber. It’s just this open space with a little bit of firelight. It was an educated guess. But we’re going to pick up there next week, which will be our Halloween episode, how interesting. Yeah!
Oh! That’ll be fun. Matt, right now, Caleb turns and looks at the audience like that little girl in front of the burning house. (laughter) Oh my god. We’re off the map! Okay, we’ll see where this goes next week. Do you know where this goes?! Oh, I know. Well, I know elements. I know what’s in this chamber. I love how conflicted everyone is. Internally and externally. I know. Pink D&D, I love it. All right guys. I just wanted to look over the cliff. I didn’t think we were going to take our clothes off and jump. (laughter) Have you met us? I was genuinely a little surprised. I thought you guys were going to go the other way. Of course you should’ve gone the other way. But hey, here you are. We’ll see where it takes us. All right guys.
We never learn! (laughter) Why do we keep doing this! We will–
That will be our tombstone. “we have never learned.” I know. Thank you for joining us for tonight’s adventure. We’ll pick this up next week. We love you very much, and is it Thursday yet? Good night. Oh my god. (dramatic music)